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Original poster

Just seen something very private

35 replies

SenoritaViva · 04/08/2017 10:14

Hi

I need to do some very important financial things today on a computer so last night asked DH to leave his laptop at home today, my 19 year old niece who lives with us said 'you can use mine'. Fast forward this AM and I couldn't see DH's computer so fetched my neice's. I've used it before, usually password protected and she has a family log on for us. Today it wasn't and up popped a Skype conversation.
I saw she'd been Skyping a friend /sexting. Poor skills on a Mac meant I couldn't shut conversation fast enough and a few words sprang out at me despite trying hard not to take it in (I suspect seeing the word drew my eyes in for a few seconds - natural I think).

She's going to know I used her computer - do I say anything or just pretend I saw nothing. I feel I have violated her privacy and would never normally pry.

On another note though DH and I are her legal guardians - should we be discussing online safety with her? She's an adult so part of me thinks just leave it but another wants to make sure she's being safe.

I am not experienced with teenagers, my children are less than 10. Do I speak to DH about it? I feel guilty for seeing it but was a genuine innocent mistake (never would've used computer if she hadn't offered it).

OP posts:
DameDiazepamTheDramaQueen · 04/08/2017 10:18

She's an adult,don't say anything and don't use someone else's computer without checking first!

BertrandRussell · 04/08/2017 10:19

Whatever you do, don't tell your DH- why would you?

She's 19 so perfectly entitled to a sex life- did you see anything which made you think she was n any danger?

Notreallyarsed · 04/08/2017 10:19

She's an adult so I'd leave it. If she was under 18 I'd say something, but it seems like normal behaviour for a 19 yo.

Original poster
SenoritaViva · 04/08/2017 10:28

Ok thanks, just checking leaving it was right.

OP posts:
user1498854363 · 04/08/2017 10:42

First timer here
As a parent to fostered teen, I would offer support and guidance around online safety esp if you are not sure if anyone else has? She is an adult but still young... you want her confident to speak to you or another if she is worried about online content

abigcupoffuckyou · 04/08/2017 10:43

Do 19 years olds have legal guardians?

picklemepopcorn · 04/08/2017 10:48

Say nothing. Have a conversation another time about internet etiquette and safety. I have conversations like that with my 21 yr old. I warn him about scams/pitfalls etc, he smirks and points out I'm basically naive and ignorant and need to up my game!

Slimthistime · 04/08/2017 11:06

she's 19 Confused

abbsisspartacus · 04/08/2017 11:08

Get her to help you teach the younger ones about online safety? More subtle approach

Original poster
SenoritaViva · 04/08/2017 12:01

Abigcupof - not officially but I didn't want to drop feed, we have other responsibilities than just aunt and uncle and she's been living with us for six months, legal guardians since she was orphaned two years ago (she stayed in her birth country to finish school).

OP posts:
CronnyRash · 04/08/2017 12:06

She is an Adult, it's fine for adults to have a sex life.

StealthPolarBear · 04/08/2017 12:09

Yes she is an adult and entitled to a sex life and I've seen nothing to suggest the op doesn't agree.
She is a young person without parents and the op is to some extent filling that role. I don't know what the answer is op - my children are small but imo you are right to care.

StealthPolarBear · 04/08/2017 12:10

In fact the ops question was how does she handle the invasion of privacy, as well as whether she should be addressing online safety.
Some people on here read what they expect to read rather than what is actually on the screen.

Original poster
SenoritaViva · 04/08/2017 12:28

Yes, that's right I totally agree she's entitled to a sex life (although she told me a month ago she is still a virgin). Her mum was very over protective in that sense and she has told me it meant that she never talked to her about sex etc. The country she grew up in generally has quite a conservative outlook and as a result I think she is quite naive in this area.

When I was chatting to her last month about it (when she revealed she was a virgin) it also came up that of course we'd be fine with her having a boyfriend over etc. She was very surprised by this!

I am not disapproving of her actions but feel I've seen something I shouldn't have and want to get the balance right of ensuring she's safe (she is an adult but young and this is likely to all be new to her), without embarrassing her.

OP posts:
Original poster
SenoritaViva · 04/08/2017 12:29

@stealthpolarbear - yes that's it, more succinct than my waffling. Thank you.

OP posts:
CronnyRash · 04/08/2017 12:30

Ah, sorry for misunderstanding.

Original poster
SenoritaViva · 04/08/2017 12:32

@cronnyrash - no problem, probably wasn't very clear!

OP posts:
CronnyRash · 04/08/2017 12:33

I think you should let her know you've accidently seen it, but are okay with it, have a talk about online saftey.

Donttouchthethings · 04/08/2017 12:35

I would keep quiet and continue to support her as you are doing. It sounds like she might benefit from some friendly, ongoing guidance and support.

Original poster
SenoritaViva · 04/08/2017 12:40

I am thinking I might need to as well. Not least because on reflection it wouldn't be appropriate for my kids to see. At the very least it should be password protected.

I want to make sure she's not posting photos that she'd regret later and that whatever she's doing / saying she's comfortable with. If sex is new to her I need to make sure she has the confidence to say no that isn't for me (she can lack confidence in other areas in her life and is often overly accommodating).

Do you think that's fair?

Interestingly this week she was asking me how you know if you should be with someone. I told her about DH and I but also said I fully expected her to have quite a few experiences before meeting The right person and that was all good. She's obviously thinking about things and I hadn't picked up in it too much.

OP posts:
Dawnedlightly · 04/08/2017 12:41

That's quite a change from being a virgin a few months back to sexting something that made your eyes pop.
Don't tell your DH, but do tell her you used her computer and what you saw. Explain that she's not in trouble but that you're worried she getting in out of her depth or doing things she's uncomfortable about.

LML83 · 04/08/2017 12:46

You are right to make sure she is being safe.

If she is a savvy girl I would leave it. But if you are in any doubt I would have a separate conversation about internet safety without mentioning what you saw as she would feel embarrassed even say it's your children you are worried about. I already am worried about my 7 year old having Internet access, phones, bullying etc. And later I will be thinking about social media sexting etc.

LorLorr2 · 04/08/2017 12:56

At schools here in the UK they're taught about online safety and things so by age 19 you definitely know the drill. Do you have any idea if schools did the same where she grew up? You could ask her that as an opening to the conversation so that if she says she wasn't taught about it you can run by her the basics (not giving your details to strangers, not sending nude photos with her face included etc). To be honest though I would trust that she knows what she's doing. It's a bit icky for you when it's your niece but sexting is pretty common!

Original poster
SenoritaViva · 04/08/2017 13:04

@lorlorr2. Thanks, good point, I don't know how much they're taught, good way of checking.

I'm not concerned about sexting. I am mildly concerned about not being able to say 'I'm seeing so and so' as I hope that doesn't mean she's being used (it is possible in this scenario).

She is definitely not savvy!

The family she lived with whilst finishing school, whilst lovely, had very different views from us (no sex before marriage etc) so my opinions and frankness is very new to her. I don't want such an extreme change to have a negative effect on her!

OP posts:
Littlechocola · 04/08/2017 13:10

It sounds like you have a nice relationship. Maybe just be honest and say, 'I'm so sorry but when using your laptop something popped up. I didn't want you think I was snooping but I'm here if you need me'.