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Original poster

Pregnant to a married man (please read don't judge)

42 replies

Cemkg123 · 19/09/2017 12:01

So I'm 27, have been with my boyfriend for 5 years, we live in different countries. I see him for 6 months in the summer every year and he is Muslim. The reason he told me we couldn't get married was because of his parents, they wouldn't agree to it as I'm not Muslim and not from his country. I was in love with him, he made me fall in love with him, I tried to push him away many times, but he kept trying to fight his way back into my life trying to show me how he loves me etc etc he treats me better than anyone, nothing is too much to ask, he is almost perfect, and I was willing to wait for his parents to not be around until we could be together after seeing how much effort he put in to trying to be in my life, and he knew this. I was on the contraceptive pill and have been for 10 years, this year I find out I am pregnant, doctor prescribed me norethisterone because I was spotting while on the pill and I think a mix of messing with that and also I was ill had messed up my body and I fell pregnant unexpectedly.
I told him and he didn't seem so bothered, 2 days after I asked what he wanted to do he said honestly he didn't want the baby because he wasn't ready, but it was my choice and whatever I decide he will be there. This whole situation was stressful enough, untill a week later after my mum doing some detective work on facebook, a young girl tells my mum he is married and has been for 15 years, and has 3 children. Youngest is 6. I've asked him many times in the past if he was married he told me no and tried to 'prove' it. We speak everyday all day in winter when he's supposedly with his wife. We spoke about it and his marriage was arranged by his parents when he was 16, he is now 31. he told me he didn't know what love was back then, and he didn't tell me the truth because he didn't want to lose me but he also didn't expect to fall in love with me but that he does really love me. His culture don't take kindly to divorce, also he has children which I would never make him leave. I believe that he loves me but I also hate him for lying for so long and making me feel so stupid for believing him. I decided to keep the baby, I'm 8 weeks pregnant. I understand his culture, although don't particularly agree with it, I don't really know what to expect. I've been stressed since and have had bleeding, doctor says everything looks normal though. We haven't spoken about it again since although he is still staying with me as I'm in his country. He has been to one scan with me, and I'm still seeing him to try to keep my stress levels down as the bleeding has really scared me, because the doctors here say there's a risk of miscarriage with blood. But I also feel I can't get excited, and I feel more nervous than anything and have huge amounts of stress. Anyone have any advice? I don't know what I was looking for but I felt I needed to get this off my chest.

Also the second year we were together he told me to stop taking my pill to have a baby, which I refused because I felt it was too soon and not ideal. He also told me one winter he wished I was pregnant so he could tell his parents he had to look after me.

I'm sorry it's long but my head is all over the place.

OP posts:
Flyingflipflop · 19/09/2017 12:05

There is only one question really. Do you want this baby? The rest flows from there.

As for your boyfriend, he's kind of kept a huge secret from you. There's not a lot more to add really. If you stay with him you'll only live a half life waiting for him.

user1490395938 · 19/09/2017 12:07

Bless you. I dont want to read and run but wanted to send a hug. You sound like a lovely, strong lady and you will be a wonderful mum! He sounds like he isn't to be trusted. Xx

Viviennemary · 19/09/2017 12:12

I'm not surprised your head is all over the place in this very difficult situation. It's not you. Everybody would find this almost unbearable. You have to deal with the practical issues here like bringing up a child and whether or not the father will be involved and how much. And are you to be a secret for ever even with this new child on the scene.

You can take charge and say out of my life but you don't want to do this. Fair enough it's your decision. But from now on he will be calling the shots and heaping on more misery and uncertainty. He wants it all ways.

MrsPottsTeaCosy · 19/09/2017 12:17

Very tricky, what happens when your child asks questions about their heritage, wants to meet their siblings?

Fantasticmissfoxy · 19/09/2017 12:36

I feel for you, I really do - you haven't done anything wrong in this situation. You need to decide if you are happy to be a single parent to this baby and effectively 'count him out' of being there in any practical way. I would hope that he will offer you some financial support but realistically he is not going to leave or divorce his wife and make a life with you. Are you in a position to manage on your own?

XJerseyGirlX · 19/09/2017 12:38

You have just one decision to make , do YOU want the baby? don't base it on your future with this man, just base it on what you want as your the one alone in this, regardless of the situation and how much he will try and support you.

