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Original poster

Partner refuses to move for childcare - Am I being selfish?

34 replies

hopeful29 · 12/04/2018 09:12

Hi there,

I'm brand new to this site so apologies if there is already a thread, I've tried but can't find anything!

Basically, I've come here as I foresee problems in my relationship and i need advice / opinions from all you lovely people.

The problem: My partner has 2 young children, I moved to be with him. we would like to start a family soon too. we both work full-time and need both salaries, especially if there is an extra mouth to feed and mortgage to pay for!
I would love to be closer to my mum (it's about a 40 min drive away) as she would help with childcare full-time. 40 mins wouldn't be that bad but I have to leave a silly o'clock in the morning and sometimes don't get home till 7pm, it seems unfair to constantly drag a baby from its home every morning and evening.
We have my partners children once every other weekend, they stay with his mum and dad the Friday night and with us on the Saturday.

my argument: yes it wouldn't be as convenient for him as he'd have to travel 40mins every other weekend to collect them but for that sacrifice we would have full-time child care and support, plus nanny fees are astronomical so we'd be able to save or take all the children on holidays etc.

He refuses to move, saying that he wants to be near his children incase they need him.

unfortunately, the only area in between that I would consider is way out of our price range and I can't expect my mum to travel 40 mins everyday at the crack of dawn and return home again in the evening.

Am I being selfish?

OP posts:
crisscrosscranky · 13/04/2018 07:47

Yes, he sounds like a wonderful parent who doesn't want to move away from his children.

Iamnotacerealkiller · 13/04/2018 07:52

Get your mum to move. Simple Smile

DonkeyPunch88 · 13/04/2018 07:56

His children should come first. They already exist, the baby you are planning for doesn't yet, so the living children should get priority. Perhaps if you can't sort childcare you shouldn't consider a child just yet?

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pigshavecurlytails · 13/04/2018 07:57

He sounds like a good parent who is putting the needs of his existing kids first. You need to work out if you can balance that with the needs of your theoretical future kids, and if not whether you are happy to be with someone who has children already.

MsGameandWatching · 13/04/2018 07:58

No I don't actually think you are being selfish. Forty minutes is nothing. I drive that a couple of times every week to get my child to a regular activity.

LIZS · 13/04/2018 08:03

Consider alternative childcare, maybe dm could do fewer days and you use cm or nursery pt. Look at areas in between again. Until you are pg you don't need to make any decisions, circumstances could change and his dc will be older. However if his ties to the area are more than that this could be a stumbling block in the relationship, child or no child, and you need to think about what happens if so.

Donotdisturbme · 13/04/2018 08:04

Can you meet your mum halfway? That’s what I did when my children were young and my mum was 40 mins drive away.

MiniAlphaBravo · 13/04/2018 08:07

I think it’s unrealistic and unfair for your mum to do full time childcare when you don’t get in til 7pm.

So maybe look at nurseries nearby you and then your mum could potentially do one or two days a week meaning your commute to her is less. There are ways round this. He barely sees his kids as it is by the sounds of things so seems silly to move further away just to get free childcare for a potential child. You also might be able to condense your hours, depending on the industry you’re in.

Ragwort · 13/04/2018 08:10

Wow, you sound very entitled - and does your mother really want to provide full time childcare? Hmm

Surely your loyalties should lie with the children that already exist.

VikingVolva · 13/04/2018 08:12

I think it is a good thing that he wants to stay close to his existing children.

If using your parents for childcare is unworkable from where the family is based, then you will have to find paid childcare.

ijustwannadance · 13/04/2018 08:14

40 mins is nothing if he only sees his kids once a fortnight. He just doesn't want to move.

Bumpitybumper · 13/04/2018 08:20

This is the difficulty with getting together with someone that has children already. They already have commitment and responsibility to their kids and they are going to be very reluctant to do anything that they believe will detriment their children. You and any baby you have with him will be his :second' family that will always have to share his time, energy and resources with the children from his 'first' family.

I think looking at your 'second' family situation in isolation, what you propose is sensible and arguably even necessary. The problem emerges when you factor in the 'first' family and how moving away makes things harder for them, and then suddenly you are in a horrible grey area where many would argue that the existing children should take precedence.

