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Original poster

What do I do in this situation? Please help!

78 replies

WhatchaMaCalllit · 13/03/2018 11:17

I have been volunteering with something that is organised through work. It is done during the working day and I commute to and from this activity using my own car. I would normally drive into work on the days when I'm not doing this activity so the fact that I'm in the car going to and from this activity would be the norm.

A colleague who is also volunteering at this activity has seen me as the taxi service to get to and from this activity.

I don't want to be seen as her chauffeur (or anyone elses either). I didn't mind taking her once or twice but every week that we're both doing this activity, she contacts me directly asking if she can get a lift.

So far today, from her I've had one phone call where she left a message, one missed call and one email all asking the same thing.

How do I get out of this situation while remaining friendly to her (as I don't want the atmosphere to change when we are both at this activity)?

OP posts:

Ariela · 13/03/2018 15:41

Why not reply 'I was actually wondering if you could give me a lift this time around please?'

greenhighlighter · 13/03/2018 15:50

You have just got to bite the bullet and be honest!

I would send this: Hey, sorry for not replying sooner. I can give you a lift tomorrow but I wont be able to any longer as I need to head off straight to my XXXXXX after volunteering, so if it's ok can you please make alternative travel arrangements from XXX date. See you in the morning x'

jobs a gooden.

InDubiousBattle · 13/03/2018 15:54

So are you actually wanting her to give you a lift sometimes? I think it would be perfectly reasonable to ask to share the driving, but a bit churlish to refuse her a lift so you both take a car from the same place, to the same place and back again just because you don't want to give her a lift.

girlwithadragontattoo · 13/03/2018 15:59

I wouldn't, i don't mind giving lifts to people every now and then but i like my space, and if i fancied going to the supermarket or something on the way home then i could without worrying about the other person.
If she drives then she can get there herself!

Rosielily · 13/03/2018 16:20

Is she asking for the lifts to save on her petrol?

greenhighlighter · 13/03/2018 16:36

Drive and sing really badly.

rollingonariver · 13/03/2018 16:41

Personally I'd give her a day every week (or month) you can take her and stick to it so you don't have to take her every-time or deal with her calling you all the time.
Ithink it's mean not to take her if it doesn't put you out and if you're worried about being contacted all the time then make a plan with her.

rollingonariver · 13/03/2018 16:42

I'd also be asking for petrol money tbh.

ceecee32 · 13/03/2018 17:13

I totally understand where the OP is coming from. As well as being taken for granted the freedom to perhsps go shopping or somewhere on whim has been taken away. And for those that think this selfish, so be it. I am.

Original poster

WhatchaMaCalllit · 14/03/2018 12:32

After all my fretting yesterday, didn't my colleague only go and drive herself to the activity today! No offer of a lift or saying "Next time, I'll drive and I'll give you a lift", nothing.
I think I will try and schedule my weeks to be the ones that she isn't on as it's clearly not a level playing field at all.
She is a taker....and I'm no longer so giving.

OP posts:

AnnieAnoniMouse · 14/03/2018 12:39

Do you often struggle socially?

Other than you think it’s cheeky, is there an actual reason you don’t want to drive her there? It seems odd if you’re not going out if your way to take her, to mind. Raid tally going to volunteer, it just seems churlish.

However, why not actually suggest you take turns? But she might not feel comfortable driving other people, or just driving.

I did assume there was a reason and it wouldn’t really bother me if I was going anyway.

Original poster

WhatchaMaCalllit · 14/03/2018 13:09

I beg your pardon? Do I often struggle socially? Eh, no. I don't. I don't like being take for a mug either!

OP posts:

NoSquirrels · 14/03/2018 14:29

Did she drive because you’d been ignoring her? Why would she offer you a lift if you haven’t been responding to her?

InDubiousBattle · 14/03/2018 14:46

Why do you think you're being taken for a mug or seen as her taxi or chauffeur though? You're both going to the same place at the same time, it makes sense to only take one car. Up until now you have always agreed to drive when she's asked. She calls you to check it's ok to get a lift, you ignore her so she drives herself. Wouldn't it be more grown up to simply ring her and suggest that you take it in turns driving?

FinallyHere · 14/03/2018 14:54

Wouldn't it be more grown up to simply ring her and suggest that you take it in turns driving?

No, because OP has done plenty, and received nothing in return. Asking for a lift, then driving yourself without offering a lift back, is edging into CF territory. I usually prefer company, so am almost always happy to offer a lift, in the first instance. I have got better at making sure I am not taken advantage of, as a result.

InDubiousBattle · 14/03/2018 15:02

But in a pp the op says that she always replies 'sure, no problem!' when asked for a lift so the friend probably thinks that it isn't a problem!

Original poster

WhatchaMaCalllit · 14/03/2018 15:28

Coming back to this thread now so I can answer a few questions.

For NoSquirrels
The weather here today is brutal - lashing rain from very early on so this colleague drove herself into work (which is what I do for myself every day) and was then able to drive herself to and from the activity. She didn't offer me a lift. I don't know what her regular transportation requirements are so I can't say that driving in a regular thing for her. I also can't say with any certainty that it isn't either. I didn't ignore her, I replied to her email yesterday that I wouldn't be able to bring her and that I'd see her there. That was fine according to her reply.

