when visiting a richer relative

[cattycatty]

I have name changed because I don´t want to run the risk of being identified.

I have a relative who I am very close to, although you might not expect us to be close: think great aunt and great niece, that sort of thing. We are much closer in age than might be expected and have been thrown together in difficult situations by life and have a genuine friendship.

She lives in a big city. I am from this city. I currently live in a less exciting place and have a big trip up every year to catch up with old friends and to do nice things like shop and go to the cinema. I try and alternate who I stay with but this year it is this realtive´s ´´turn.She also comes to stay with me about the same amount and I try and make sure she has a nice time when she does. We are both really looking forward to this trip.

My problem is that she has far more disposable income than me. When I come up, she likes to go out for meals, shopping, maybe a night out. I can´t afford all of it. I have told her this, and the situation has been made easier in recent years as I have had alittle bit of money to play with so have tried to do my bit (think pay for lunch and she pays for dinner). I always make it clear that I would like to eat at her home and would cook if she likes (I am a good cook and she likes it).

This time however, I haven´t been working for a while due to personal circumstances and the meals out (which are the real problem for me) are going to be very difficult for me both in terms of trying to pay my bit and in terms of my embarassment.

I feel awful that it is so unequal and squirm inside each time she suggests going out or pays. I also know that she likes to go out with me and likes to treat me. I feel that anyone would get fed up of such a situation though and I value our relationship too much to have her get fed up with me over it.

I told her up front when we discussed the details of the trip that I was short of money. A couple of days later she messaged me to say she had booked tickets for something we had discussed in the past . It´s really nice of her but I already feel like I am one down.

So, what should I do:

• Stop going until I can afford it
• Say again that I can´t afford to keep up (which would cut down on her fun but not her bank account)
• fork out and eat into money I can´t really afford to spend

I feel I just can´t leave it and carry on. I feel so embarrassed.

Or something else?

Ah so sorry op, just saw that you have been unable to work (therefor save) for a while. In that case, go and accept your relative's kind hospitality and repay it in kind with some small token personal to her later.

As long as you are clear upfront I don't see an issue. I treat my sister to things and I really like to do so - it's a treat for me too.

Maybe think of some fun things to do that are not expensive - exhibitions etc ?

In my experience richer relatives don;t mind treating you if you don't take then for granted and are up front about it.

If she then insists, accept graciously and enjoy it, and thank her properly.

W are often in opposite place. Our parents and siblings are worse off than us. We pay for everything and are delighted to be able to do so. It is nice when someone offers to pay for coffee or brings a bottle of wine but we're not offended if they don't. If we offer to pay, we do so willingly and without judging others situation. Accept and enjoy.

I realise the detail about where I live might make it look like I live a very glamorous life. It is really a tricky personal situation that is impoverishing us greatly!

We are the 'richer relative' and have no problems treating guests. However I must admit I do appreciate a little gesture of thanks. That sounds awful but I think it's true. One relative of DH has visited us a lot and is skint. We love to treat her as she is a wonderful person and I'm sure she enjoys it too. She shows her thanks by being a nice i.e. mucking in with household stuff if need be and by occasionally insisting on buying a round of drinks or ice-creams. It's just a little gesture but it means a lot. I'm sure if the tables were turned she would happily treat us. I think I might find thank you cards a bit formal though. A thank you as you leave and the odd treat is plenty.

Unfortunately DH has other relatives that literally treat our house like a hotel and never do anything or contribute anything. Last time his brother was over and it was just him and I in the house as DH was out for the evening, BIL suggested a takeaway and ordered quite pricey food. When the doorbell went he called me to pay for it. Cheeky fucker. 😡 We are much better off than him but it's the expectation that annoys me.

I had this with my sister. We really never spoke directly about it but it was 'understood' that if it was something I could afford I'd prefer to pay my share. If it was something I could not afford but she really wanted us to do, she'd pay for me no strings attached. It worked pretty well for us. She would try to tailor the things we did together to things I could afford or could at least contribute a good deal to but occasionally a concert or play would crop up that was waaayyy out of my reach. So she'd pay for me to attend and I'd buy her a glass of wine or some such.