Good luck OP, hope your ok

Original poster
Cemkg123 · 19/09/2017 12:41

Also I forgot to mention, I have met one of my boyfriends brothers and 2 of his uncles. All of which talk to me, and treat me well. So you can see how I was confused. I would like to keep the baby, I would also like him to be a part of the baby's life wether we were together or not. Be that just a little or a lot. Also I'm not a secret to anyone in the town that he works. Everyone knows me, all of his friends etc. This doesn't make the situation better but just trying to show how confusing the situation is.
I will teach the baby about it's heritage, as for the siblings then I'm not sure, it all depends on how things go. His kids were a secret from me for 5 years, the baby doesn't need to know about other siblings, especially if the father wants nothing to do with him/her. At least that's how I feel at the moment

OP posts:
Anatidae · 19/09/2017 12:43

He's lied to you and strung you along for five years. All the arranged stuff blah blah blah... he's having all the benefits of a family (and yes he is sleeping with her)and you on the side as well.

He will never leave his family. Even when his parents die.

Original poster
Cemkg123 · 19/09/2017 12:45

Plus my mum is a huge support. She has told me she will help me with whatever I need. And also says I can live with her for the beginning of the baby's life so she can help. I know if I keep the baby I won't be alone, but I will be a single mum. I wanted a baby at some point. I also feel that maybe this could be one and maybe the only good thing to come out of this past 5 years. At least I wìll have something.

OP posts:
Ttbb · 19/09/2017 12:53

I'm pretty sure that his culture also frowns upon getting women other than your wife pregnant....I know that this is hard but this man doesn't love you. If he love you he would have left you and had nothing to do with you instead of lying to you while continuing his married life. You do realise that he's still sleeping with his wife right? He's been using his culture and his parents as an excuse. If he really wanted to be with you he would have just left and never looked back. If he had any respect for you he would have told you the truth. Do what you want but don't do it with him.

Original poster
Cemkg123 · 19/09/2017 13:00

Of course, I know alot about his culture. There's alot of things he's done thats against his culture and religion. I'm not naive, I know he will have been sleeping with his wife. I'm just trying to be understanding. Getting angry, aggressive and irrational is not my way, it will only lead me to more stress. The way I see it is, his marriage was arranged and forced, he's from a village where if the man leave the woman, the woman is forever seen as a failure. Also his kids, he doesn't want to hurt them too. I'm not making excuses for him. I'm just trying to understand more, our culture in the UK is different and therefore most of the time we don't understand completely the practices of others. Again he knows what he did was wrong. I also don't blame him for falling in love. It's not his fault or his wife or mine. It's His fault for lying and keeping me going for so long. But I also understand if he wasn't happy then I can see why he did it.

OP posts:
Imaweeble · 19/09/2017 13:12

Sorry but I am going to be blunt here but this is not going to end well for you. He has a wife and children and he is using the old excuse of the marriage was arranged and he doesn't love her, maybe that's true but even in the Muslim culture they can divorce, it's not always looked upon favourably but it is a possibility. Also it's more than likely his wife is a family member and if they do separate due to him wanting to be with you then he will most likely be disowned.

What's most important here is the baby, if you've already had complications due to stress then I would suggest you get on the first flight back to the UK and get the support and love you need from your family.

This guy is not going to be able to give you what you both need and tbh he sounds like a typical summer resort worker. Sorry if I seem harsh, I really don't mean to be but men like this piss me right off!

I wish you all the luck with what you decide to do

AmyGardner · 19/09/2017 13:16

How would you explain to your child that it's Daddy walks in and out of it's life at will? I think if you've been fine with such a marginal relationship then great, but for a child...I think not so much.

babba2014 · 19/09/2017 13:18

What a mess. I don't understand the mentioning he's a Muslim part as it seems irrelevant to the situation. A practising Muslim would not be seeing another woman unmarried and get her pregnant full stop. That's the whole point of being a Muslim and following the beliefs, so situations like these don't happen. It's so unfortunate for the kids who suffer.

The question is do you want to be with him or not? You need to lay clear boundaries to him so he doesn't keep on taking advantage of you.

ijustwannadance · 19/09/2017 13:19

If you decide to keep the baby or not you need to stay away from this man. He is a liar and a cheat.

I know what I would do in your situation. I would want no ties to this man or his family.

