Partner refuses to move for childcare - Am I being selfish?

[hopeful29]

Hi there,

I'm brand new to this site so apologies if there is already a thread, I've tried but can't find anything!

Basically, I've come here as I foresee problems in my relationship and i need advice / opinions from all you lovely people.

The problem: My partner has 2 young children, I moved to be with him. we would like to start a family soon too. we both work full-time and need both salaries, especially if there is an extra mouth to feed and mortgage to pay for!
I would love to be closer to my mum (it's about a 40 min drive away) as she would help with childcare full-time. 40 mins wouldn't be that bad but I have to leave a silly o'clock in the morning and sometimes don't get home till 7pm, it seems unfair to constantly drag a baby from its home every morning and evening.
We have my partners children once every other weekend, they stay with his mum and dad the Friday night and with us on the Saturday.

my argument: yes it wouldn't be as convenient for him as he'd have to travel 40mins every other weekend to collect them but for that sacrifice we would have full-time child care and support, plus nanny fees are astronomical so we'd be able to save or take all the children on holidays etc.

He refuses to move, saying that he wants to be near his children incase they need him.

unfortunately, the only area in between that I would consider is way out of our price range and I can't expect my mum to travel 40 mins everyday at the crack of dawn and return home again in the evening.

Am I being selfish?

I don't think yabu to want to explore this option. I would probably feel the same. Agree with other posters re you mother doing ft childcare. If she is up for it then fab- but would she consider travelling to you, staying 2- 3 nights, doing 3 days childcare, then use nursery etc for other days??

You could put imaginary baby in morning nursery and mum does afternoons? Full time childcare like 12hours a day is a lot to ask of your mum anyways.

I don’t understand why you are considering a baby with him though.

He has 2 young kids already that he barely sees. Why would you add a 3rd?

I think you need to reconsider what you find so appealing in this man.

Consider this from his existing children's point of view: "When my dad had a new baby, he moved away from us because he didn't like us so much any more." I know that wouldn't be the reason, but it's quite likely to feel that way.

How does he propose managing childcare when you have a baby? He just thinks you should drive 40 mins extra each morning and evening? He thinks that's a good idea for you and small children?! I'd seriously reconsider having children with him, that's terrible.

How come the children only spend one night a fortnight with him? Why do the grandparents see the grandchildren just as often as the dad does?

He's being ridiculous - you want something that will affect every working day - it will only affect him once a fortnight.

Well he has very little contact so a 40 minute drive shouldn't be too much but maybe he is hoping that contact will increase and he can be more involved in their day to day lives? Why does he have such little contact and how old are his kids?

OP, have you mentioned to him that if you don't move, he'll be responsible for 50% of those drives to your mum's to drop off and pick up the baby? I have a feeling that might get him to change his mind pretty quickly!