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Original poster

He wants his house back! Wwyd?

34 replies

namechanger0987 · 16/07/2018 20:36

I have name changed for this as it could be outing.
Just wanting an outside view of things as I can't think straight!

Soooo..... little bit of relevant back info. My dad was diagnosed with ms a few years ago, he has deteriorated wuote a lot and he struggles physically and mentally to care for himself, his house etc. He has quite a large house with large garden and has been saying for a few years now that he would like to downsize but just can't be done with the hassle of selling and buying etc so he has stayed where he is. He has even said to us before why don't you buy me a bungalow and you live here.

Last year hubby and I decided to buy a doer upper property to renovate and sell so that we could raise some extra cash to put towards a deposit on a new house. This just so happened to be a little 2 bed bungalow close to my dads current house. As soon as dad saw it he asked us if he could buy it. We decided that we would sell our current property and buy his current house.
Our house sold very quickly so because my dad was buying the bungalow we decided we didn't want to miss out on sale so we would just to sell and move into the bungalow while we renovated it (full gut job) because as soon as it was done we had a buyer. 2 bed tiny bungalow with 3 kids, yes we are crazy! As is typical, sale went through really fast but plasterers, plumbers etc took their time and for various reasons everything was delayed. So we were living in a tiny bungalow with 3 kids, no carpet, no plaster on walls, no kitchen, no proper bathroom. (Apart from plastering and some small plumbing work) We did the full renovation ourselves, nearly killed us. Asked dad all the way through what kitchen he wanted, bath or shower etc etc. All of our things were packed up in the garage, It was hell as you can probably imagine!

Anyway 6 months later it's time to move, asked dad repeatedly 'are you sure?'

Should probably mention too that he wanted to do a straight swap but we insisted that it would be fair and he should buy our bungalow for its value and we would buy his house at value (his is worth more)
Also, his house is dropping to bits! Needs full renovation as it's been so neglected in recent years. Our bedroom has floor boards missing, and I can see outside UNDER the window!

When we moved we left him a brand new fridge freezer (we are using his 20yr old one), new bed, all brand new appliances and every carpet, wall, door, skirting board etc is brand new in the bungalow!

Now we are 6 weeks down the line and he isnt speaking to us! He's called us to my sister, family, anyone who will listen saying that he has done us a favour, we are taking the piss out of him, he is living in a building site???? It's boring in the bungalow, he can't go anywhere like he could in his house (bungalow is 10 min walk from house, closer to the local shop and closer to the same bus stop) And loads of other shit! I've been round and tried to speak to him and he said the same it's a building site, his house is in much better condition blah blah blah.

Anyway now he's saying he wants to move home, I'm absolutely devastated! He has left us in an absolute shit position and pretty much homeless with 3 kids!
We had a hue argument but he is adamant that he doesn't care where we go or about the kids he wants to move back to the house!
We have mortgage in place but we haven't exchanged any contracts etc so technically he still owns the house!

I just don't know what to do?! Everyone is saying don't move without a fight but in reality what can we do? I just want to hear outside opinions as I'm so emotional about this I can't even think straight! Both us and especially the kids have had a hell of a difficult year to do this for him and he's completely screwing us over!
He also tells everyone that he never sees us (or sis) and we do nothing for him, despite the fact that we take him shopping weekly, drs apps, out for tea, days out etc etc.

Am I being unreasonable? Is he? Any practical advice? Any opinions on what to do?

OP posts:

dinosaurkisses · 16/07/2018 20:40

Who actually owns the bungalow at this stage- did money change hands for it?

Original poster

namechanger0987 · 16/07/2018 20:43

We still own the bungalow and he owns the house but he is living in the bungalow and we are living in the house

OP posts:

ApolloandDaphne · 16/07/2018 20:45

I am a bit confused - is he buying the bungalow and you buying his house? It doesn't read that way.

dinosaurkisses · 16/07/2018 20:46

I’d rinse my hands of it at this stage.

He’s making it clear that even if he had a massive change of heart, he’d always view it as him having done you a massive favour and potentially hold it over your head.

It’s gutting, but your dad won’t be the only person looking for a house like yours!

SomeKnobend · 16/07/2018 20:50

It's still his house, you have to give it back. On what grounds could you possibly fight him for the right to stay in a house he owns and wants back? If you'd completed and exchanged it'd be a completely different matter, but as things are, you've got no right to be there.

GandalfsWrinklyHat · 16/07/2018 20:51

That’s pretty bad of your dad. Do you think your relationship has irretrievably broked down? What does your sibling think? If I were you I would probably swop back, sell the bungalow and buy elsewhere.

RagamuffinCat · 16/07/2018 20:51

Has he has already bought the bungalow from you? How will he finance two properties?

Summersnake · 16/07/2018 20:52

Swap back..sell the bungalow,buy something that suits you

theclockticksslowly · 16/07/2018 20:54

I’m not clear of the ins and outs financially but yes I agree with a PP to wash your hands of his house. You’d never be sure he wouldn’t turn again. Could you move into the bungalow, he move back into his house, you immediately put the bungalow up for sale and put the money from that and your original house towards getting a bigger property?

RagamuffinCat · 16/07/2018 20:55

Sorry, I didn't see your second post. In that case I would just swap back, sell the bungalow and find a more suitable property for your family.

SmileSweetly · 16/07/2018 20:57

What condition is the bungalow in? Why dies he say it's a building site?

I think you're going to have to swap back and sell the bungalow and buy yourselves a more suitable house.

I'm not sure I'd ever forgive him though, if I were you, you may be heartbroken especially for your poor kids.

