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Original poster

What do I do in this situation? Please help!

78 replies

WhatchaMaCalllit · 13/03/2018 11:17

I have been volunteering with something that is organised through work. It is done during the working day and I commute to and from this activity using my own car. I would normally drive into work on the days when I'm not doing this activity so the fact that I'm in the car going to and from this activity would be the norm.

A colleague who is also volunteering at this activity has seen me as the taxi service to get to and from this activity.

I don't want to be seen as her chauffeur (or anyone elses either). I didn't mind taking her once or twice but every week that we're both doing this activity, she contacts me directly asking if she can get a lift.

So far today, from her I've had one phone call where she left a message, one missed call and one email all asking the same thing.

How do I get out of this situation while remaining friendly to her (as I don't want the atmosphere to change when we are both at this activity)?

OP posts:

TheDishRanAwayWithTheSpoon · 13/03/2018 13:47

You still haven't given a reason why not op other than you just don't want to, is she annoying, smelly, you like time by yourself, you like to sing in your car? You just seem to resent her but it's really better for the environment, parking etc if you all travel together, and if it doesn't inconvenience you it's like saying no for the sake of it.
Of course you can not give her a lift, but you can't do that and expect her to not be put out by it.

NoSquirrels · 13/03/2018 13:48

Would you still be of that opinion if it were you and your colleague was trying to contact you twice by phone and once by email a day ahead of the activity to find out if they can get a lift with you?
Yes, quite reasonable to contact you. Better than assuming you’ll give her a lift. And as you haven’t said no yet, how else would they find out?

Would you not be thinking that your colleague should either (a) find an alternative way to get to the activity or (b) offer lifts in return?
You could discuss it with them? Answer phone or email to say - glad you called, I was going to ask you if you’d be able to give me a lift this week.

It doesn’t make much sense fir 2 people to drive, and you’re going to and from exactly the same place. I’m not sure why you object.

TheDishRanAwayWithTheSpoon · 13/03/2018 13:48

If you dont like her contacting you either tell her you can't give her a lift or just organise it earlier?

NoSquirrels · 13/03/2018 13:50

She has since sent me a text message asking for a lift. Is this not a bit 'needy'? Why can't she make her own way there, or even ask someone else for a lift??

Because you haven’t told her the arrangement no longer works for you.

Isadora2007 · 13/03/2018 13:52

Why can’t you ask her to share the lifts?

Original poster

WhatchaMaCalllit · 13/03/2018 13:56

@TheDishRanAwayWithTheSpoon - she isn't annoying or smelly. Believe me, I would have mentioned something like that in my OP. We just don't have a lot in common and the conversation on the journey is strained at best.
As it happens, I do like to sing in the car (or at least have the radio on to catch up with the news) but having her in the car wouldn't stop me having the radio on low.

OP posts:

Alison100199 · 13/03/2018 13:58

I am totally with you OP and I think people are being unfair. I find it stressful constantly giving lifts and need the alone time driving gives me. I'd just text back saying you are really sorry but you can't give her a lift today. No explanation.

Thehogfather · 13/03/2018 14:03

I'd say 'actually I've been intending to talk to you, it would be easier to arrange a rota so we both know whose turn it is to drive'. She can't really get out of that without openly saying she doesn't intend taking turns.

I don't mind giving people lifts normally, but I really resent anyone who expects it. And anything reasonably regular I expect them either to offer to take their turn or offer a contribution to the cost. Even if I don't take the contribution at least it indicates whether they are a freeloader.

Aridane · 13/03/2018 14:05

It’s a difficult one, OP, as she isn’t offensive or putting you out. It’s a difficult one to navigate. No ideas as to how to deal - sorry

MadMags · 13/03/2018 14:06

Not sure why I copped an attitude! I was asking because it would have been easier to come up with a reason if there was extra work involved.

Either ignore her requests completely, or speak to her the way you've spoken on this thread and she won't want to get in a car with you

Original poster

WhatchaMaCalllit · 13/03/2018 14:15

The attitude if one was copped wasn't intentional MadMags, so apologies if you thought I was being rude. I did mention in my opening post, that I don't want to be her taxi but I also don't want to cause the atmosphere to change at the activity simply because she isn't getting a lift from me. So, how can I let her down gently and not be rude or offensive to her even though she doesn't seem to mind asking me for lifts and basically expecting me to say "Sure thing, no problems" every time?

OP posts:

Bellamuerte · 13/03/2018 14:16

It sounds like the colleague has her own car and drives herself to and from work? In which case YANBU to expect her to take her own car.

If the colleague doesn't have a car and has to take public transport or taxi then YABU. It's not out of your way and it's for charity work.

Perhaps you could suggest setting up a rota for drivers to give lifts to non drivers? Or ensure you don't volunteer on the same days as her?

Purpledahlia88 · 13/03/2018 14:19

To the people saying tell the woman you can't for "personal reasons" I can honestly imagine people gossiping about you if you did this and finding you very strange.

