MIL is a Debbie Downer... affecting my children

[marylandmary]

MIL has always been a pessimist but I’ve just noticed how it’s beginning to affect the children in the family.

SIL’s children, who see a lot more of her, are taking on her traits. The oldest girl in particular.

For example we were talking about vacations and DN announced that the characters at Disney aren’t real and the rides are not worth the queues and that it was overpriced... This from a 10 year old! About DIsney! It’s MIL’s words exactly.

Up until now I’ve always ignored MIL’s negativity but her attitude has worn me down and I’m getting annoyed with her now and want to snap. I don’t want my children (4 and 2) to start saying negative things like SIL’s. I also don’t want them to see me snapping. SIL’s children also worry a lot about things and I think this is related.

(DH says MIL has always been like this. She’s not depressed or anything, it’s her nature to say negative, sometimes mean, things.)

I wouldn't say anything to your MIL about how she's affecting SIL's kids because they're not mine so I'd feel a bit intrusive. But if it's happening that much (is it really happening a lot, or is it just occasional?) and if your own kids start to parrot her, maybe try developing a strategy of cheerfully and positively opposing whatever downer rubbish your MIL comes up with? So on the Disney thing, "yes, it's an expensive day out, but It's worth every penny, because it's just brilliant! The queue just makes it more exciting!" That might not be the best example, but you see what I mean. Try to get your kids to make you their model, not their MIL, give your SIL's kids something else to parrot. Copying what adults say verbatim is normal for children, of course, and to some extent you can't control what they choose to repeat.

I do understand how annoying it must be to be around the negativity, but it might also be worth thinking honestly about whether the kids are really doing it that often, or whether you get irritated by her negativity so you're oversensitive to what is, in fact, a very small issue? You know, once you've started to notice something.. !

Thanks MrsSteptoe. MIL is known for it, so although I probably pick up on it every time, I think she does it way more than an average person. Indeed, it’s a joke with the BIL’s (who have some sort of scoring system, bingo, about it!)

Also, any tips on how to stop me having a go at MIL next time she starts will be welcome!

I find that the old chestnut of "If you can't say anything nice about X, I'd really prefer you didn't say anything about it at all" very useful if your MiL starts bringing everyone down or is negative about situations you're trying to chat about.
Alternatively, if she is really is negative about stuff, start leaving her house earlier and earlier as you don't want to be around such negativity.

WhatchaMaCalllit We are spending less time there these days just because life is busy but it bothers me that when the dc get older they’ll stay at MIL’s on their own, like SIL’s children, and I won’t be there to counter it every time.

It does make me less negative though. If I feel down I keep quiet lol!

My MIL is exactly the same. My FIL can be like it too - although they have different ways of expressing it. - FIL only has 2 modes: boasting or complaining.

• MIL just likes to make everything negative.

It drives me nuts.

DH used to be scarily similar in a lot of ways. His natural response to anything was always to say something negative.

(e.g:
Me: We should look at booking a holiday
DH: It’s too expensive

Me: We should look at signing up for a 5k race to get fit
DH: I’m rubbish at running

It makes absolutely no difference if there’s zero truth to it, it’s like a reflexive response.)

Thankfully after noticing it more and more I approached it with DH and he has actually worked hard at changing himself. His initial response however was defensiveness and passing his responses off as a joke. I think he genuinely couldn’t see what he was like.

It took me a few more years to really figure out why DH was the way he was - we only see the inlaws once a year each because we live in a different part of the U.K. - so I think I hadn’t equated it with the example he’d been set by his parents.

Now I notice it ALL.THE.TIME. If we suggest a new board game to play with MIL when she’s visiting she immediately comments that she’ll be rubbish at it because x,y or z. If e suggest going for a walk, her response would be that she’d better get her winter gear on because it’s always cold here. If I say that we’re going to go out for dinner she always responds with either a bad tale of a similar restaurant she went to, or a warning about their food/prices/service etc etc etc

It’s exhausting!

I have started being really obvious in my dismissal of anything negative MIL or FIL says - I respond with things like “well we like trying new things in this house”, or “it’s always good to give something a go”, or “if we get cold we can always come home and warm up again - nothing a cup of tea won’t fix” etc etc etc.