I can guarantee this won't be the only struggle you will face and I think you need to think long and hard about what making a 'second' family with this man would potentially mean for you. You could find yourself with limited influence over major decisions even when you have your baby as your DP will constantly be factoring in the needs of his other kids. This could impact issues such as where you live, how you spend your money and how your DP spends his annual leave.

museumum · 13/04/2018 08:22

I think you’d regret having your mum doing ft childcare. I’d go for her doing maybe two days and find a local cm or Nursery the other three. It’s a great way for them to meet other local children before school.

Brokenbiscuit · 13/04/2018 08:22

The thing is, even if your mum is willing to do childcare now, that could change in a couple of years. Her health may not be up to it, or she might find that it's not as enjoyable as she might have hoped. You cannot possibly know how things might work out.

My concern would be that, if you move closer to your mum specifically so that she can do your childcare, it will put her under a lot of pressure to keep doing it, even if she finds that she no longer wants to.

Your DH is not being unreasonable in wanting to stay close to his kids. Is there a reason why he sees so little of them at present.

BikeRunSki · 13/04/2018 08:31

Firstly - kudos to your partner for wanting to stay close to his older children. I am from my fathers second family. He moved away from his older children, which didn’t make life easy for anyone.

Secondly, forty mins is not a massive drive, and meeting half way sounds a happy medium. Also, babies tend to be very familiar with “silly o’clock” in the morning!

Is your mum genuinely planning to look after your future child from silly o’clock until 7pm? Every working day? I wouldn’t make any decisions based on this just yet, until you’ve had a baby and she has tried it. IME every enthusiastic granny who has offered childcare has realised that it is exhausting and cut it down quite early on - particularly once another grandchild comes along.

I’m not implying that your mum is flaky and unreliable, but that full time childcare is a huge commitment!

Total reliance on grandparents is risky both the continuity of care, and your relationship with them. What will you do when your mum goes on holiday, or is ill, or wants to join a walking/bridge/line dancing club ? It does seem to be far better to pay for all or some professional child care, and keep grandparents “fresh” for babysitters, emergencies and weekends.

Good luck with having a baby, and all that comes next.

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 13/04/2018 11:35

I think you are expecting a LOT from your Mum - silly o'clock until 7pm every day!? That is a huge commitment. You may need to rethink your working hours, you will hardly see your baby!

I don't think you're being selfish but you are being a bit unreasonable. You moved to be with your partner, knowing that he had children. I'm assuming they live locally?

It's good that he wants to stay near them.

twohandstwokids · 14/04/2018 10:26

So you are arguing that your partners kids should be further away from their parent, so you can be closer to yours? Irony?? I think you were aware of his kids when you got into this relationship so it's unreasonable to do this now.

NameChange30 · 14/04/2018 10:30

Why do his children spend one night with their grandparents and one night with their father? Why not both nights with him if it’s only EOW? Why doesn’t he see them any more than that?

Arapaima · 14/04/2018 10:35

I think YANBU. It would be different if you were asking him to move miles away from his children, but 40 mins EOW is nothing, whereas to do it every day is a PITA.

Also, to the posters saying it's great that he's putting his DC first, did you miss the bit where he has them to stay for ONE night out of 14? I wouldn't call that being a super involved dad!

(As an aside OP, are you happy that he doesn't really seem to be putting either his own DC or your wishes first? He sounds rather selfish to me.)

Starlight2345 · 14/04/2018 10:37

There is a lot here .
I would not want to not see my baby all week if your both working those long hours.
I can’t understand why dad only has kids one night a fortnight but is proclaimed a great dad.
I would think long and hard before having a baby with this man in these circumstances.

I also think you are asking too much if your mum.

MollyDaydream · 14/04/2018 10:40

He's not dad of the year - he only sees his kids 50 odd nights a year!

It's a case of him not wanting to drive 40 minutes one day a week, but happy for you to do it 5 days a week with a baby.
It's got nothing to do with the older children, he's just lazy/selfish.

MollyDaydream · 14/04/2018 10:42

Sorry, not even 50 nights Shock 26! I think I see my neighbours children more than he sees his.

flowery · 14/04/2018 10:45

Moving house on the basis that your mum will provide full time childcare is a big mistake regardless of your partner’s children.

TeachesOfPeaches · 14/04/2018 10:47

I think you're in for a big shock when you have your own children. Your mum having your baby full time is not a sustainable plan.

Sevendown · 14/04/2018 10:48

40 ims is nothing for one night in 14!

You move and if he moves in with you you’ll know if he loves you or is just stringing you along as a fuck buddy.

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