Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Chat

Join the discussion and chat with other Mumsnetters about everyday life, relationships and parenting.

Flip

1 2

Original poster

Funeral and family holiday

48 replies

Cookiemonster14 · 02/08/2018 21:08

Genuine WWYD; I’m in two minds and hating myself for being selfish!
Basically, husbands nan (92) passed away this week, not a shock but not expected either. Issue is, the funeral will more than likely be arranged while we are on our family holiday, which we have been saving for for about 18 months and looking forward to for longer. My three year old can’t wait, it’s my 6 month old’s first holiday and we’re holidaying with two family members who are sort of relying on us (2 week camping trip, they’re quite inexperienced and a bit clueless!)
So, wwyd?
-Cancel the holiday? FIL has said we shouldn’t, nan herself would have hated this (she was an avid traveller and did all sorts in her youth 😝)

Take the children, leave my husband? Not ideal as I don’t want to drive abroad alone!
Not attend the funeral at all? BIL (and no doubt other relatives) will not be very forgiving, possibly cutting ties, which I’m sure my husband would want to avoid.

A few opinions would be appreciated. As I say, I’m aware this is incredibly self-centred in the wake of the death of a much loved family member, please don’t judge!

OP posts:

Honeyroar · 02/08/2018 21:41

It's your husband's decision, it was his nan- depends if he feels he needs to go or not. I'd go with what he feels.

danni0509 · 02/08/2018 21:50

You can definitely ask to have the funeral arranged to suit,

I know this as my gran died & from her death to the funeral it was 4 weeks as a family member had a 2 week holiday planned bang in the middle of it all,

The funeral director had no issue with this.

Iloveacurry · 02/08/2018 21:53

Sorry, but why can’t the funeral be arranged around your holiday, before or after?

If not, I would go on holiday.

Alwayscheerful · 02/08/2018 21:59

funerals here are taking up to a month at the moment, crematoriums in particular have very few slots. ask for the funeral to be held after your holiday,

alphajuliet123 · 02/08/2018 22:01

If the nan is your FIL's mother, and he is ok with you missing the funeral, then you should absolutely go on the holiday. If she's being cremated you could suggest a nice scattering of the ashes day for later in the summer. Alternatively have you looked into your husband being able to fly back for a day/night so he can attend?

I'd say go and enjoy, it's what she would have wanted.

Notonthestairs · 02/08/2018 23:04

Depending on where you are it can IME take weeks to get a slot for a funeral, less time for a cremation (here in any case)
. when do you go away? Can your DH fly back for 48 hours?

The one thing I would say is that a lot of work can go in to organising a funeral, does your FIL have support that will help him through?

PamsterWheel · 02/08/2018 23:06

Sorry I realise I've replied as though it is your nan but really the same applies to him. Ridiculous to cut ties for not attending, awful for your DH to be subjected to such appalling behaviour

keepondreaming · 02/08/2018 23:11

Tell who's arranging funeral when you'll be away - if it's in the next few weeks, I'll bet you're not the only one who has a planned holiday and there are other mourners who won't be able to make it.
If it happens to fall while you're away, so be it. Go on the holiday. That's definitely what your Dh's nan would have wanted. You can send flowers, messages, phone before and/or after. Do something yourselves to mark the day.
Your bil is an arse if he holds it against you.

dueanotherchange · 02/08/2018 23:18

Go on the holiday as a tribute to her.

FIL wants you too which is the most important consideration. Also, if you’re that close to her, why on earth would a funeral be planned when you can’t be there!?

Focalpoint · 02/08/2018 23:24

Irish so not familiar with the UK funeral culture and can't quite fathom anyone's funeral being rearranged to suit an adult grandchild's holiday. Funeral's timing here is only dictated by children who live abroad being able to return home etc.

BUT we have a saying in our family for these occasions which is that "Life is for the Living" meaning make reasonable arrangements to attend the funeral but not to the point of canceling holiday just to be there for "form's sake" and pay your respects in a different way.

martinidry · 02/08/2018 23:26

In my family it would be wrong to put a holiday ahead of paying respects to a much loved family member. I would not and could not do it. At the best I would take the children so that my husband could attend the funeral and I would expect the same help and consideration if the departed person was my own grandmother. I would think less of someone who didn't attend.