If you don't want to do it don't do it (though I'm another who doesn't see the problem tbh) but please don't start saying "personal reasons" or the Mumsnet classic "it doesn't work for me" - if she says oh why, you can't just keep repeating the mumsnet mantra despite what people advise.

NoSquirrels · 13/03/2018 14:19

how can I let her down gently and not be rude or offensive to her even though she doesn't seem to mind asking me for lifts and basically expecting me to say "Sure thing, no problems" every time?

Answer the phone or email first time she asks. Say "I'm afraid I can't give you a lift tomorrow, X - in fact, best not to rely on me every week."

That is not rude or offensive. She may find it a bit odd, though, given that you've never said anything before now. If I had got a lift a couple of times with someone, I would probably check the day before it was OK for the same arrangement this week. I'd offer petrol money, though.

MadMags · 13/03/2018 14:29

I’d agree with something like

“Actually, I can’t this week and to be honest, it’ll be tricky for the next while so maybe arrange something else for now.”

And then just don’t mention it again!

FlyingMonkeys · 13/03/2018 14:30

If she drives I think it's a slightly different situation. As pp suggested ask her to take turns for lifts. I might feel a bit put out if it was all one sided too.

Or if you aren't keen to travel in with her just make something up...
I'm really sorry but due to a change in circumstances I won't be able to run you in/back home. As I'm helping out with a commitment that requires me going there before and straight after.

*if you can think of a valid excuse even better.

MavisPike · 13/03/2018 14:32

I'd probably reply that its fine for tomorrow but please don't rely on me regularly as I have other commitments
I think I would be put out if she never offered to drive

SmashedMug · 13/03/2018 14:35

You should just reply and say "your turn this week!"

SantanicoPandemonium · 13/03/2018 14:43

If she drives, then that puts a very different slant on things. She should have been offering to do every second trip and not expecting you to do all the driving - that makes her a cf in my opinion.

mikeyssister · 13/03/2018 14:48

I'm with you, it totally changes the dynamic. I don't like people in my car all the time. She should also offer you a lift occasionally too.

Just say it doesn't suit. If anyone asks tell them you've phone calls to make and you use a bluetooth/loudspeaker so it's not appropriate.

SleepySheepy · 13/03/2018 15:00

I'm in a kind of similar situation OP, I just haven't really voiced it before. I'm currently spending a fortune driving to work when I don't normally as I'm PG and I can't do what I usually do.
Someone else at work who is PG is in the same situation and has asked me for a lift. Which I've been doing, for months.
I feel a natural compulsion to help other people, but I work in a stressful job and often I can't leave on time, although I try very hard to, due to the lift situation. The added stress this puts on me on days when I've not been sure when I'm leaving work but need to try and help the other lady has had me in tears at times.
I felt bad accepting any money and never put a 'price' on it, so nothing has been offered, and I later realised the other lady has her own car so could take some of the driving/parking costs but doesn't.
I am not going out of my way to give the lift, it's not costing me anything, but admittedly sometimes I don't want to. I guess some of the other posters on here would think I'm horrible for thinking that sometimes.
I don't really have to do anything though as it will obviously come to a natural end when I leave work.

Inthetropics · 13/03/2018 15:12

I can relate to this. I drive to and from work everyday and don't mind giving a lift occasionally but to be expected to do it on a regular basis is annoying. I really enjoy driving alone, it's one od my favorite times in the day. I'll listen to music that most people don't appreciate and sing. I'll choose diferent trajects to get to the same places frequently because i enjoy it and having to stick to a specific rota in order to give a lift can be a nuisance...

I will sometimes offer lifts to work colleaguaes and always to close friends. I don't actually understand when someone who isn't close to me expects to get lifts every week or for a whole month because the person who usually gives them a lift is on a holiday/taking leave and i'll say no to such requests after a very BAD experience i had doing this.

In your situation, f your colleague has her own car, i'd probably suggest we alternate or explain that i see driving as "me time". I've done it in the past and some people seem to understand it while others just find it weird and see me as being selfish.

lakeshoreliving · 13/03/2018 15:14

Ask if you can share the driving. You are both going to the same place it makes no sense to run two cars. I guess there is reason why she isn't keen on driving, you could try asking her. It is going to look a bit odd if you refuse to ever give her lifts as you are going to the same place, but it should be shared.

SilverHairedCat · 13/03/2018 15:19

@SleepySheepy please please please tell her you can't afford to do it any more, and that you are unable to leave on time so she needs to make other arrangements starting from, say, Friday. Give her notice if you want but stop taking this on yourself.

Enjoy your pregnancy, get some peace back.

longtompot · 13/03/2018 15:29

I would reply asking if she can drive instead. I think the reason you are getting so many messages from her is because you haven't replied and she isn't a mind reader. She isn't aware you don't want to be giving her a lift.

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