If they’re going to live their lives with that air of negativity over everything that’s their choice, but they sure as hell aren’t going to impact my DC in the process.

TamiTayorismyparentingguru FIL is the same!

DH had a lot of his negativity “kicked” out of him at uni. His friends were merciless with their impressions of him and he changed a lot.

Just talk to her. Maybe she doesn’t realise how she is impacting on others.

Get them away from it. My DM is like this and I am too now (although I am working on changing it) I can’t find the joy in anything, we were always taught not to feel excitement or happiness as something always goes wrong and you don’t want to be disappointed. I am always just waiting for the next bad news and feel guilty for being happy. It’s brilliant that you’ve recognised it. Good luck!

Iampicklerick Yes, DH said it was a habit with him when he was younger. He would slip into it now I bet if we were around MIL more.

I have decided we will start doing a “three good things about today” game over dinner. It will be good for all of us I think.

My DM is like this. I call her the Happiness Dementor.

I could have written your post, OP!

My MIL is exactly the same, everything is 'why bother doing that, it'll be rubbish/too expensive/you'll fail etc. She actually said to me once, when I was chatting about some possible future plan "Oh, it's ok for you to have dreams. There's no point for me, I'm just waiting to die really". She's only in her late fecking 60s and has no particular health issues!

I adopted the approach of being relentlessly optimistic when I'm round there. The rest of DH's family think I'm some kind of weird Pollyanna. My face actually hurts from all the smiling.

Yucka Pollyanna, the glad game! I used to play that with my dad.

Just shows you that our home life when young has such an influence.

That's a shame, hopefully she is only one of many people surrounding your children and extended family. They're not saturated with Eeyore personalities are they. Other people will be upbeat and more sanguine. Surely as the children get older, they will learn that is just Grandma's peculiar way and no-one else's.

My family, although small, are upbeat Donkeys. We have moved so are rather insular at the moment but are slowly getting to know people. Fun people hopefully!

Rather than the Fun Police 😁😂

marylandmary I am now picturing what “upbeat donkeys” look like 😂😂😂

😄😆😂

OK, I need some small upbeat donkeys in my life. Any ideas where to find them?!

👍

My Mother was like this, we made a joke of it with the children. They started saying when I had spoken to her on the phone. "Was that nutty Nana?" They accepted she was just like that did not mean she was right.

Mine are too young at the moment to make a joke of it I think. The 4 year old might blurt it out to her!

The other thing is when we go to restaurants or coffee shops, nothing is ever good or nice, there is always something wrong. It’s tiring and actually rude when someone else is paying or the staff are within earshot. The nicest thing I have ever heard her say about a meal out was that it was “quite nice... but...” 😕

It’s not fun. I want my children to have fun!

Aaargh, this is my mother! "We're going to Cornwall mum", "Oh I don't like Cornwall, It's so rugged and there aren't any trees". "We're thinking of going to Canada mum". "Canada eh? Alright I suppose, if you like trees - not much else there". "Saw a really good play at the theatre last night mum". "Posh people's telly. Still it's your money". It's exhausting, but these days we make a private joke of it. Now whenever we talk about choosing a holiday destination we ask "How does it rate on the tree scale?" Sadly it means that we don't tell her much about what I'm/we're up to in our lives, so now she thinks we never do anything.

MIL is a classic putdowner.

We moved to an apartment. She visited and announced “That’s what I’d hate... and listed half a dozen things that she’d hate about apartment living. She lives in an apartment!

I remember being so confused, wondering if I’d lost my mind about where she lived! Then someone said ages later that she just wants to put things down, doesn’t care whether it makes sense.

She rang earlier. Wanted to know what we were having for dinner. I told her turkey salad. She immediately said that DH doesn’t like turkey.

Not only does DH like turkey, he bought it and was cooking it!

As the dc get a little older, just talk about it and process it with them. Try and guess in advance what she might say, and why she might say it. Try and empathise out loud with the dc why she might be so negative.

My dc have had friends with an annoying trait, we try to discuss it with them and talk about how most people can have something about them that is irritating to others, but it doesnt make them bad and it doesnt mean you cant be their friend. You cant really talk about it with the friend, as it would hurt their feelings, but you can remember to discount it when you listen to them. Same with MILs!