Go on holiday, take the children, encourage him to say goodbye, admire him and be proud of him and love him even more for respecting his grandmother and understanding his roots, his past and the people who made him.

onyourmarks2017 · 03/08/2018 05:27

Also, if you’re that close to her, why on earth would a funeral be planned when you can’t be there!?

In DH’s family, because it was a test!

Seriously, MIL decided that DH going overseas for three months was the perfect time to test his commitment when his grandmother died and tried to arrange the funeral for a week after he’d left so he would have to come back 🙄. As it was there was no (other, real) reason to delay so MIL didn’t get her manipulative wish.

People were talking at the funeral about how MIL had wanted to delay and a couple surmised that it may have been because she couldn't face up to the death. I wanted to yell out the real reason, that she was just messing with people.

For the record, DH wouldn’t have gone if MIL had had her way.

Zommum · 03/08/2018 05:48

Go on the holiday, a funeral is for the living to feel like they can say goodbye, your nan won't know or care that you missed it. Have a conversation one dinner about her and keep the memory alive!

Aragog · 03/08/2018 05:49

We had this one year about a decade or so ago. Dh's grandad's wife - who we were close to and was very much DD's great grandma - died and the funeral was whilst we were to be away abroad with friends. Dh's grandad and dh's parents were adamant we should still go and holiday, to the point that his grandad was distressed that we might cancel.

Our insurance wouldn't have paid out so we would have lost money - and potential so would have our friends so we'd have had to compensate them for their losses too. But we were prepared to do so.

However, we listened to the opinions of those closest to her and the situation.

So we went on holiday. We'd already said our goodbyes a day or two before she went. On the day of the funeral we took an hour or so out to reflect and remember, and later we drank a toast with our friends in her memory.

The funeral is mainly for the living in my mind. And the closest living members thoughts should be considered.

ExBbqQueen · 03/08/2018 05:51

Funeral. We had this recently. We postponed our holiday.

QOD · 03/08/2018 06:15

Either thry schedule for after holiday or you miss funeral

Deadheadstickeronacadillac · 03/08/2018 06:19

Go on holiday....my grandmother passed away and her funeral was planned to be in the middle of my holiday to Thailand. My dad (was his mum) happily gave his blessing for me to go away as in his words grandma would far rather I enjoy my life than mope about mourning.

snowsun · 03/08/2018 06:28

When it's the date and time of the funeral go to a local church or quiet beauty spot and spend the time reflecting and maybe reading a poem and lighting a candle. Your eldest could draw a picture of her whilst you chat about her life and travels.

Celebrating a life or saying good bye does not have to be done in a particular place in a particular way.

If family members are unhappy about this, they are just people who would find fault in everything.

BunnyBath · 03/08/2018 06:50

Ask for the funeral to take place when you get back, or else have your husband travel back for the day.

OliviaStabler · 03/08/2018 07:00

I'd let people know when you are away and then go on holiday. If they choose to arrange the funeral while you are away, then so be it. FIL says he is fine with it and I would take my lead from him.

Original poster

Cookiemonster14 · 03/08/2018 07:12

Thanks everyone for your honest opinions. I think, depending on when it will be (looking like being in the second week of our holiday) we will all travel and husband may fly home for a couple of days then rejoin us. FIL knows our dates so hopefully he will bear this in mind. I’m selfishly stressing about this, as I have no control over the situation! We’ve had a tricky year, with husband made redundant then starting a new job which has added pressure, lots of issues after having my son 6 months ago including surgery, hospital stays and physio, and husband breaking his collarbone and then not working (of doing very much!) for 6 weeks. Family time is needed! Thanks again.

OP posts:

PrimalLass · 03/08/2018 17:09

I would think less of someone who didn't attend.

But for what reason? The deceased won't care, and would tell them to go. Why cancel times of joy for a time of sadness?

YeTalkShiteHen · 03/08/2018 17:13

If it was me (that had died) I would much, much rather that people didn’t miss out on time together as a family for my funeral!

Flip

1 2

Swipe left for the next trending thread