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Original poster

Should I boycott this Golden Wedding party?

36 replies

mynameismrbloom · 08/03/2018 08:37

I have never got on with my mother. I was the scapegoat, treated differently from my siblings, was told she wished she had aborted me etc. I left home as early as I could, have made my own way. I haven't cut off my mother as such, but rarely see her.

An aunt is celebrating her Gold Wedding anniversary soon. It is a big family event with a sit down meal. Her daughter, my cousin, who has always been a bit of a troublemaker, is delighting in telling me how difficult it is for her mother to arrange the seating because "there may be trouble" if she sat me near my mother!

I have never caused trouble in my life. I suck up my mother's abusive comments because I hate public scenes. Maybe aunt means that my mother would cause trouble, I don't know.

Anyway, apparently it is causing a huge issue and spoiling the planning. Shall I just say I won't go? Problem solved then. I don't care one way or the other but DP says it's not fair that I miss out because of something that is not my fault and my mother would have achieved what she always wanted - me not involved with family.

(For the record, if I don't go, mother would tell everyone how rude I was anyway...)

OP posts:
Original poster
mynameismrbloom · 08/03/2018 09:07

Hopeful bump

OP posts:
LuckyBitches · 08/03/2018 09:11

I would say don't go. What are you going to get out of it? It doesn't sound like you even like them (not unreasonably!). I know it can be hard to walk away, though. But what's the worst that can happen? Sometimes falling out is a good thing. Families can be dreadful. Flowers

FucksakeCuntingFuckingTwats · 08/03/2018 09:11

Do YOU want to go? Id go with your gut instinct on this, it's usually right.

I fell out with a family member and I missed many things as a result as for me, it was just easier to completely stay away and not feel shit at an event and feel like everyone was watching us. What is your relationship like with your aunt? You could just say you have a prior engagement if you don't want to go. Or if you do want to go, go with your head held high and completely blank her then leave as soon as you like after the meal thanking your aunt graciously.

Aprilmightmemynewname · 08/03/2018 09:11

I would be nc with such a dm and no way would I want to be in the same room as her. Send a card but decline the invite.

Lentilbaby · 08/03/2018 09:12

I wouldn't go just to make a point OP. How do you feel? Would you honestly like to go? Would it be nice to catch up with the rest of your family?

Finola1step · 08/03/2018 09:13

Do you want to go?

Wannabecitygirl · 08/03/2018 09:13

I think you should go if you want to go. Don’t feel pressured into going if you don’t want to, but equally don’t miss out if this was something you were looking forward to.

Are you on goodness terms with your Aunt? Could you ring her and share your thoughts?

IWouldLikeToKnow · 08/03/2018 09:15

If you want to go you should just go. This party isn't about your mum. It's fit your aunt. It's your choice.

picklemepopcorn · 08/03/2018 09:15

Ask your aunt. Say you are uncomfortable about the tension between you and your mother spoiling Aunt's event, but don't want to let her down by not going. We often get caught up in our own anxiety, and forget the basic. Does your aunt want you there, do you want to be there? That is all that matters.

senua · 08/03/2018 09:17

Why don't you speak to your aunt? You only have this on the say-so of your cousin.
Also, one minute you are saying it's a "big" event and that you have siblings (plural) then next minute you are saying that it will be difficult to seat you away from your mother. Is it big or little?Confused
Speak to your aunt.

flumpybear · 08/03/2018 09:22

Is definitely go!! I love family events and catching up with those family members I do love - re your mum I'd make sure I looked amazing and just be polite. I'm sure your cousin is stirring because how difficult is it to find two seats away from each other for goodness sake

I'd go and I'd enjoy every minute and two fingers up to mum and cousin

Original poster
mynameismrbloom · 08/03/2018 09:22

I like my aunt, she is bullied by my mother to a certain extent also, but I don't trust her. As a child I confided in her once and she went running to my mother and I was hit quite badly over that. As an adult I can see that aunt went running to her (older) sister to keep in the good books... but at the expense of an 11 year old?

I think I will ring aunt and say I have a prior engagement anyway so their is no problem.