SantaClauseMightWork · 16/07/2018 20:57

That sounds so tough. Is it possible that his mental health is going down really fast now? Aggression like this could be a sign of some underlying condition that is rearing its head.
I think you should give the houseback though it will be so hard.

SassitudeandSparkle · 16/07/2018 21:02

Regardless of the reasons for his change of mind, I think you have to go back to the bungalow. You can sell it and move somewhere else if it's not suitable for you, but you can't force your dad to sell you his house.

Moreisnnogedag · 16/07/2018 21:11

You unfortunately have no legal recourse. But is he perhaps developing dementia? Is he able to make decisions? Personally as horrible as it is, this may be an irretrievable breakdown in your relationship if not.

moreismore · 16/07/2018 21:11

I agree with PP, whatever the reason for the change of heart from your dad, you don’t own the house you are in and you effectively have an (irrational) ‘tenant’ in your newly renovated asset. Swap back ASAP, get your house on the market while it’s still the summer time and start looking for somewhere for your family to start fresh. You may find something even better-especially if it has floors and no holes round the window frame!
There isn’t another solution unfortunately. What a crap situation, I really feel for you.

UrsulaPandress · 16/07/2018 21:14

It's going to have a big effect on your relationship with your Dad.

Original poster

namechanger0987 · 16/07/2018 21:25

I know we don't have any really option about the house but moving back into the bungalow is not an option, there is no way I could put the kids through it again. Plus I think selling it would be much more difficult with all the beds etc we would need to fill it with.
I'm just absolutely devastated that he would do this to us! I don't think it's anything to do with his illness as he does have a nasty streak but just never with us.
I said he would be making kids homeless and breaking their hearts as they have their bedrooms done etc and he said he doesn't care!
He won't even fully commit to moving back home, I said in a strop when we were arguing to pack his stuff and he could move there and then but he said he's not doing anything until he speaks to his mortgage advisor/solicitor man at the end of the month.

He is also smoking in the bungalow and doesn't clean it so that's going to affect sale if he's there longer

He said it's a building site because we still need to hang a radiator in the bathroom (just waiting for plumber) and the garden still needs a bit of tidying (he originally said he wanted to do the garden himself to give him something to do but now he's moaning). We have done all the hard work of pulling out all the over grown weeds etc, it's just needs some tlc

I will never forgive him, I've already told him that he's on his own if he does this and we won't be coming round to cut grass and take him shopping and fix things in the house etc but he said he doesn't care as he never sees us and we don't do anything for him anyway! Can't win!

Also, can guarantee he will moan that we have 'trashed' his house if he moves back. He's a heavy smoker and the place was disgusting so we have already stripped and started to decorate some of the rooms and took carpet up but haven't replaced yet and thrown furniture out that he said he didn't want but probably will if he returns. There is no way I'm going to spend money to finish decorating if we aren't going to benefit!

I just guess I wanted other people to give opinions from an outside view. He's lived in the house for 25 years so I absolutely get that it's a huge change and it will take a while for him to get used to bungalow but when we have tried to get it put straight for him he just behaves like a spoilt brat so I just don't know what to do.
I asked him why he thinks we are taking the piss and he said 'he doesn't need to tell me'

Those who have said about him always telling people we are taking piss etc if we stay where we are. he's always called us rubbish daughters so that wouldn't bother me if we actually owned the house cos I'd just ignore him

I'm just so angry that he had every opportunity to change his mind and he has left it until we have given up everything and now he is going to leave us with nothing!

OP posts:

Marmelised · 16/07/2018 21:50

That sounds like the beginning of dementia to me (lived through it with my dad).

BackforGood · 16/07/2018 22:20

What is his relationship like with your sister?
What is yours like ?
Could she tall to him?

SmileSweetly · 16/07/2018 22:21

I think you need someone to mediate, a sibling or other family member perhaps, you aren't going to resolve anything talking (and falling out) with each other.

And a bit of time to cool off, it sounds like you've both lost your temper and said some terrible things.

(Quite rightly OP, he is completely fucking your over, I can see why you feel the way you do)

Catinthecorner · 16/07/2018 22:41

I think the property is a bit of a red herring. A bloody big one but your dad clearly needs a medical assessment and you need to start talking as a family about the long term plan for dad. If he has dementia he’s going to need care and you need to consider what that will look like.

FabulouslyGlamorousFerret · 17/07/2018 09:13

I agree with the pp, this sounds very much like the start of dementia. We had a similar situation with df, it's very, very stressful.

My advice would be to appeal to his better nature, if there is a time that that would be possible and get all the t's crosses and i's dotted.

Good luck

Original poster

namechanger0987 · 17/07/2018 19:16

He actually has a referral in for testing for memory testing but there is a 6 month waiting list minimum so it's a little way off yet.
Thanks everyone, I'm going to try and talk to him because regardless of us being in the house I really do think being in the bungalow is way better for him, especially long term. Ms is a really unpredictable disease and so hard to know what his future will look like

OP posts:

Fitzsimmons · 17/07/2018 19:21

Any chance you could rent somewhere whilst you sell the bungalow? That way it's more likely to sell quickly if it's empty.

I do wonder like other posters if he's getting dementia though. It's a horrible situation you are now in.

Fluffyears · 21/07/2018 11:42

My father had ms and it started to affect his reasoning he became very cruel, evil and his temper was mad. It was hard to live with as he was vilenostnof the time. He threw a cup of coffee at me because I made myself some toast and called me a selfish ungrateful cow, told me all his unhappiness stemmed from me, told me to move out!

I think his illness may be causing this and there will be no reasoning with him. Let him have his house and move bs k to the bungalow!but make clear that this is it and it’s final.

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