Friends have booked a restaurant we can't afford

[Neonn]

We've been planning to go out with another couple for a joint birthday celebration for a while now. We had discussed a few places and they have just text to say "that's XYZ restaurant booked for Saturday at 6.30."

This would normally be fine.

However, we just cannot afford it. It's not extortionate but it's slightly more expensive than the places we had been discussing.

I don't know what to do? Do we just go and order the cheapest thing/ don't drink?

I really don't want to tell them the real reason as I know they'll just offer to pay for the whole thing and that would make me uncomfortable.

I would say. Especially as they’ve booked somewhere you haven’t discussed.

Be honest, it's nothing to be ashamed of. Silly advice to make cutbacks this week etc. They can either book somewhere cheaper or offer to pay fully/you just pay for what you have. If they are friends this should be a non issue

I'd throw a sicky on the night. But then I have terrible anxiety issues and this would be the best way out for me

And if they choose to treat you that’s their choice. If you really don’t want that then say it makes you feel a bit uncomfortable and suggest another restaurant.

Meals out are expensive anyway even cheap places so the gap can’t be that big
Huh? When i go out for a meal it normally costs about £12 for a main and a soft drink. If i go to a posher restaurant for a friends birthday it normally ends up around £40/£45. That's a big difference when you are on a budget!

"Meals out are expensive anyway even cheap places so the gap can’t be that big"

At a top restaurant, with wine, you could easily pay £120-150 a head (and some)

At my local falafel place, you can get a big plate for £6!

Quite a big difference I would say!

Of course there is a big difference, even not at the high end of the scale we have a lovely restaurant near my work that prob ends up being £40 a head , place across the road where I rarely spend over £15 - if you going out in a couple that is £50 difference.

I would be truthful OP, I've had one too many meals out which I haven't enjoyed it just because of fretting about the cost at the end.

the Op has said it is "slightly more expensive" so probably not the difference between £6 and £120.

If you didn't discuss going this Saturday just text back and say oh so sorry we actually have plans, can you do next week? That'll give you a week to save something for dinner, or offer to book something and go with a cheaper option, or invite them round for a home cooked meal if you can;t afford to go out.

If finances are that tight I would just be skipping a meal out altogether

But the OP already knew it was a birthday meal out so presumably not expecting a £8 meal! She said herself ‘slightly more expensive’ so don’t be exaggerating with your £8/£120 comparison. Talk about drama!

You don't need to actually say you can't afford it OP. Just say you were wanting to go somewhere a bit cheaper.

This is a really tricky one. We have close family that can be particularly oblivious about cost and also drink a lot.

One meal ended up being twice what the fixed menu was originally discussed per person. And I don’t drink

Just be honest and say "That's a bit out of our price range, could we go to Nice-but-cheaper?"

“I don't know what to do?”

Just tell them

“No way would I tell them I couldn’t afford it after they’d already booked.”

Why not? It clearly wasn’t discussed beforehand. I really don’t get the angst that some people have about not being able to admit that they can’t afford something. It isn’t shameful. I’m not prepared to live on bread and water all week to soothe the ego of my richer friends.

“Agh I know I should just be honest. It's just embarrassing”

No it isn’t. It really isn’t. Just put your big girl pants on and tell them. Get a takeaway and a bottle of wine instead if you want to see them. I agree with ReservoirDogs. I would also feel terrible if any of my friends felt guilt tripped into doing something they can’t afford.

I also don’t understand why people agree to split bills when it is clear that one person is spending far more or far less than everyone else.

Stop being so passive people and grow a pair and stick up for yourselves.

"Sorry but to be honest, that place is more than we like to spend when eating out."

I would have no hesitation in stating the above which would be true.

This has happened to us a few times - both ways - consider ourselves "foodies" etc etc.

I would just say immediately - this is more than we were planning to spend, could we do this another time?

There is nothing worse than sitting there ordering the cheapest thing on the menu and tap water (been there)

Also nothing worse than looking forward to a night of treating ourselves and finding that other people are not in the same space (of course for valid reasons) (been there as well).

Just be honest and be prompt about being honest this is honestly no big deal but just TELL THEM sooner rather than later so plans can be re-jigged and expectations can be managed.

OK - They are friends enough for you to want to share your birthday celebration, so you don't need to be embarassed - however don't cause them extra work. Call up the restaurant you'd rather go to now and book a table. Then text back "Sorry, things are a little tight and we can't really afford X this month. I've got a table held at Y, which is a bit more in our price range, is that ok? I'm happy to save you a job and call X to cancel."

If they are your friends, they should be fine with that, no effort for them, they still get to go out with you. If it is a problem, then really I'd suggest going alone with your DH.

(This is assuming that both X and Y restaurants are equally easy to get to!)

Just be honest and say it’s a bit pricey for you. I’m sure they wouldn’t want you to be uncomfortable with a place out of your budget.

Just make it a rule. Whenever I go out with either my best friends or the school mums, we have a rule that we each pay for what we’ve ordered and if we share a starter, we split it between whoever shared it. I know it’s a bit of a pain working out who owes what when the bill comes, but we never have any issues with money. We also have a rule that we never go to expensive places. We always keep it mid-range so it’s fair for everyone.

You just have to be honest and communicate. If you don’t tell them they won’t realise they’re doing anything wrong

It's not embarrassing to admit you can't afford it. If I were your friend, I would not think less of you and I'd be the embarrassed one for being thoughtless in booking it.

Surely if they are friends they will be fine with you explaining you can't afford that expense right now and will book somewhere else. If they offer to treat you then they are super lovely friends! You can always offer to pay for the wine or something.

yipes, it's not me is it?

Only we are going out tonight to celebrate 3 people's birthdays & I think there's been quite a lot of consultation about the venue ...

but I'd be mortified if i thought one party couldn't afford it & would be v happy to rearrange.

I had this recently, I went to a restaurant I was assured had a set menu that was cheaper. It didn't* and I forked out a ludicrous amount of money.

What's more, I spent the whole meal worrying how I'd pay for it and got acid indigestion worrying about it.... which made the whole meal fairly pointless.

*I don't have a smartphone, so couldn't check in advance.

DH and I had to refuse an invitation to a good friend's birthday recently for the same reason. They chose THE most expensive restaurant in town and asked us and their SIL

We had to say no thank you...we can't afford that place.

They went anyway. We still feel bad about it!

Georgie - I don't know whether to say bless your ignorance or wonder if you live such a privileged life that you can't conceive a menu being more than a little out of someone's budget?

I went to a nice Lebanese place with friends last weekend - £20 per head. A month before, to an (overpriced and poorly done) steakhouse for £30ph. Then a really nice steakhouse for £65ph. All of them three course dinners with drinks.

OP - just be honest with them, and tbh, also suck up the idea of embarrassment at them paying for you. A real friend who offers to pay without being patronising or expecting a lavish return is worth enduring the shame, IMO.

tell the truth

the only thing that would be awkward is if the name came up in chat before and you didn't reject it...hopefully it's not that....?

You know they'll drink loads and want to split the bill.