I don't care whether I am there or not. Siblings didn't stick up for me, cousin still taunts me (I think this happens when there is a scapegoat and the person bullying is scary, others join in so that THEY aren't the next target) but this is the only time since aunt and uncle's silver anniversary that the entire family will be together so it will be fairly obvious.

OP posts:
Peeetle · 08/03/2018 09:24

It sounds like an awful event with awful people and I would not go.

AJPTaylor · 08/03/2018 09:26

i wouldnt go.
as pp say, drop a card for the event. decline invite politely. refuse to engage

Original poster
mynameismrbloom · 08/03/2018 09:26

senua About 50 people I think. By "difficult to seat away" I don't think cousin means in distance, I think she means in how it looks. I believe the issue is that "families" are going to be seated on individual tables but apparently I spoil that dynamic. I'll be sat with cousins family or something, not with my own siblings.

OP posts:
picklemepopcorn · 08/03/2018 09:34

In that case, it makes sense to stay away. Do you get any joy out of your family?

kerryleigh · 08/03/2018 09:45

I wouldn't go. I'm sure I would find something more enjoyable to do and so should you Flowers

Original poster
mynameismrbloom · 08/03/2018 09:45

picklemepopcorn When my mother isn't around my siblings and I get on well. Joy? Not really (but I can imagine that would happen if the joy wasn't sucked out of stuff.)

I have a couple of other aunts that I really like but they live far away. Basically my mother is a trouble maker and matriarch and it's too hard to fight.

OP posts:
Original poster
mynameismrbloom · 08/03/2018 09:48

OK, decided not to go. Will do something great that weekend!

No doubt I will get stick for hat decision also as it will look bad (only person not going in the entire family) but my name probably couldn't be any blacker, so who cares!

Thanks all

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rocketgirl22 · 08/03/2018 09:52

There is absolutely no fucking way I would go.

Your recovery from your toxic family depends on keeping your self esteem in tact, spending time with people that value you and keeping healthy mentally by distancing yourself.

They are already predicting 'drama' and already relishing the prospect, despite the fact you and I both know you wouldn't dream of doing this. It won't be you though, it will be the others...so stay the hell away from that awful awful 'event'.

Confirm with your aunt that you would love to be there, but simply can't make it. Personally if it were me I would quietly ask a neutral member of the family to take some flowers and card from you to pass to the aunt in your absence. Your mother then can't say anything unkind, as that will be such thoughtful.

All the seating drama ends and they will have to find another way to entertain themselves instead of using you as the family punchbag.

Arrange the most lovely weekend for yourself, with the people you love so you do not feel left out, and don't look at FB or SM for a few days. Treat yourself to the most lovely day and forget about going.

This will end badly for you otherwise

Original poster
mynameismrbloom · 08/03/2018 10:03

The party is in a hotel and aunt and uncle are staying overnight so I can send flowers and card to the room.

OP posts:
rocketgirl22 · 08/03/2018 10:10

Perfect. Send the flowers wish them well, and forget all about it.

I had a similar invitation, a 60th, and I didn't go. It came and went and I didn't allow myself to think about it.
I haven't been to a family event in years. I doubt I will ever go to another now. I have filled my life with loving friends, other members of family that aren't connected from dh's side and I don't get involved.

I am haven't gone completely nc either, but I have gone as low contact as possible and do everything on my terms now. It is quite liberating, painful at times but liberating.

You can't change them, but you can change your reaction to them.

SnowOnTheSeine · 08/03/2018 10:11

I wouldn't go.

And I would look at the stately homes threads on MN to support you in general. A lot of MNers get a lot of help from toxic families / family members from those threads.

I would also consider stepping away from my family. I can't believe you confided in your aunt and it got you abused even further!

Original poster
mynameismrbloom · 08/03/2018 11:35

Rang aunt and told her. Said we are going away (we will be now!) She was a bit huffy about how everyone else can make it but hey ho.

At least if cousin starts baiting me again I can shut her down.

Thanks again all.

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AuntFidgetWonkhamStrongNajork · 08/03/2018 11:45

You were never going to 'win' - whatever you did would have been wrong. At least this way you don't have to go to the party Smile