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Original poster

Pregnant to a married man (please read don't judge)

42 replies

Cemkg123 · 19/09/2017 12:01

So I'm 27, have been with my boyfriend for 5 years, we live in different countries. I see him for 6 months in the summer every year and he is Muslim. The reason he told me we couldn't get married was because of his parents, they wouldn't agree to it as I'm not Muslim and not from his country. I was in love with him, he made me fall in love with him, I tried to push him away many times, but he kept trying to fight his way back into my life trying to show me how he loves me etc etc he treats me better than anyone, nothing is too much to ask, he is almost perfect, and I was willing to wait for his parents to not be around until we could be together after seeing how much effort he put in to trying to be in my life, and he knew this. I was on the contraceptive pill and have been for 10 years, this year I find out I am pregnant, doctor prescribed me norethisterone because I was spotting while on the pill and I think a mix of messing with that and also I was ill had messed up my body and I fell pregnant unexpectedly.
I told him and he didn't seem so bothered, 2 days after I asked what he wanted to do he said honestly he didn't want the baby because he wasn't ready, but it was my choice and whatever I decide he will be there. This whole situation was stressful enough, untill a week later after my mum doing some detective work on facebook, a young girl tells my mum he is married and has been for 15 years, and has 3 children. Youngest is 6. I've asked him many times in the past if he was married he told me no and tried to 'prove' it. We speak everyday all day in winter when he's supposedly with his wife. We spoke about it and his marriage was arranged by his parents when he was 16, he is now 31. he told me he didn't know what love was back then, and he didn't tell me the truth because he didn't want to lose me but he also didn't expect to fall in love with me but that he does really love me. His culture don't take kindly to divorce, also he has children which I would never make him leave. I believe that he loves me but I also hate him for lying for so long and making me feel so stupid for believing him. I decided to keep the baby, I'm 8 weeks pregnant. I understand his culture, although don't particularly agree with it, I don't really know what to expect. I've been stressed since and have had bleeding, doctor says everything looks normal though. We haven't spoken about it again since although he is still staying with me as I'm in his country. He has been to one scan with me, and I'm still seeing him to try to keep my stress levels down as the bleeding has really scared me, because the doctors here say there's a risk of miscarriage with blood. But I also feel I can't get excited, and I feel more nervous than anything and have huge amounts of stress. Anyone have any advice? I don't know what I was looking for but I felt I needed to get this off my chest.

Also the second year we were together he told me to stop taking my pill to have a baby, which I refused because I felt it was too soon and not ideal. He also told me one winter he wished I was pregnant so he could tell his parents he had to look after me.

I'm sorry it's long but my head is all over the place.

OP posts:

Rejectedwoman · 19/09/2017 14:21

So where are his kids and wife while you are there visiting and he is helping you relax ?

Penguins333 · 19/09/2017 14:21

You sound really out of your depth OP. I would be allergic to a situation like this. Also he isn't your boyfriend - he is someone elses husband. I think this sounds like jeremy kyle but more tragic. And i think you should be concerned for your safety. I would not have a relationship or a baby with this guy but if you want to - seems like you do from your posts - then crack on and good luck!!! Also being serious - are you sure there is only one other wife and children? How do you know there isn't more?

Penguins333 · 19/09/2017 14:24

And you 'know he has been sleeping with his wife'. OK then!

Original poster

Cemkg123 · 19/09/2017 14:34

I never once said I was going to give birth to the child here, nor did o say I was going to put his name on the certificate. And neither of these things were anything I planned to do. I know full well the things that happen here, I have seen people have their kids taken off them, I will not put his name on the birth certificate, and I would not ever let him take the baby anywhere alone. Again people assuming my plans. I have spoke about this side of things with alot of people. Do not assume I am that stupid, just because I'm trying to be understanding of someone's culture, I didn't come here to be called naive, or made out to be a fool. I already feel this way. To be honest I just needed to talk about it to people who are not in the situation. But In this world I see people will always judge you and will not try to be very understanding.

OP posts:

Zaurak · 19/09/2017 14:37

No one is judging you.
Everyone is telling you to be careful.

There's a saying in Russia, "when three people tell you you are sick, go and see a doctor."

thegirlupnorth · 19/09/2017 14:37

Firstly do you want to keep the baby

You seem to so prepare for a birth in UK and as others have said please do not put him on the Birth cert.

It is probably very common in his culture for a married man to take a mistress and this is what he has done. You will probably never have the chance to be together full time and married to him.

I see no reason why you can't keep the baby and live in UK and continue to visit him in Turkey. He has been a part time daddy to his children and will be to yours. It's possible he will lead this double life and it may work well if you are accepting of it. Only spending six months a year together is the same as being married to someone in the forces so not unrealistic.

