Caught snooping please help

[Luckymummy23girls]

Hi, sorry this is a long one. I've just had a baby & feeling really insecure & down about myself I've no idea why my life has been great & happy up until now. To put you in the picture a few years ago not long after I found out I was pregnant with my second daughter I felt something was off in the relationship he was distant etc. Anyway one day I went to lift my other Halfs laptop & discovered he had been talking to women on sex sites, dating sites my instincts were right I threw him out then. Shortly after we split & he went on to have a girlfriend for 2 years. I continued to be friendly for my daughters sake & eventually they split he went through a tough time emotionally but I helped him through & we got back together had a great years together & had a new baby & never snooped once.
However I was looking for a site where I had saw a baby jacket a few days earlier & noticed that his ex girlfriends Facebook was in the history that set off all kinds of memories I cried didn't say anything but later something so stupid like him adding a girl on Facebook I didn't know made me delete her which is something I would never do. Anyway he found about it I told him it was because I was feeling so insecure & unattractive. He didn't speak to me for days but forgave me I said I wouldn't snoop again. I eventually told him it was because I saw his ex's Facebook & he said he hadn't been on it but to be honest I think he was just having a nosey & was all innocent because she is crazy.
However I have snooped again (I know I asked for it) Still feeling insecure & unattractive things in the bedroom were great until recently he couldn't perform a couple times which is strange for us. I thought it was me that was the problem so went snooping again & in his emails was a transaction for an adult website for live sex chats etc. I confronted him but he went mad & denied it saying why would he pay for it when you can get feee porn. But he knows everything I snooped on & has left for a few days. He says I don't trust him but the thing is I honestly do he has never cheated & I know he never would. It's not him it's me that's the problem but he won't believe me. He thinks I'm a physco & that it's just me I'm messed up & I don't blame him. I'm not sure if I didn't really get over what happened years ago & the sheer image of seeing his ex has ignited a flame from inside me. Question is how do I rebuild his trust after this I'm scared he won't come back. I'm driving myself crazy crying etc. It doesn't help all these hormones after having a baby all I've been doing is trying to make him happy& trying to improve myself so I don't let myself go. He has reassured me many times I don't need to change myself that he lives me. So why do I keep doing this? Am I really a physco? I just want my little family back I have 3 daughters all under 8 years old. I would really appreciate your help thanks

As another poster said, every time you 'snoop' you find something

I nearly smiled that his defense is ''why would I pay for porn when I can get it for free''. That's his defense! I would just go off this guy OP. Instead of trying so hard to stay in good shape for him, try and see him for the loser he is. He is no prize. He is no catch. He comes and goes and is on sex sites and the bottom line is you're not happy. The 'relationship' is making you feel insecure and unattractive. Instead of making you feel secure, he is telling you that you're a psycho. Lovely..........

OP, I used to have a very low self-esteem but it has repaired itself. One thing I found helpful was to think of somebody you know, a woman, not necessarily somebody beautiful because that's not the point, but a confident, secure, happy woman who would never tolerate being treated like this. Can you think of somebody like that? You can become that woman. Not overnight but you can become her.

I know you have said he hasn't physically cheated but another way to look at it is: if he found out you were searched ex partners on FB and engaging in sex lines/chats with other men would he be ok with that?
In any case, rather than supporting you and working to ensure you feel secure and happy it sounds like you've been made to feel even more worried. You deserve better than that OP, you're worth a hell of a lot more

Aw thank you you are all so very kind you have brought tears to my eyes. I know reading it on paper it does sound terrible & ive been thinking about it all day the fact he's never even mentioned the site that I saw the transaction for. The anxiety is eating me alive. This is not me my head is all messed up. I've just had a baby & im supposed to be trying to avoid any added stress that could result in baby blues as I've had it with my previous girls. I'm determined not to go bk down that road. I really wish I could be that strong woman you speak of but if you saw me you would never think that. I guess I must be somewhat strong though cse I was on my own with my first daughter & when my middle daughter was born we were on our own for 2 years. This is so hard every time we look at each other's eyes you can still see all the feelings behind them that we have for each other. It's my girls I feel it for I want the family I dreamt of for them. I wish I knew what to do in just not strong enough yet to deal with all this. X

Family is what you make it. It doesn't have to be 2 parents and children all living together, it can just be you and the dc and your exdh who sees his dc when ever.

A relationship without trust is doomed. You can try to cover up the cracks but you clearly do not trust him.

and with good reason. Being on these sites and seeking out FB profiles are ways of detaching from the relationship. He is not trustworthy.