Dd friend made her ashamed to live on a council estate

[eddiej]

So we live on a council estate in a ex council house we brought very cheap . That was really all we could afford at the time . Since living here ( 4 years) our circumstances have got better. We do like it here and have never had any trouble . As it is quite cheap to live here, this has meant we have afford some really nice holiday since things have improved.
We did think about moving but we have no reason to.
Our eldest attends the local comp which is in quite an affluent area.
She has befriended a girl who recently came round for dinner .
Dd said girl has made some rather unkind comments about our home and how small it is .
I did mentioned to dd that although her friend does live in a large house , she never has holidays ( this is the only thing I could think of to make her feel better . Sad I know ) .
Youngest dd is due to start the new primary attached to the high school come September but this has really made me paranoid.
She did get offered a place at the school near our estate but now I'm thinking we should of taken that instead .
I know not everyone is like this but all sorts are going through my head now . What happens if youngest dd makes a new friend and want to invite them for lunch and the new mums see where we live ?

I personally wouldn't worry about it too much because kids always find something to complain about!

If you lived in a massive house, some kids would still be mean about it because that's how some children are. It's just immaturity.

You know your circumstances and it's nobody else's business really. All you can do is just tell your kids to ignore any comments like that because other kids are mean sometimes. Also remind your kids how lucky they are to have a roof over their heads and food on the table as well as nice holidays! You may not have a massive house but you sound like you live a comfortable and sustainable lifestyle which I think is most important.

We live in a big house in an affluent area. Some of the houses in my children's catchment are small council houses. I would be horrified if one of my children said something so rude and vulgar. Children sometimes don't have a filter and say what they see. Please don't overthink this.

Anecdotally I was the one that lived in the small house at school (and funnily went on amazing holidays). I became very driven with the goal of owning a nice big house.

mydogmymate as a child I was in this position, I remember feeling totally miffed as my area was not rough and I had no idea what 'council estate' meant. I must say it is something that stayed with me (rightly or wrongly) and although we only stayed there 2 years it always made me conscious growing up of my house in relation to others.

At uni I remember studying a sociology module and someone actually termed a 'council house effect' She had grown up on council estate, both parents working as were most of the other f amilies. She said it was a great place to grow up in and never felt inferior or any different. It was only after she became an academic lecturer in a RG uni that her colleagues congratulated her success after finding out where she grew up. She was amused by the reaction as to her she had a very normal upbringing and suddenly was being applauded for 'rising above deprivation'.

Sorry, bit of a tangent there My point is OP that anywhere you to there will always be people 'higher' than you financially or possession wise, so make it clear to your DD that this was a choice you've made in order to be able to have holidays etc. There may be sheltered people who make off the cuff remarks and there may be nasty people who intend to hurt, but you need to be comfortable in your own skin. This obviously applies to lots of areas; housing, holidays, how many ponies, designed clothes etc.

Hmmm. Well I grew up in council housing too, I can't say it was all that if I'm honest, because it really wasn't. So I think everyone's experience is different.

Looking down on people because of where they live or the size of their house says more about the person doing the looking down than the person being looked down on.

I don't get the focus on holidays, you mention it twice in your op. Who cares, it's not a competition. There are always people who will have more, those who have less. In my experience as said, it's adults who have more of an issue with this shit than kids. Kids like who they like. They don't care about other things. It's the adults who judge each other or fear being judged, just don't get yourself involved in that. Because anyone who looks down on you for something this ridiculous isn't worth bothering with. They have the problem, not you.

Lastnight. Your post really resonated with me. I went to uni when my ds were under 10, and one woman on my course bumped into my dd not long ago. After asking what she's up to now, she said "aww well done. That's really great considering where you came from and your upbringing". Cheeky fucker! My dd said she was so shocked that she couldn't speak ( just wait till I bump into her, I'll put her straight lol).

I still live on a council ( actually it's a housing association) estate and I hate it. I've been a tenant for 28 years, but I don't recognise the cosy community spirit that pp's have mentioned. If I could but I would in a heartbeat & I don't blame my adult ds for not wanting to go into social housing.

• if I could buy a house.

You own your house.
You aren't awake at night worrying about money.
You can afford nice holidays.
Sounds ok to me...

"aww well done. That's really great considering where you came from and your upbringing"

I had something similar. A relative, who was fairly affluent, asked me what I did when I was younger, early 20s, and when I explained she looked round and said to the table "it's amazing isn't it, sheer determination".

I felt like punching her face in. The clear insinuation was that because of our upbringing we'd amount to nothing. When actually I'm surprisingly successful,and it's her kids who achieved little.