It's unconventional but not impossible. Your child has been made and will be born out of love and will have two parents who love it.

However, please be careful, don't be coerced into doing anything you don't want to and please do ensure that he isn't on the birth certificate so that your child cannot be taken from you.

The very best of luck. I hope the bleeding stops and you stay well.

Imaweeble · 19/09/2017 14:42

OP I don't think your being naive but I do think you need to think this situation through. As you have your family and friends there then can you not ask him to give you some space so you can think things through clearly.

I kinda guessed you were in Turkey and I'm sure you know as well as I do the reputation that resort Turks have. He is behaving exactly how people expect him to behave and his wife and kids will be waiting for him in his home village for the winter months, but you don't need me to tell you this as I'm sure you already know. I can remember being on holiday in Turkey and seeing the guys swear blind that they weren't married or the ones who admitted to it promising they didn't love their wives and it was an arranged marriage but believe me it's all bullshit.

Honestly cut your losses with him and get yourself well and fit to fly. I know it's easy for me to say as you have loved this man for the past 5 years but in the long run it will be better for you, your health and your baby.

Anatidae · 19/09/2017 14:43

Only spending six months a year together is the same as being married to someone in the forces so not unrealistic.

Don't do this. A few months can be long enough for a child to be deemed habitually resident in that country. If he uses that, you cannot legally take the child out of the country without the permission of parents.

Please. Op. i know women this has happened to 'oh just come and spend a few months with us, see if you like it here...'

Original poster

Cemkg123 · 19/09/2017 14:56

In my mind we are not together anymore, we are not sleeping together either. I can't do this as now I know he is married it goes against what believe is right. He comes to see me, makes sure I'm ok, sleeps and then goes to work, and that's about it. If I need something he brings it if I am unable to do it myself. My plan is and always has been, even the week before I found out he was married, was to give birth in the UK. If he wants to see the baby after it's born I will come here for a holiday but not alone. It will be with family, and he will spend time with the baby around us and no where else. That's what I have planned IF he wants to see the baby. Yes everyone tells me to run away from him, yes I've seen countless men cheating on their wives or girlfriends etc and at the beginning I didn't want to be with him funnily enough. But it happened and now I'm here. Do not think I'm loving in a fantasy world where I believe he will be with me, I have said 'Wether we are together or not' because nobody knows what's going to happen in the future. But if he wants a relationship with his child then I'm happy with that. Yes I love him, I still do. 5 years is a long time to just switch off feelings, I'm not a hateful person and I'm very forgiving as life is too short. So just because I say I understand his culture, or I'm giving him opportunities doesn't mean I think every thing is ok and what he did is fine. It is not like that and never will be. But what's the point to hate someone? It takes up more energy and stress which I do not need as I want to be able to go home soon. I know i will be judged for keeping the baby, I also know i would be judged if I didn't keep it. So either way I can't win with the world but I will do what makes myself and the baby happy.

OP posts:

SparklyMagpie · 19/09/2017 15:41

"He will never stop me leaving the country, and he is definitely not gonna steal my child because I am only 8 weeks pregnant and even though he's a liar and a cheat he would not do this"

Yet he's lied to you about his wife and 3 children

This should be a massive wake up call, for yours and your unborn babies sake, don't trust anything he says, you don't know he wouldn't take your child or cause problems.

Just be careful

GoldenOrb · 19/09/2017 15:48

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

thegirlupnorth · 19/09/2017 20:50

Ok in answer to the what would you do

I'd keep the baby

Go home

If he wanted contact I'd let him travel back to uk to see baby

That's what I'd do!

Rejectedwoman · 19/09/2017 21:24

Again as I asked earlier where are his wife and kids while he's sleeping at yours,making.sure your on and then Going to work

Mumof3wunnerfuls · 19/09/2017 21:42

My ex best friend was in this position. He is a Muslim. She met him in Tunisia whilst working as a rep.
It sounds so so similar. He became an obsessive nasty piece of work once he managed to get here and live.
He lied and thieved and was just an awful person but she couldn't see it. Not till it's too late

Please consider this mans lied to you. For all that time.
You cannot say what he would or wouldn't do as he hasn't been straight from the off!

Original poster

Cemkg123 · 19/09/2017 21:53

They are in his hometown. He works away from home for 6 months. Obviously now I see everything. Thanks everyone for the advice, I will be going home as soon as no am told I can do so. The baby will be born in the uk

OP posts:

Rejectedwoman · 19/09/2017 22:35

So he's living a double life. Probably many more like you when your not around.

Allthebestnamesareused · 20/09/2017 17:43

If he wants to see your child he should visit you not you visit him!!

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