DD so upset about help from school

[eleventwinkles]

My DD who is 9 is really upset about her teacher giving her worksheets that are slightly different (easier) to the rest of the class. She's come out of school in tears saying it's unfair that she is given different work. She thinks the teacher is not letting her try.

The back story is that she is on the SEN register and as far as I can tell has issues with processing and listening.
She is in the first year of secondary school so I think she is becoming aware of her peers seeing her as 'different'.

I have spoken with the teacher about this and she is also aware that this is an issue for my DD. She has explained that there are times when the different worksheets really are necessary and has herself talked to my DD about this.

I have done my best at talking this through with her as sensitively as I can but she is very emotionally mature and thinks that she is being patronised. My DD is very over emotional so this to her is horrendous.

I'm not sure how to deal with this anymore.

Any ideas would be greatly appreciated so thanks.

I think I’d have a very practical and straightforward conversation about this.

The sheets are not a criticism of her. They are a reflection of her current ability.

If she can complete them easily then the teacher will move her up as she progresses.

Why would the teacher want to patronise her? The teacher wants to help her succeed and progress.

She’s decidedly not emotionally mature if she doesn’t get this.

She needs to develop a little more self awareness.

Oh OP that sounds tough, it’s hard when they begin to realise isn’t it?

It sounds like the teacher is trying her best to do the right thing by your DD but I can understand why she’s upset about having different work too.

Can you explain that nobody else needs to know she has different worksheets (is that an option?) and that the teacher is trying to help her to do what she does best, and that what other people do doesn’t matter?

She needs to develop a little more self awareness

Well that’s ironic.

That's just it though - a practical and straightforward talk results in further upset as she knows that in short I'm telling her she's not able to learn at the pace of the rest of the class.
It's true she can't but a lot of this is down to her self esteem surrounding school. By pointing this out to her she just takes another hit.
I have also explained that the teacher is very kind and helpful in doing this but she thinks she's being babyish towards her.
Perhaps the suggestion of asking the teacher to be more subtle in doing it will help although I don't think it will get around the issue of my DD perceiving it to be unfair.

Oh Scholl implemented three levels of work under different names such as snap, crackle and pop sort of things, children don't know which is which but are always encouraged to challenge themselves, if they complete one easily they are given then next level up to complete additionally.

It works well, my son as SEN too but working fairly on par for maths, his literacy is significantly behind.

I would have a word why school, but also encourage your daughter to prove her ability by just completing the work, if your daughter is still struggling with that level it seems silly to move her io until she is ready as it's better that she has success at the right level. However if the work is too easy then you or better yet HER need to ask for something more challenging.

I think it's a great time to discuss your daughters strengths and explain that everyone is different, some better at somethings but no so good at the next. That she needs to practice to improve but even though she isn't doing so well as some of the others in the class at one task, doesn't mean she is put good or better at other tasks.

What things does she excel at? Does she do any after school activities?

Are there places (organisations/charities/agencies) which specifically deal with her SEN that you could approach for ideas to help boost her self esteem while explaining?

They do a similar approach to the snap,crackle and pop but with chillis - mild, hot and very hot at the school so I'll see if an explanation about this may help her to come round.
I think I'll also try the senco leader next if things don't calm for her.
Ultimately this is going to be a lesson about acceptance for her. I've told her to persevere with the current method a bit longer and ultimately told her that she needs to respect the teachers decision above all else. I've also pointed out to her how fortunate she is to have a school that is focusing on her in this way.
I suppose I'm always the venting target at the end of the school day so I'll see how she settles this evening but it's a reoccurring upset that doesn't seem to be going anywhere. It's just not pleasant to see her in such a state over it every time.
Thanks for everyone's input.

isnt there a specific 'additional needs' group? My own DD was in one when she went to secondary school.

Surely your daughter is not the only one who needs an easier worksheet?

Think its a bit much to say she needs more self awareness. At 9?? Poor kid. It is very difficult for her. My ds went through this and begged me to get the teacher to put him on the same work saying l promise l will do my best to do it. As if he wasn't more than trying his best anyway. Its heartbreaking as they take such a knock being different. My ds was dyslexic and , to be honest, it was a few years after that before he accepted his difference. Be empathic with her about the pain of it and maybe see if she could do that work with a SNT instead of with her whole class.

They may be testing her aptitude, when GCSE's come along, if kids need concessions, it helps to have a lot of evidence.

If they are tracking her processing speed etc. now, it could determine which papers she'll sit when it matters about being able to answer the question in a certain amount of time. Sometimes, simplified papers are needed, sometimes extra time, it all depends on the individual student's needs.

Must say that school seem to be on the ball.

she is on the SEN register and as far as I can tell has issues with processing and listening
I'd find out more if I were you, she may need further assessments, diagnoses etc. for help in the future.

Can you confirm age and school level? Age 9 is not the first year of secondary?

Could the teacher give her both and she chooses?

Is this Middle school in a 3 school system?