Even thinking about it all these years later, still annoys me and I can feel myself gritting my teeth. Some folks just need to feel superior. Which is fine. But when you need to feel superior over kids who had it hard, you're one messed up person.

Kids just blurt stuff out sometimes, without thinking about how it will make someone feel. It does sound as though she might live in a middle class bubble but that's not her fault. Better for her to see how all people live.

My little sister once came with my mum to pick me up from a schoolfriend's house, where I'd gone to tea. She said "Why are you stairs so horrible?" In her defence she was only about six, but I nearly died of the shame.

I had this with my DS, we live near a council estate, bought this house in early 90's to be close to family.

DS about 10 at the time, bought his friend round who had just moved into a big new house, on the edge of a really dodgy estate. DS said, why don't we live in a new house, everything is old in our house (lots period features) and I did, for a little bit, feel like you did.

I've never been embarrassed about inviting posh mums round, everyone is welcome and, what they think about my house is their problem, not mine.

DS is lucky to have been bought up where he can walk to see his nan or cousins. As an adult, it makes perfect sense to him.

I grew up in a council estate, my mum still lives on a council estate. I've been round people who openly joke and ridicule housing estates not realising I am from one. Sadly I think some people just don't realise it's home to some. We don't come with a tattoo on our heads

The girl was just being snotty. If she had been my daughter I'd have spiflicated her for her rudeness but my offspring grew up strictly egalitarian.

It sounds to me as though you have a decent home and life. Good for you! Enjoy it and pay no attention to teenage snobs (she probably didn't mean it, was just trying it on).

I've never really understood the thing about council houses being undesirable by definition. The way I see it, my kids have grown up in a location where vehicle access is limited by design and their front door opens onto safe green space overlooked by multiple sets of parents. They can go out to play safely, form their own friendships with people that aren't chosen by their parents, ride bikes and scooters, play epic games of hide and seek in the bushes, soak up the fresh air and vitamin D and generally enjoy as close to a free-range childhood as is possible these car-filled days. My oldest is now mid-teens and showing no signs of becoming a dangerous thug.

But I will admit that my sister's experience on a new-build housing association estate elsewhere has been entirely different and she'd love to leave it. I'm not sure why it is so different, except that hers doesn't have communal green spaces, just roads. I do wonder if those spaces change things by affecting how many children are allowed to play outside and what kind of friendship bonds are formed.

Maybe I have just been lucky in the estates I have lived on. I bought my ex-council house because I saw those green spaces and it felt like home. Or maybe I am one of those people and the people who can afford to live on the new estate round the corner are secretly horrified at the thought of their kids coming round to play with mine. Which would be their loss, really, because you can have an amazing game of hide and seek in those bushes.

I'm in a group chat for my youngest dd school. There is a discussion about the uniform cost . It's quite expensive compared to other local school ( reception kids are required to have a blazer and logo jumper etc. )
It works out about £150 for day wear not including shoes . One mum commented ' it's not any more expensive than my daughter usual day wear' . She honestly couldn't understand how someone people could struggle to afford it.

This is part of the reason I'm having second thoughts . I know she maybe in the minority but I'm shocked at how sheltered some folk are.

I mention holidays a lot as they are important to us. We both work full time and we enjoy travel and the time it give us as a family .
I

Bluntless. I'm glad it's not just my dd that was at the receiving end of the judgemental comments. Ironically the bitch who said it couldn't cope with the uni course and quit after a year. I went on and did a masters & one of her sons was sent to prison for fraud.

The comment still stings though

Live the life and forget this little person who has A LOT to learn.

I was privately educated and lived in an absolutely miniscule two bed semi next to a very rough council estate. Working class parents.

Some of the houses my friends lived in were absolutely unbelievable.

They did sometimes take the piss, but I did it back. Didn't bother me in the slightest.

I agree with you focusing on the trips. It's a lifestyle. And you've got the best part of it I believe. Going to the same school as a sibling is fun, two school runs does not make for a happy mum. Prioritise your children and yourself. People who have little usually smear it all over the place, in this type of situation I usually grin and wait there is always somebody with "more" to put them back in line. I hear you though.

I had a "friend" who wanted me to sign a petition against new council house build ( I lived in a beautiful Georgian build at the time), well... I grew up in one at some point. It ended it all.

I think that you need to have a word with your dds frurnds mother. If it were one of my children I would definitely want to know so that I could give them earful.

The child was rude in my opinion.
I would be mortified if any of my kids commented on someone’s home .

I agree with racecardriver. Just in case she thinks it's ok and she does that to somebody else who could collapse.