Original poster
Cemkg123 · 19/09/2017 13:22

As I said I don't know what's happening yet. If he wants to be part of its life then I will explain it can't be just when it suits him. I don't want to be one of those people who say you're not seeing the child just because I'm pissed off at him. The child will have a family at home with me, who knows I may even meet another guy who will treat the child as it's own. The baby will be loved, and at least when it's at an age that it can understand it will see that I never stopped the father from seeing them, and they can make their own mind up about their father. And also my family is here with me at the moment, and I also have friends coming tomorrow. The doctor also told me not to fly any time soon as they want to monitor the bleeding

OP posts:
GoldenOrb · 19/09/2017 13:25

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Therealslimshady1 · 19/09/2017 13:33

It sounds as if you are so.understanding of his culture that you are willing to be a man's second wife/GF?

It sounds as if you ARE making excuses for him

Anyway, I hope it works out for you, but please don't put yourself in a vulnerable position.

Flossy1978 · 19/09/2017 13:36

If you are in a Muslim run country right now and in the future with your child, I'd be very careful of being prevented to leave when you want. Worse, he takes your child. If they follow their religion to the T, especially Sharia Law...... goodbye to your child. You will never see him/her again.

Can't believe your whole family and friends are coming over.

Leave as soon as you can fly. This will only end up badly for you and most likely your child. There are sooooooo many cases of child abduction from Western women in these Muslim run countries.

You sound smart, but awfully naïve.

Therealslimshady1 · 19/09/2017 13:43

Yes, I am worried too by your naivity

What is the law about adultery in his country? You don't want to go to prison or worse!

Please look after yourself

Original poster
Cemkg123 · 19/09/2017 14:07

Believe me I am not naive, I understand many of you think this though, and that's ok. You don't know me personally so therefore don't have much to go by. I am in turkey. Have been coming here for a very long time and know alot of ex pats here too. He will never stop me leaving the country, and he is definitely not gonna steal my child because I am only 8 weeks pregnant and even though he's a liar and a cheat he would not do this. He knows I want to go home soon and he's ok with that. My mum flew out when everything happened and as I said the doctor won't allow me to fly yet. As for my friends, they had already planned to come here since May. I am booked to stay here til end of ocobter and they have planned since may to come here for a holiday and fly home with me. I hate the uk, I'm not happy there so that's also the reason I haven't gone home yet. Sharia law is not in place here.

OP posts:
Original poster
Cemkg123 · 19/09/2017 14:10

As for the comment 'I can't believe your friends and family are coming over' my mum flew here to support me when I told her I was unable to fly. And like I said my friends planned to come here since may. I have alot of people here. My stress levels are not as high as they were 2 weeks ago, my mum and friends are helping me so relax and, actually so is the father of my baby. So when I have the ok to fly from the doctor, yes I will be going home.

OP posts:
Viviennemary · 19/09/2017 14:16

Why would anybody put their faith in a liar and a cheat (your words) and expect him to do the right thing. I'd say that was pretty naïve. You are living in cloud cuckoo land OP.

Anatidae · 19/09/2017 14:17

He will never stop me leaving the country, and he is definitely not gonna steal my child because I am only 8 weeks pregnant and even though he's a liar and a cheat he would not do this.

I live overseas. I know multiple women who have had the situation where the father has taken the baby 'for a visit' back to the home country and the mother has never seen them again. The Hague convention doesn't mean you'll get your child back - it's a long, hard battle through the courts and lots of countries aren't even signed up to it. In a country with strict sharia ( and most of those countries are not great places for women) your views mean nothing. Your rights are zero.
Turkey is secular but that's changing - you must know that if you live there.

It happens. It happens to women who were convinced, just as you are, that he would never do that. Every single one of them said the same thing, exactly what you're saying now. You are being incredibly naive.

Come back to the uk. Have your baby here. Do not put him On the birth certificate. Do not allow him to take the baby anywhere.

You're being extremely naive and you're extremely vulnerable.

Valentine2 · 19/09/2017 14:20

A practising Muslim would not be seeing another woman unmarried and get her pregnant full stop.
^ this.
So his being Muslim is not relevant here. And he is using it as a way of explaining away what he did (cheating on his wife and messing with you) if he keeps telling you about his culture and arranged marriage etc. And also if men from his family have met you (did you pay attention as to why you only met the men from his side?).
He is telling you who he is, regardless of his religion. Listen to him.