WWYD In a bit of a quandary with SIL

[blahnikandlouboutins]

Long story short. SIL1, single mum to 4 children, housing association house on “drug estate”. SIL2, house in countryside area where many people go for holidays. Us (I’m married to DH the SIL’s brother) flat in London.

As SIL1 doesn’t get a decent holiday, SIL2 and I offered her our homes while we were away to give her boys a break. SIL2 has just been away, we are visiting my family in August.

SIL2 has just got back and her house is “wrecked” apparently. 😩 Beds wet and not changed, broken light fitting, cans everywhere, plates of half eaten meals around, rubbish in every room...

I don’t want her to stay in my flat now.

What would you do?

"No good deed goes unpunished"
It's such a depressing saying but it's true. I don't envy you OP

They’ve stayed with SIL before I think.

And how did she leave it then? I struggle to believe she’s has been absolutely fine in the past-nobody had any concerns about her in their house, yet she suddenly pulls this?

I’d ignore the text situation unless called on it and then I’d just be totally upfront with MIL saying she was trying to put you under duress in the midst of an issue between ‘blood family’ an issue that she knows full well could only backfire on you. She could see your frustration bubble over, but also that you’d been passing her messages on and that’s really all she can ask of you.

Make it crystal clear it’s not your problem, and stick to it.

Make it crystal clear it’s not your problem, and stick to it.

Absolutely. This is the only way through without being painted as the bad guy....

I think your MIL should have got the message with your return text

It's so frustrating that she thinks it's a 'woman's job' obviously to sort it out. Don't apologise for the text, see it as a ballsy move you wouldn't have deliberately done!

EnriqueTheRingBearingLizard

I don’t know why she expects me to pass messages on when DH has two phones, several email addresses and a landline!

She either expects the women to sort the crap out (not going to happen) or she thinks I’m going to nag DH into doing something (also not going to happen) and then of course she has someone who is not “blood” to blame when he doesn’t get back to her.

X post red!

Holidayshopping She’s stayed when SIL was there, not on her own. I suppose SIL cleared up after meals etc, don’t know.

With hindsight it’s silly that I didn’t think she would be messy when MIL has said she doesn’t look after her own place but it just didn’t occur to me.

I would get DH to cancel the visit. He’s their brother. Don’t get involved!

Oh no have read thread now

Anyway, latest is I’ve heard nothing more from MIL (not surprising) and DH hasn’t contacted her because he says we’re all adults and it’s nothing to do with her. Fair enough.

He has spoken to SIL2 who agrees with him re their mother keeping out of it and she thinks we’re doing the right thing not letting them stay here. She says a lot of the mess was “surface” but there was no need for it. She is furious about the two wet beds. Youngest children is 7, and she presumed they were moved from one bed to another when they wet. If indeed it was them. Who knows...

glasserator I do that all the time!

Strap your tin hat on and keep as far out of it as possible.

It's up to your DH to deal with his family.

Good luck!

Brazen it out. If MIL calls you on it, tell her you sent it to both her AND your DH so they both know exactly how you feel - that you are sick to the back teeth of being dragged into their family arguments. Follow it up with the words "DH is dealing with it, so speak to him".

And then remove yourself from the problem.
Not your circus, not your monkeys.

Best course of action I think. Your DH is right that it is none of MILs beeswax.

OP she probably does think the women should sort it. I don’t agree with her. My comment was purely in the context of her reading your text. You’ve told DH it’s not for you to sort, he hasn’t contacted his DM, but she knows you’ve nudged him and you’re out. She’s seen it for herself.

I also agree with pp and with you, who suss that she’ll want to scapegoat you rather than any of her own children, it’s so frustrating. Just keep rising above it.

EnriqueTheRingBearingLizard “nudged and out”, I like that!

Did they come to stay in the end @blahnikandlouboutins?

Yes, update please!

Oooh sorry all, been away.

Nope she didn’t stay, DH was adamant about that, as was I.

I confess to avoiding MIL since I sent the text. I’m a coward. There will be some family occasion sometime I expect so I can’t avoid her forever. DH had spoken to her and I think the holiday thing has blown over now, new drama has occurred with one of SIL1’s children (15 yo) not returning home one night (found next day at friend’s house) that involved police and everything apparently, so that’s taken over.

I feel sorry for SIL1 but she’s her own worst enemy.