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Original poster

when visiting a richer relative

32 replies

cattycatty · 20/07/2017 16:40

I have name changed because I don´t want to run the risk of being identified.

I have a relative who I am very close to, although you might not expect us to be close: think great aunt and great niece, that sort of thing. We are much closer in age than might be expected and have been thrown together in difficult situations by life and have a genuine friendship.

She lives in a big city. I am from this city. I currently live in a less exciting place and have a big trip up every year to catch up with old friends and to do nice things like shop and go to the cinema. I try and alternate who I stay with but this year it is this realtive´s ´´turn.She also comes to stay with me about the same amount and I try and make sure she has a nice time when she does. We are both really looking forward to this trip.

My problem is that she has far more disposable income than me. When I come up, she likes to go out for meals, shopping, maybe a night out. I can´t afford all of it. I have told her this, and the situation has been made easier in recent years as I have had alittle bit of money to play with so have tried to do my bit (think pay for lunch and she pays for dinner). I always make it clear that I would like to eat at her home and would cook if she likes (I am a good cook and she likes it).

This time however, I haven´t been working for a while due to personal circumstances and the meals out (which are the real problem for me) are going to be very difficult for me both in terms of trying to pay my bit and in terms of my embarassment.

I feel awful that it is so unequal and squirm inside each time she suggests going out or pays. I also know that she likes to go out with me and likes to treat me. I feel that anyone would get fed up of such a situation though and I value our relationship too much to have her get fed up with me over it.

I told her up front when we discussed the details of the trip that I was short of money. A couple of days later she messaged me to say she had booked tickets for something we had discussed in the past . It´s really nice of her but I already feel like I am one down.

So, what should I do:

Stop going until I can afford it
Say again that I can´t afford to keep up (which would cut down on her fun but not her bank account)
fork out and eat into money I can´t really afford to spend

I feel I just can´t leave it and carry on. I feel so embarrassed.

Or something else?

OP posts:

PovertyJetset · 20/07/2017 16:43

Well if it's her treat why can't you accept that?

Original poster

cattycatty · 20/07/2017 16:45

Well I suppose I have done but it happens over and over again and I am afraid of alienating her.

OP posts:

rollonthesummer · 20/07/2017 16:46

Say 'that is lovely thank you. I do appreciate it. I really need you to understand thought that I am not working at the moment and things are very tight so I won't be able to eat out whilst you are down. I thought I could cook you a nice dinner on Saturday night though and will make a picnic for us on Monday etc'

Spell it out very clearly now, then there will be no awkwardness.

BertrandRussell · 20/07/2017 16:47

Just accept the treat graciously. And send her a lovely thank you letter when you get home.

PovertyJetset · 20/07/2017 16:47

Just tell her straight and see what she says?

"I can't afford meals and what not out and about this time. Sorry"

She might say- I know that I would like this to be my treat!

clearsommespace · 20/07/2017 16:51

I'm sure she wouldn't keep suggesting if she doesn't want to keep paying.

IfYouGoDownToTheWoodsToday · 20/07/2017 16:51

I would send her rollon message.

She may come back and say "my treats, I like treating you, please don't feel awkward"

Or she may say "I understand, I'd love you to cook for me".

Whatever her reply is, just accept it.

Original poster

cattycatty · 20/07/2017 16:54

Ok. I will just be direct and grateful.

I really wanted to check if I was being completely unreasonable going and accepting these treats.

OP posts:

BurningBright · 20/07/2017 16:56

So tell her that. That you are there for her company, not the treats. That you don't want to alienate her or for her to feel that you are freeloading. Tell her your concerns.

Imagine the situation in reverse. If you were the one with the greater disposable income and you chose to spend some of that on the other person would you feel alienated by the fact that they could not 'keep up' financially? Or would you take pleasure in being able to treat your relative?

