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Original poster

How to politely tell someone to butt out of your conversation.

65 replies

MrsAzul · 14/03/2018 22:49

In the past I have asked my partner a quick question in front of his mum. Say I'm buying something for the house and want his opinion on price. So I'll ask "is this alright?" And show him my phone. He says yes or no and that's that. His mum will ask what we were talking about and then wants to discuss it. How do I tell her I don't want to discuss something with her? Or that it's just between me and my partner without sounding rude?

OP posts:
Chickenagain · 14/03/2018 23:23

Would it be that hard to indulge her?

Original poster
MrsAzul · 14/03/2018 23:25

@bertrandrussell what's life without drama? 95% of mumsnet posts wouldn't exist if it weren't for drama.

OP posts:
Original poster
MrsAzul · 14/03/2018 23:28

@chickenagain I have in the past but sometimes she's exhausting. If I call my partner whilst he's with her (say he's popped in to do some diy at hers) I'm basically talking to them both every single time. The topic will always somehow relate to her and then she will make the conversation about her

OP posts:
Original poster
MrsAzul · 14/03/2018 23:30

The best bit is, if I do text my partner and he has his phone (which is rare) he will answer out loud and then she will ask what he was answering to Grin

OP posts:
NotTakenUsername · 14/03/2018 23:34

Sounds like you aren’t going to change her op. You can be polite or rude, but she’s just a talker. I think I can picture it, and concede it would be annoying. However, she is family - and she isn’t being abusive, or even unkind.

ShamelesslyPlacemarking · 14/03/2018 23:36

So she's a bit of a chatterbox when she comes to stay. Here are your options.

a) "Just confirming DH was okay with a price for a tap."
b) "Just something I needed to know from DH."
c) "Nothing you need to worry about, MIL." (brightly)
d) "It's actually none of your business, MIL."
e) "Jesus, can I not ask my husband a simple question without you needing to have your two cents?"
f) "Fuck off you interfering cow."
f) reduce visits
g) get divorced

Pick the most suitable solution. HTH.

blueskypink · 14/03/2018 23:38

If you're bothered about etiquette, don't exclude people from conversations, however trivial. It's rude.

BackforGood · 14/03/2018 23:42

If you're bothered about etiquette, don't exclude people from conversations, however trivial. It's rude.

This ^
Either it is private, so you save it until you are alone - at bed time or, as she is only there for 2 - 3 days every now and then, shouldn't be that difficult. Or, you just let her join in the conversation. If you are so rude as to try to have some kind of private conversation in front of other people, I'm surprised you are asking about etiquette.

Original poster
MrsAzul · 14/03/2018 23:43

@ShamelesslyPlacemarking I feel like I'm slowly making my way down that list. Longest she has stayed is a week. It felt like eternity.

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Original poster
MrsAzul · 14/03/2018 23:47

@backforgood @blueskypink what's the etiquette for waiting to be invited into a conversation? People from different cultures and backgrounds view these things differently. The fact I'm asking means I want to discuss it. No ones perfect. That includes you

OP posts:
blaaake · 14/03/2018 23:55

You actually sound rather mean and rude. It is impolite to have a private conversation in front of someone you have just been talking to. And I can see why you leaving the room makes her curious, you've probably made her paranoid you're talking about her.

NotTakenUsername · 14/03/2018 23:56

It doesn’t matter what the etiquette is for her behaviour. You can only alter your own behaviours, actions and reactions.

Monty27 · 15/03/2018 00:01

Maybe she's trying to be helpful and showing she cares.
However, I would be making myself scarce. Maybe she's bored.
But I might try and give her something to do that she likes to do.

Original poster
MrsAzul · 15/03/2018 00:07

@blaaake I've never left the room or called my partner into another room to ask him something. If we happen to be in another room and I do ask him something, she will come in and ask what we're talking about. She doesn't visit us on her own so she has left her partner in the other room on his own to come and be nosy.

OP posts:
notangelinajolie · 15/03/2018 00:14

Do your shopping another time? Probably a bit rude to be on your phone when you have company. And it is mean and childish to show your DH your phone and then make a point of ignoring her. Texting between yourseves while she is in the same room is even more childish. That's the same as whispering in corners and not nice. It's like saying 'ha ha we know something and we're not telling you'. You need to grow up.

BackforGood · 15/03/2018 00:14

No ones perfect. That includes you

eh? where did I claim to be ? Confused

You asked How to politely tell someone to butt out of your conversation. Well, if there are 3 of you in the room, then you don't start a private conversation which one of the people isn't welcome in. So the need to tell them then wouldn't occur.

babba2014 · 15/03/2018 00:15

Don't take it too badly. Even nice people do this or people you're close to. Just say oh nothing just random.

Original poster
MrsAzul · 15/03/2018 00:18

@nottakenusername this is true. I am trying not to mention anything I don't want to discuss with her in front of her. I try and be as engaging as possible when she's here but I find her overbearing at times. If I pop to Tesco whilst she's here she wants to know exactly what I'm getting. If I say "just a few bits" she will ask again. It's the need to know everything and be included in absolutely everything that gets to me and I don't know how to tell her to back off without being rude. Not something I've ever had to do before. I know she's not doing it to be unkind etc. Over the years it's becoming too much.

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Original poster
MrsAzul · 15/03/2018 00:23

@notangelinajolie did you read any of my replies to questions/advice? When did I say I ignored her? I don't. Did you read the part where I said it's not always feasible to ask at a different time? Or the part where I said she will actively leave a conversation she's having to join in ours? Or the part where if my partner is at hers doing some diy for her it's like I'm talking to them at the same time?

OP posts:
Cheripie64 · 15/03/2018 00:25

You know I lost my mum over 20 years ago, would dearly love to hear her voice again, treasure her presence while you still can.

Original poster
MrsAzul · 15/03/2018 00:35

She's not just visiting for afternoon tea, she stays for at least 2 nights and not always over the weekend. We have LOs and our house is busy. I'm not asking him questions in stone silence whilst we're sat in a circle staring at each other. Generally there are a few things going on. No matter what is going on or who she is having a conversation with, she will always find herself asking about the very quick exchange between myself and my partner. Maybe I should have explained that at the beginning or maybe it makes no difference and would still be seen as rude. Who knows. General concensous from this post is that it's rude to ask your partner a quick question in front or someone and not include them. However trivial it is, such as taking the bin out Confused

OP posts:
blueskypink · 15/03/2018 08:42

The fact I'm asking means I want to discuss it. No ones perfect. That includes you

Excuse me?! Bit ironic that you are posting in etiquette. I merely said that it's rude to exclude people from conversations- which it is. It doesn't cease being rude because the third party is difficult and nosy.

Sometimes when I'm sitting with my adult ds and his gf she will do the same as you - ask him about something she's showing him on her phone or ask him something in a low voice clearly designed to exclude me, I don't ask what they're talking about, but I do find it rather rude.

coffeeforone · 15/03/2018 08:50

Would it help to speak a little louder/clearer in front of her so she doesn’t feel left out and ask you to repeat your conversation.

For example taking re bin out. Say very clearly “the bin is overflowing, it needs taken out, I’ll do it in a sec”. She might offer to do it for you!!

Penfold007 · 15/03/2018 08:52

Is yoyr DH bothered about his DM joining the conversation? If he is let him deal with her.

ReanimatedSGB · 15/03/2018 08:53

I sympathise, OP. She sounds an absolute fucking nightmare.

And, all you whiners, it's much ruder to keep butting in on other people's conversations, and to keep asking more and more questions when you've been fended off once. Some people are just incredibly fucking intrusive and self-obsessed.

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