Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Chat

Join the discussion and chat with other Mumsnetters about everyday life, relationships and parenting.

Original poster

I've stressed out the bride

45 replies

user1498170313 · 22/06/2017 23:36

My friend is getting married soon. I'm a bridesmaid and have helped the bride organise her wedding. Ive spent quite a lot of money on her wedding, and I've made lots of things to help her out. I'm very creative, so making centrepieces, bouquets etc etc is how I help people out. Anyway, I've surprised the bride with lots of decorations this week and have been in contact a lot to see if there's anything else I can do.
However, I've just received a message from a family member telling me that I'm stressing her out. I feel very upset about this, and feel like I shouldn't contact her again regarding the wedding. I did notice that the bride didn't say much when I surprised her with some wedding bits. She just commented on how pretty they were.
Should I leave all the bits I've made at home? I don't feel like I want to take them now, in case it upsets her more. I don't even want to go the pre-wedding meal because her family are obviously annoyed with me.

OP posts:
Scrowy · 22/06/2017 23:41

What kind of decorations? Sounds like you have taken over a bit from what you have written. I'm sure what you have made is lovely but perhaps it does isn't what she had in mind and now she feels she has no choice after you have gone to the effort.

squirreltrap · 22/06/2017 23:42

Maybe she doesn't like your bits?

Know that is harsh but there will be an expectation to use them even if she doesn't like them. I'm not sure weddings are a time to do 'surprises'

Sorry

Floralnomad · 22/06/2017 23:43

Unless you've been asked to do stuff don't do it , it may be well meaning but this is her wedding not yours and she probably has her own ideas on what she did / didn't want .

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about this subject:

Weddings
PatriciaHolm · 22/06/2017 23:44

Did she ask for this stuff? If not it sounds as if you've got rather carried away. It's not your wedding to be being all creative about.

KingJoffreysRestingCuntface · 22/06/2017 23:45

Surprises are a gamble though, aren't they?

Does a wedding need 'bits'?

You're taking over. Sounds like you're forcing this stuff onto her a bit.

popalittlepancakeintothepan · 22/06/2017 23:47

They're candle holders. I showed her some several months ago that I'd made in the past and she said she loved them and would like some for her wedding. So I know she does (or did) like them. I guess she's changed her mind. That's ok, I just don't know what to do about it now. I don't want to contact her again to say I'll leave them at home.

Quadrangle · 22/06/2017 23:52

Maybe don't contact her for a bit and see if she contacts you. I feel for you as you were being kind, but weddings are stressful times, so let her lead with what she wants from now on.

popalittlepancakeintothepan · 22/06/2017 23:53

I think I can get out of the meal, but then I risk upsetting her more. She asked me to make decorations, bouquets, provide the car etc. I've done it and now she's stressed. Now I'm stressed and hating myself. Of course I'm still going to go, but I really don't want to be there because I feel like a bad friend.

KimchiLaLa · 22/06/2017 23:57

Did you keep messaging her? One of my friends means well but when it's a bday etc she gets a little obsessive and messages all family of the person with lots of little requests and asks and always spends a lot of money (and asks us to as well). It ends up annoying people. Did you do any of this?

popalittlepancakeintothepan · 23/06/2017 00:04

I imagine I must have. Sad

Mwnci123 · 23/06/2017 00:04

I think brides are prone to getting stressed, so don't take it too personally or be hard on yourself. It sounds like you are being really generous and kind, but that maybe she needs a bit of space and to feel that she's in control of things still. I'm sure it will be fine, and really her family probably don't care all that much!

Beelzebop · 23/06/2017 00:07

Maybe she's really nervous and that was just what brought reality to smack her in the face that she is actually getting married. Any problems at all that you know of?

Allthebestnamesareused · 23/06/2017 00:09

Maybe she was being polite at the time.

Now she is stressed thinking that she has to use the candle holders she didn't even like/want. Now she has to spend another X getting candles that she hadn't expected to have to get. Maybe you haven't quite used the correct colour. Maybe they are too fussy for her taste or too plain or she has candelabra's on order instead.

Maybe the venue has told her no candles. Many do not allow them because they are fire hazards!

Maybe she is stressing that if she doesn't use them you'll be pissed off!

Never give decorations unless specifically asked for and agreed in detail. Her wedding will have been in her head for months.

I think you phone and apologise and say she doesn't have to use them if she doesn't want to but don't lay any guilt trip on her.

ScarletSienna · 23/06/2017 00:10

She asked you to make and organise a lot so it's surprising she hasn't been in contact. I think maybe the extras you did were maybe not to her taste but as she has asked you for so much else she may feel bad about that and therefore stressed.

Allthebestnamesareused · 23/06/2017 00:10

why did autocorrect put an apostrophe in candleabras?

SomeOtherFuckers · 23/06/2017 00:12

Sounds like you've taken over tbh

HeddaGarbled · 23/06/2017 00:15

Oh dear. This is a bit of a shame and I understand how you feel but this is resolvable if you can all be mature.

Are you friendly enough to phone the family member? My advice would be to say something like, oh no, I didn't mean to stress her out, what's the problem and what should I do now? If you don't feel you can phone her, maybe text that. Perhaps this family member could give you advice about which if any of your bits to take or not.

I think not going to the pre wedding meal would be a big mistake. You're a bridesmaid and that would be a very dramatic statement to not go. Can you see how that would be very upsetting for your friend when this is her big occasion and everyone should be making sure it all goes smoothly for her? You need to put your understandably slightly hurt feelings aside for her sake on this occasion.

As PPs have suggested, maybe you've been a little over enthusiastic with the surprises. Your friend's gentle reaction shows that she knows that you meant well and that she values your friendship enough to not want to upset you.

You now need to show her the same care and consideration. This is her wedding. Don't spoil it. Go to her pre wedding meal, don't worry too much about your bits, be there for your friend on her big day.

MrsOverTheRoad · 23/06/2017 00:15

OP are the things you've made honestly of the same quality as the ones which inspired her? Or if you really remove yourself, could they be a little amateur looking?

That's all I can think it could be.

utterchaos · 23/06/2017 00:15

What exactly did the family member say? Are you sure the bride thinks the same thing they do?

popalittlepancakeintothepan · 23/06/2017 00:18

They're the right colour and I bought the candles (battery operated, as per venue rules), so no cost to her. Maybe they're just not what she wanted.

I just feel a bit tearful because the irrational side of me now feels like I'm hated. I've also now got to explain to my mum and husband why they're not being used. They've been looking after my LO while I've been creating. So it's a little embarrassing if I'm honest! Plus my husband's already unhappy about me buying things to make them.

When I said the wedding was soon, I meant as in a matter of days... I've got to face everyone tomorrow...

ScarletSienna · 23/06/2017 00:21

Has she taken all the things that she asked you to make?

popalittlepancakeintothepan · 23/06/2017 00:22

I'm travelling down tomorrow. She's only seen photos.

CremeFresh · 23/06/2017 00:23

Op did you realise you have changed your name ? Just in case you wanted to be incognito.

popalittlepancakeintothepan · 23/06/2017 00:24

This is my first ever post on here. Not sure what I'm doing!

TheDevilMadeMeDoIt · 23/06/2017 00:25

There's only one way out of this - you have to talk to her. With the emphasis on talk and her. Not by text, not through a relative.
Tell her you're sorry to hear you've made things stressful for her and that you didn't mean to. Let her take it from there.

Please create an account

To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.

Join Mumsnet Log In

This thread is closed and is no longer accepting replies. Click here to start a new thread.