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Original poster

Caught snooping please help

32 replies

Luckymummy23girls · 01/08/2017 07:57

Hi, sorry this is a long one. I've just had a baby & feeling really insecure & down about myself I've no idea why my life has been great & happy up until now. To put you in the picture a few years ago not long after I found out I was pregnant with my second daughter I felt something was off in the relationship he was distant etc. Anyway one day I went to lift my other Halfs laptop & discovered he had been talking to women on sex sites, dating sites my instincts were right I threw him out then. Shortly after we split & he went on to have a girlfriend for 2 years. I continued to be friendly for my daughters sake & eventually they split he went through a tough time emotionally but I helped him through & we got back together had a great years together & had a new baby & never snooped once.
However I was looking for a site where I had saw a baby jacket a few days earlier & noticed that his ex girlfriends Facebook was in the history that set off all kinds of memories I cried didn't say anything but later something so stupid like him adding a girl on Facebook I didn't know made me delete her which is something I would never do. Anyway he found about it I told him it was because I was feeling so insecure & unattractive. He didn't speak to me for days but forgave me I said I wouldn't snoop again. I eventually told him it was because I saw his ex's Facebook & he said he hadn't been on it but to be honest I think he was just having a nosey & was all innocent because she is crazy.
However I have snooped again (I know I asked for it) Still feeling insecure & unattractive things in the bedroom were great until recently he couldn't perform a couple times which is strange for us. I thought it was me that was the problem so went snooping again & in his emails was a transaction for an adult website for live sex chats etc. I confronted him but he went mad & denied it saying why would he pay for it when you can get feee porn. But he knows everything I snooped on & has left for a few days. He says I don't trust him but the thing is I honestly do he has never cheated & I know he never would. It's not him it's me that's the problem but he won't believe me. He thinks I'm a physco & that it's just me I'm messed up & I don't blame him. I'm not sure if I didn't really get over what happened years ago & the sheer image of seeing his ex has ignited a flame from inside me. Question is how do I rebuild his trust after this I'm scared he won't come back. I'm driving myself crazy crying etc. It doesn't help all these hormones after having a baby all I've been doing is trying to make him happy& trying to improve myself so I don't let myself go. He has reassured me many times I don't need to change myself that he lives me. So why do I keep doing this? Am I really a physco? I just want my little family back I have 3 daughters all under 8 years old. I would really appreciate your help thanks

OP posts:
InvisableLobstee · 01/08/2017 08:03

This guy can't be trusted. Every time you "snooped" you found something. He denies it and calls you names but you were right. Tell him the reason you can never trust him is because he is a lying scumbag and kick him out for good.

JigglyTuff · 01/08/2017 08:04

What do you mean 'he's never cheated'?!

He's cheated on you repeatedly Confused

TheCrowFromBelow · 01/08/2017 08:04

You're not a psycho and you're better off without him.

JigglyTuff · 01/08/2017 08:05

He's a gas lighting serial cheat. He won't change. Leave the relationship because the rest of your life is going to be like this and its a miserable way to live.

Gazelda · 01/08/2017 08:07

He's not good enough for you. He's cheated. He uses sex lines and more.

Talk to people in RL and get them to help you be strong enough not to take him back.

MarthasHarbour · 01/08/2017 08:07

The problem is not your snooping, the problem is his cheating.

Flowers
fuckthis12 · 01/08/2017 08:09

This has got nothing to do with you, he's the problem here and he's a BIG problem
Keep your head up, pack his bags, show your kids how good a mum you can be without a cheating prick as mummy's oh
This is no way to live.....you're totally mind fuvking yourself xx

juneau · 01/08/2017 08:11

He is gas lighting you. You are discovering things on his computer and he's denying that they're there - making you think you're crazy. And he's doing a good job too isn't he, because you're now convinced that he's a great guy who would never cheat .... except at the start of your post you detailed how he DID cheat and actually left you for another woman for 2 years.

OP he's not a nice guy. He's not only a cheat, but he's a liar and a gas lighter too. Please open your eyes. This relationship will do you nothing but harm. Look at the way you're tying yourself in knots now because he's left for a few days! You're well rid of him. I'd end it right now. I know you won't, because you're still under his thrall, but one day you'll see him clearly - as clearly as anyone else can right now by reading your post.

FluffyWhiteTowels · 01/08/2017 08:13

Do you really want to live your life feeling as you do now? How would you feel if you read this about one of your daughter's lives? Would you be happy she was living with such a prize prick?

Be strong for yourself and your DC. You are not happy. Please stop trying to pretend you are. Yes you are probably very scared of the unknown.

Tell MN your fears and we'll all try and help you and stay positive for you while you find your inner strength. Take care.