Could you try a reflective listening technique? It could just be that she needs to express her frustrations and she already knows it's the right thing for her.

This winds me up too. My year 7 dd has poor working memory and some processing problems. Health professionals have indicated mild dyslexia and / or Irlenes syndrome, but no formal assessment or diagnosis.

On one hand they are given no extra help. On the other they're suddenly given a reader in Sats and given papers like you say of less ability in class (my dd was outraged and swapped papers when the teacher went out of classroom for a minute!)

All children want to be seen as the same and some are very sensitive to differences i.e. being called into a different group aside from the year group going into exam hall. It's easier said than done raising self esteem when the child feels 'different to the rest' or believes that the teacher believes they're 'stupid' as I was shocked to hear by dd this week.
Only have empathy op and to say that outside school activities has really helped dd in self esteem, but watching with interest. Good luck

The point about difference is some kids' brains really are wired differently.

A lot of kids can accept the computer analogy.
All computers can do the same thing, most of them use Windows but some others use the Mac system.
Both types of computers are as good as each other, they just use a different processor to come to the same answers.

Windows aren't right and Macs aren't wrong, they both use a different way of doing things but they are all computers.

About 1 in 100 kids are autistic, their brains are wired differently but they are not wrong when compared to NT kids, they just use different ways of doing things to get the same answers.

A diagnosis can really help kids to see there's a reason why they are different to their friends. Their difference suddenly has a name and there are (tens of?) thousands of other kids their age who do things just like they do.

If they don't have a diagnosis, they can often think there's something wrong with them because they do things differently like having slow processing speed or not getting jokes or not understanding nuances in communication.

Self-esteem is hard enough to boost without a child mistakenly thinking different equals stupid, which sadly many do.

You may get better responses on the SN boards, chat or children are pretty well busy.

It is a middle school she's just started.
I'm frustrated myself as I've discovered that the support in middle school isn't as prevalent as first school. She had a support assistant and worked in a small group of 4 and had focus sessions. This approach doesn't seem to apply at middle school.
There isn't the resource or the budget at this scale and I believe there are pupils with a greater priority. I gather this is why the teacher gives out the different worksheets as she doesn't have the time to assist in depth on certain tasks.
With reference to her SEN - we have never been given a formal diagnosis. She took a 10 minute computer test for dyslexia and the results came back as showing she did not have dyslexia. (Her younger sister is going through the same process.) There was talk of getting an educational psychologist but budgets dictated otherwise. I got the impression they were just leaving it for middle school to resolve but it's apparent they will not assess her either. The frustration I now have is that she will not tolerate any form of assessment if it singles her out. I am obviously aware of the benefits of knowing what difficulties she has exactly however, I believe that this will just upset her more (at this age at the least) if I explain to her that she is different because x,y,z. The feedback I hear repeatedly is she is unable to focus. Always looking around the classroom when the teacher is talking and zones out quickly. She struggles to copy work from the whiteboard and needs a smaller one that's right in front of her. She is a whizz on her laptop but not on educational programmes! (She may be but will not entertain the thought! I think because she hates school so much.)
I've not heard of the self reflective listening technique but it sounds helpful - I will look into it.

I will definitely use the computer analogy as she will really understand this.

Get the teacher to send the harder sheet home with the timeframe of how long she would have had to do it and let her try. It may be tough there may be meltdowns as she realises she cant do it. Or she may keep trying until she can. Perseverance is a fantastic quality.

At the school i volunteer at pretty much all the work is differentiated. Also small groups or individual children leave the room throughout the day to do intervention or booster groups.
I assumed this is how all primaries work?

I'm surprised this is the first time she has met differentiated work.
You were incredibly lucky at primary school with a small group of 4 with a support assistant. Middle and secondary schools don't have that support as a matter of course.

If the school is bigger she may find she is in bigger groups with a wider ability range. Teachers have to differentiate work to meet the needs of all learners. It wouldn't be fair to let her flounder attempting the same tasks as high flyers.

Explain that the teacher is doing it to help her.

I also think you need to speak to the SENCO and push for an Ed psych referral ASAP. Keep pushing and keep ringing. If you can afford, go private to kick off the process.

It sounds very odd if that is the only differentiation happening in a whole class, it’s hard to believe the other 29 children are at exactly the same level.
As an educator in higher ed. I can confirm that diagnosis with a specific learning requirement is often very empowering. A 31 year old finally receiving a diagnosis of dyslexia and dyspraxia told me that he had always believed he was ‘just thick’. He certainly wasn’t (not that we would use that term btw) which is why we had referred him with a view to assessment.
It’s probably important though that your DD is at a point where assessment will be helpful for her, and emotionally it may not be yet. Is there anything she is good at that she enjoys doing that can become her ‘thing’ to boost her self-esteem and find some out of school friends? Or can she try some different activities to find something she likes?

Have you had her eyes tested?

Yes she's had her eyes tested and had a hearing test.

Can you ask the teacher to give her the easier and the harder. Start on the easier and if she feels up to it she tries the harder.