For InDubiousBattle
I feel I'm being taken for a mug as I've driven to this activity loads and not once has she asked the day before "How are you getting there? Will you need a lift?". Not once. Also, I do reply "Sure, no problem" because I can never remember any MN replies like "I'm sorry that doesn't work for me tomorrow" in time so I'm not going to be rude to her face or on the phone to her.

When the weather improves, I'll start walking to the activity (get my daily exercise as it's about 30 minutes away).

I started this thread asking for help on how you would deal with a situation like this (it's not in AIBU for that reason). You do think I'm unreasonable not to give her a lift but that really wasn't my question. I wanted to be able to politely decline her request to get a lift every time we are both scheduled to do this activity.

OP posts:

InDubiousBattle · 14/03/2018 15:42

I think you have your answer op, if she said it's fine then I'd take her at her word!

NoSquirrels · 14/03/2018 16:14

After all my fretting yesterday, didn't my colleague only go and drive herself to the activity today! No offer of a lift or saying "Next time, I'll drive and I'll give you a lift", nothing.

I didn't ignore her, I replied to her email yesterday that I wouldn't be able to bring her and that I'd see her there. That was fine according to her reply.

So why on earth did you expect her to offer you a lift? You said you'd see her there.

If someone says to me "I'll see you there", then I wouldn't offer them a lift because it's quite clear to me that they have their own plans to get there.

I do think you're being a bit difficult on this. You expect something of this woman without being clear to her face what it is. If you don't want to drive her each week, that's fine - but as you can see, you can just politely say so and she'll make her own way there. But if what you actually want is for her to read your mind and offer you a lift, then that's unreasonable. It might be polite of her to do so, but it clearly hasn't occurred to her and that's that.

And in any case, you don't want a lift with her - you said it can be strained.

So to me it comes across as being a bit "professionally offended", tbh.

FinallyHere · 14/03/2018 16:27

And others will recognise that uncomfortable feeling of getting it in the neck for starting something kind, only to discover that you start to feel taken for granted. Exactly because you are being taken for granted.

Who, given the choice, don't get in first and offer a lift, to someone who has given them plenty of lifts Its the difference, i think, between people you click with, and those you don't.

Dealing with people for whom you have done something kind shouldn't be any kind of effort.

NoSquirrels · 14/03/2018 16:27

I mean, there could be all manner of reasons why she usually tries to get a lift with you instead of driving herself - because her partner usually has the car, or because she hates driving/parking/usually gets the bus, or simply because every time she's asked you've said "no problem".

I wanted to be able to politely decline her request to get a lift every time we are both scheduled to do this activity.

So you did. And it was "fine according to her reply."
But actually you really wanted to moan that she didn't offer you a lift. And you've never once asked her to share the driving.

I think I will try and schedule my weeks to be the ones that she isn't on as it's clearly not a level playing field at all.
She is a taker....and I'm no longer so giving.

You've no idea she's a "taker" because you've never asked her to do something to help you out for her to refuse. Perhaps she's just a bit oblivious to you not being happy with the arrangement - and if she knew, she'd be happy to rectify it?

As you point out, you don't know, and neither do we. But I think you're being a tad disingenuous to say you only wanted advice on how to get out of it when a lot of your posts make reference to how she is treating you - that she "assumes" you'll give her a lift each week, when in fact she checks every time, that she's likely to be offended if you don't say "Sure, no problems" when she's never indicated anything of the sort.

emmyrose2000 · 19/03/2018 23:22

If she drives, then that puts a very different slant on things. She should have been offering to do every second trip and not expecting you to do all the driving - that makes her a cf in my opinion

Exactly. Colleague sounds like a very rude user.

I'm astounded by some of the replies you've received, OP. It's perfectly fine to decline doing something for the simple reason you don't want to.

I can only conclude that some of the people on this thread are CF themselves and/or don't drive so don't realise how annoying it is to be expected to be the chauffeur all the time.

JeNeSuisPasVotreMiel · 20/03/2018 07:22

The luxury of us all driving ourselves about in individual cars is massively damaging to the environment. In a generations' time I doubt it will even be feasible.

If you have it in the goodness of your heart to volunteer - I'm assuming that you are doing this out of altruism in order to help people less fortunate than yourself, or perhaps you are even doing environmental work - why on earth would you not also help another human being by giving up 5 minutes of your me-time?

You say it's 30 minutes walk, so it would be a really brief car journey.

Arrange with her to lift share on alternate journeys. Then you will be really doing something altruistic.

The classic MN response is 'just say no' but that's just your keyboard bravado at work. In real life we have to be a lot more considerate to those around us.

PoppyOnTheRun · 20/03/2018 07:49

Sorry my car is full of stuff I’m dropping to a friend on the way home. Then put a couple of bin bags filled with clothes on each seat. After refusing a few times she will probably stop asking.

PoppyOnTheRun · 20/03/2018 07:51

I’d probably just say shall we take it in turns to drive and share lifts though. You can ask her how she is getting there and ask for a lift as you are low of fuel and won’t have time to stop. Just change the habit.

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