Dd friend made her ashamed to live on a council estate

[eddiej]

So we live on a council estate in a ex council house we brought very cheap . That was really all we could afford at the time . Since living here ( 4 years) our circumstances have got better. We do like it here and have never had any trouble . As it is quite cheap to live here, this has meant we have afford some really nice holiday since things have improved.
We did think about moving but we have no reason to.
Our eldest attends the local comp which is in quite an affluent area.
She has befriended a girl who recently came round for dinner .
Dd said girl has made some rather unkind comments about our home and how small it is .
I did mentioned to dd that although her friend does live in a large house , she never has holidays ( this is the only thing I could think of to make her feel better . Sad I know ) .
Youngest dd is due to start the new primary attached to the high school come September but this has really made me paranoid.
She did get offered a place at the school near our estate but now I'm thinking we should of taken that instead .
I know not everyone is like this but all sorts are going through my head now . What happens if youngest dd makes a new friend and want to invite them for lunch and the new mums see where we live ?

Honestly, I think that other girl was very rude. People will not care that you live in a council house.

I think kids can lack a filter, and saying your house is small may have been just a fact to her. Your reaction to it tells your daughter all she needs to know.

I really wouldn't worry about what the other mums think, In my experience it's always the adults worrying about other adults. Kids tend to like each other and not give a shit.

Are you sure the girl understood what she was saying in terms of how it would sound to others? If she is sheltered and from an affluent family she might not realise, and would feel like she is stating facts. It could be useful to explain in a calm way why that didn't sound very polite. Is she reasonably nice otherwise? (I am assuming they are 12-14 rather than sixth formers)

I live in an ex council house too. I like it here, it’s quiet and nice and convenient. I don’t think most people will be bothered! :)

I grew up on a council estate. When Dd1 went to school,her best friend was from the posh estate. I dreaded her coming over for dinner.All she wanted to know was why dd didn't have a DADDY😂😂😂.
When I went to collect her from posh friends home I have never seen a SHITE TIP like it her parents didn't seem to bother their house was fuckin filthy.

I think she is quite sheltered . Her mum is actually lovely . She's an art tutor. They are very middle class. We are very working class.

I wouldn't worry about, if it's a good school with good prospects then stay there. Some kids will find fault in anything just like some adults.
I had friends who were much richer than me and friends who were much poorer. I would be a bit jealous of those that had all the things I wanted but they were never mean to me about what I didn't have/couldn't do - in the same way I would never dream of being mean to those who were less fortunate than me. It did not affect our friendship.
There were girls of course who were bitchy about "poorer" folk but they were bitchy about everything so we weren't friends with them...

Dd said when they went to her house and she couldn't pronounce the half of the food being served 🙈

As said, it's the parents who are more judgemental than the kids and normally the one who feels they don't stack up rather than the ones who have more,

My daughter was privately educated, at a school known for churning out the Surrey princesses, and we lived in a bog standard house for most of the time, and she had play dates at houses uou wouldn't believe. I found every single mum wanted to tell me about when they worked, what they did, as I work and have quite a significant career,

Everyone judged but not because I had a smaller house, they judged themselves negatively because I had a career and they didn't. I stood in front of many a mum thinking "well holy shit honey, I'm not judging you, I'd probably not work either ",

You'd be surprised what people think, and it's often negatively about themselves and not what you'd expect.

I need to try not to think about it too much . I do have friends who are well off but they are still familiar backgrounds to me so we relate.

“I did mentioned to dd that although her friend does live in a large house , she never has holidays ( this is the only thing I could think of to make her feel better . Sad I know ) .”

Rather than try and play catch up with the friend, I would remind your Dd of local (Estate) friends who don’t have a big house and don’t have any holidays, and ask her if she would say “you don’t go on nice holidays like I do” to her poorer friends. Then get her to reflect on her friends comments in tne light of that perspective.

Honestly don’t worry. We are the only ones of DD15s friendship group to live in a flat. I used to find it really embarrassing. Turns out all they care about is being fed and being able to close the door and play music relatively loud. Kids don’t give a toss about this stuff and if they do, they aren’t the right friends.

I think she is quite sheltered . Her mum is actually lovely . She's an art tutor. They are very middle class. We are very working class.

I'm imagining this mum as a lefty Guardian reader who would be horrified by the sort of thing her daughter has ended up saying by having no filter/being sheltered.

Your right scrub.
Bit of a shit comment to make to her really.
She's not materialistic so I hope she wouldn't put others down who can't afford holidays etc .

theres always some kids that will put down other kids. If shes like that, then if it wasnt the house/area , it would be something else

I once dated a very posh man. I remember being confused when he said his mom was making “sautéed potatoes” and I spent a while panicking until I realised they were posh chips.

I live in an ex council house. We have three massive gardens (front, side and back!) and loads of parking. It's ace.
Why on earth would we want to move a mile away to a perceived 'posher' area and live in a cramped terrace?!
We go on lots of nice holidays too. Couldn't care less what people think!

We're living in a council house.

Circumstances with my ex forced me to move from Our owned house.

Between us we earn a lot.

Before I met him I struggled in my own. He moved in with me.

Saving for a deposit now.

My mums is ex council. It's gorgeous.

Other members of my family have bought private. No where near as nice.

I'd rather have the holidays

As in my new partner not my ex. My new partner is my partner of four years

It's funny how we (me) judge our worth based on the size of our house relative to that of our friends. Ours is relatively small BUT we have lovely neighbours, a really good sized garden compared to the size of the house, plenty of parking which is unusual in the area and we can afford it. A bigger/ (better e.g. detached) house would cost loads more but actually wouldn't improve our lives a jot. This is a peculiarly middle class angst isn't it?

I like to explain to kids that being an adult involves making lots of choices about money.
Just because some people may have bigger houses or fancy cars it doesn't mean you know their financial circumstances, really it only reflects what they like to buy, not their bank balance!

Sounds like my dm.
Everytime I made a friend from the council side of town she would not very discreetly look down her nose on them and their family.
Made having friends so easy

Honestly these kind of people will be few and far between so don't let it bother you. Good luck

I've been in this position with my daughter. I lived in a council house and my ds went to a naice school just out of our area, and when my dd was organising a sleep over for her birthday one of the mums was horrified that her dd had been invited to an area that she considered "rough" and banned her! I am also a single parent, so scum in her eyes

Fast forward 20 years and the girl is now living in a caravan with two children, I've got no idea what the mother thinks. My daughter on the other hand owns her own business, a really nice house and husband. Although I really do feel sorry for the girl, her mother is a nightmare, I still feel karma has done its job!

I grew up on a council estate. In fact I’ve only just moved off mine. I miss it so much. I miss the people, I miss my house, I miss my local shop.
I’m council estate born and bred. I’ve had many people look down there noses with ignorance at that from friends at school to people at work now. That says more about them then it ever will me.
I’ve NEVER claimed benefits. I’ve worked since I left school. I now have my own successful company. My kids have thrived at school (and yes I’ll brag) are fabulous teenagers working and going to uni. I’ve seen poverty and I’ve seen people share what little they had. I’ve seen how the community pulls together in a crisis. My son was mugged (not on the estate) people came together and bought him a new phone. Someone dumped a load of rubbish on the park area, local people came with their own cars to shift it in hours. The people campaigned to get the local waste land turned into a nature walk which is now beautiful that the local community maintains.
You don’t get that on this upmarket new build estate I’m living on now.
I’m not poor because I was brought up on a council estate I’m rich.

cantgetadecentnewname
Totally agree with you.

I miss my old house too.