Original poster
Luckymummy23girls · 01/08/2017 08:20

I know what you are all saying but honestly he has never physically cheated on me. He said in the past he only spoke to women it was harmless was just someone to speak to as a way out when he couldn't speak to me about problems we were having.
This time though he has never even looked at another woman. The times I have snooped I never found anything it was all innocent. It was only this transaction for the adult website. I think he he has set me up to be honest. He had a feeling I would snoop again & he said he had a feeling the night before because I was on & out of bed kept coming into the living room to see when he would be coming to bed as he was watching movies. & he was right.
I have been with him for years he is my girls father & my best friend. What if it all has been harmless & ive over reacted?
He went through counselling the last time to work through all this. That is why I took him back. I'm beginning to think it's me that needs the counselling. X

OP posts:
Oliversmumsarmy · 01/08/2017 08:39

If he isn't doing anything why are you finding stuff.

he went on to have a girlfriend for 2 years

So he had a gf for 2 years and they never got past the holding hands stage!!

Like other posters above. He is doing a number on you and he has you believing you are the problem.

Agree with others. Dump and run.
You can still be civil with him and friends if that is what you want and the dc can still see him but he is lying to you. You deserve someone who loves you and when you go on the computer you won't find adult dating sites and sex sites and you deserve someone who doesn't make you feel like you are going crazy

Original poster
Luckymummy23girls · 01/08/2017 08:51

Oliversmumsarmy, I know what your saying but I'm just not sure what to think.

What if it is all innocent & he's not hiding anything this time. What if this is just simply a porn site where you just pay a one off payment to use it & didn't want to say anything to me just incase it started s lot of hassle that wasn't needed or was too embarrassed? Surely porn is just innocent enough? If that's all it is then I wouldn't mind as I know a lot of men look at it.
X

OP posts:
Original poster
Luckymummy23girls · 01/08/2017 08:52

It was in his trash folder of his emails xx

OP posts:
Farmerswife4life1984 · 01/08/2017 08:55

He has cheated and you don't trust him ! If you did trust him you wouldn't snoop ! He sounds a right sleaze to be honest

Original poster
Luckymummy23girls · 01/08/2017 08:57

But is talking to other women on sites in the past classes as cheating? Xx

OP posts:
BlueUggs · 01/08/2017 09:00

He's making you doubt yourself and your self worth.
If he can't do it in front of you, then it's underhand and cheating. Emotional cheating is just as horrible as physical cheating.
You don't trust him and this makes you snoop to find the evidence. This way madness lies.
Get rid of him.

SamanthaBrique · 01/08/2017 09:04

Jeez OP, stop making excuses for him and find some respect for yourself. He's cheated sand now he's gaslighting you. Is that the sort of man you want in your life and you'r children's life?

Oliversmumsarmy · 01/08/2017 09:15

What if it is all innocent & he's not hiding anything this time. What if this is just simply a porn site where you just pay a one off payment to use it

Sorry but "innocent" is not what you would describe going onto porn sites as.

For me spending money on porn sites would be a definite no. If that is what he is into then he can be into it I'm his own place.

Your children are still young. What happens when they go searching for stuff on the computer and come across these sites.

For me (he might not look it yet) but it strikes me all too much of the beginnings of becoming a dirty old man. Dating websites, porn sites, other women. Then trying to tell you that it is all in your head.

fuckthis12 · 01/08/2017 09:16

At the end of the day there's no trust therefore no relationship.....whether you want to believe he's been "cheating" is up to you but life shouldn't have to be this difficult....you need to break your addiction with him and work on your own self worth xx

InvisableLobstee · 01/08/2017 10:20

If he was a good man he wouldn't set you up he would say, I know what happened before might make you worry but I've got nothing to hide so look at my computer any time you like.

Farmerswife4life1984 · 01/08/2017 11:39

For god sake STOP making excuses for him and find someone worthwhile if you and your daughters love . He is an out and out cheat and is abusing you xx

MelinaMercury · 01/08/2017 11:54

People don't join sex or dating sites to find someone to talk to, if you hadn't caught him out do you really think he would've come clean, stopped visiting or chatting (and most likely arranging to meet up with) random women?

Facebook profiles don't magically appear, you have to search them out and regardless of the reason (nothing to do with her "being crazy" Hmm ) he knew this was a sore point for you and that of find it could hurt you emotionally and he didn't seem to care.

It's interesting that he tells you you're a "psycho" and blames your insecurities when he gets caught out, he wants you to think it's all your fault so that he can carry on doing what he wants knowing that you'll be there when he wants you.

Cheating doesn't have to be physical, the minute he has to hide a conversation with a woman he's on dodgy territory.

letsmargaritatime · 01/08/2017 17:32

Have you posted before op? I recognise the way you write. You sound vulnerable and your partner should be cutting you a lot of slack at the moment. He is the one in the wrong for using those sites, certainly most women would consider this a form of cheating! He should be apologising to you not blaming you for following your (correct) instincts. Do you have rl support?

Original poster
Luckymummy23girls · 01/08/2017 22:34

Sorry I've been out all day. I appreciate everyone's opinion I'm just so confused right now. I'm not sure what's happening today it was like he was laughing & joking with me & the kids after not speaking yesterday.
Yes I am very vulnerable & very low self esteem I worry about everyone thinks. I don't know what to think right now. I'm seeing a counsellor to see if o can sort my head out. The anxiety is driving me mad xx

OP posts:
Original poster
Luckymummy23girls · 01/08/2017 22:46

Letsmargaritatime sorry I haven't posted before this in fact my very first post. It took me all my guts to write. Thank you for your support though & to everyone. Xx

OP posts:
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