MyPepper · 20/07/2017 16:57

I would be grateful I think you have it very clear to her what you can and can't do.
If she has more disposable income than your u, she mightbwell be very happy to pay for you just for her pleasure of having a very good friend there and having a meal with her.

clearsommespace · 20/07/2017 16:58

When we stay with my brother we eat out alot because they prefer not to cook every day and can afford it. It's hard to even pay for one meal witthout fighting over the bill! When they stay with us we host without holding back on the wine and food luxuries (Live in France) as taking them out would be beyond our budget. We host my other sibling in the same fashion (even though meals are far more basic at their place) and I don't feel put upon. We all have different amounts of disposable income.

clearsommespace · 20/07/2017 17:00

This kind of thing really shouldn't get in the way of enjoyingredients family and friends company!

cattycatty · 20/07/2017 17:03

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

timeismovingon · 20/07/2017 17:05

Is she very sociable? Does she live on her own? Maybe she likes to go out as she doesn't get the opportunity very much? How about you offer to pay for desert or the wine as a contribution?

Original poster

cattycatty · 20/07/2017 17:07

I have asked for that post to be taken down as it could out me. Silly me.

OP posts:

ZenNudist · 20/07/2017 17:09

If you have a good relationship and sge is aware you cant afford it then you have to accrpt her treat witb grace. She probably just wants to have fun with you.

Perhaps you coukd say that as she knows you really cant afford trips out and treats at the moment and youd like to spoil her so itd not so onesided and yku feel like yiure imposing so shr must let you buy and cook her a mesl at home whildt you visit. Or rrsearch and suggest free/ cheap things. That way you do equal amounts of things her / expensive way and your / cheap way.

GreenTulips · 20/07/2017 17:10

I would message that you're broke and you really appreciate the gesture of kindness and when you are better off financially you will happily return the thought

Buy wine - offer to buy at least one drink accept the tickets graciously - be thankful and promise to be a better guest next time

Help round the house - make her tea in bed

Original poster

cattycatty · 20/07/2017 17:11

She doesn´t go out as much as she would like to. She just gets bogged down in things as we all do.

OP posts:

ShotsFired · 20/07/2017 17:15

I think pp suggestion of a accepting and then following up with a lovely and heartfelt thank you letter or card is a great solution. Maybe even a nice framed pic if you both during the trip?

Imagine how pleased you'd feel if someone sent you such a thing, it's be wonderful to receive from a loved one, as a memento of your time together.

You can reciprocate another time.

QuimReaper · 20/07/2017 17:16

Just let her treat you and do other things. Take a bottle of wine and a bunch of flowers; get up early, pop out for some lovely breakfast things one morning and have it ready for when she gets up; bake a cake maybe; write a lovely thank you card afterwards. All cheap but will make it more equitable.

FWIW I think it's a bit unfair to insist on paying for multiple meals out. Tickets etc. are much better because it's a fait accompli, but with meals out you're always confronted with payment. If I were her (and if I had money I would be, I love treating people) I'd insist on one meal out, my treat etc. agreed in advance, and then maybe also insist on getting in a takeaway, and let you cook a third night. How long are you staying?

QuimReaper · 20/07/2017 17:17

A bit unfair of her I should say!

Original poster

cattycatty · 20/07/2017 17:21

Six days

OP posts:

RunRabbitRunRabbit · 20/07/2017 17:28

I'd let her know how it makes you feel: embarrassed and like you are taking advantage even though she is being incredibly kind.

She wants you to feel happy, if she understands that her generosity is having the opposite effect she will likely modify her behaviour. Your feelings about this are not at all unusual but she might not have thought about it in that way before.

becausebecausebecause · 20/07/2017 17:28

If it's a big trip to the same city each year, you really ought to have saved cash to go by then. I know it's nice to let the better off aunt treat you but I too would feel mortified at having to stay home and cook when she wanted to show you the sights/new restaurants/theatre shows etc.

Original poster

cattycatty · 20/07/2017 17:30

I do have a bit saved.

OP posts:

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