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Original poster

Should I say something?

34 replies

Abitcomplex · 18/05/2017 19:34

What would you do?

Don't know where to go with this, so please bear with me?
Before we start, I must stress that this is all my fault, I'm just asking for advice.

Back story: A few years ago, we became friendly with another couple, Jon and Fran (not their real names).

Dh already knew Jon through work, and I'd met him once or twice, before Jon met Fran.

We hit it off with Fran, so we went out as a foursome a few times, and with other friends also.

A couple of years passed when a couple of tragedies took place.
Fran's Dad passed away. I only met him once as he was severely disabled, virtually bedbound, and needed 24hr care.

Anyway, this is where I am at fault. I let Fran down. At a time when she needed support, I wasn't there for her. I am so ashamed. Still ashamed. We didn't receive an invite to the funeral, just a notice in the paper inviting friends to the wake so as I had only met her Dad the once, I didn't think it was our place to go, so we didn't. Didn't think to send a card/flowers either, just froze. Froze. I apologised afterwards with a letter, and a phone call.

Since then, things haven't been the same with Fran and me. Although we go out as a foursome still, things are awkward between us. She won't go out with me on our own, always somebody there, like her Mum, or other friends. If I try to initiate something, she goes cold. Although we have been there for them since when their little boy died, it's still awkward.

She is ok sometimes, encouraging me to get back into sewing when I lost a lot of confidence, and buying stuff I've made, but then sits with her phone while dh and Jan are chatting away.

I don't know whether to suck it up, or say something. What would you do? I

OP posts:
Original poster
Abitcomplex · 18/05/2017 19:44

Sorry for the long post, I forgot to say that if anything bad happened to me, Fran always shuts me up when I talk about it. Dh recently told Jon I had gone NC with my parents and Jon asked me a few questions about it, and she wasn't happy. I feel I'm on eggshells sometimes.

OP posts:
Floggingmolly · 18/05/2017 19:47

You don't get an official invitation to a funeral...

Original poster
Abitcomplex · 18/05/2017 19:50

FloggingMolly, I don't mean a written invitation, just a 'you're more than welcome to come to the funeral' then I'd/we'd have gone.
When their little boy died, they verbally invited us to his funeral.

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Original poster
Abitcomplex · 18/05/2017 19:51

I meant a verbal invitation to her Dads funeral.

OP posts:
grassinpocket · 18/05/2017 20:06

Erm are you really breezing past their sons death? Confused

Original poster
Abitcomplex · 18/05/2017 20:27

Grass, I'm sorry, what do you mean, breezing past their son's death?

OP posts:
grassinpocket · 18/05/2017 20:41

In your description, you've given a good account of the elderly father you only met once and didn't go to the funeral. You've apologised etc...

But where in the timeline of events did their son die? Did you know her when she was pregnant etc?

Imho parents die, it's the natural order... friends of the parent go to the funeral, but friends of their adult children (you) sometimes go, sometimes don't.

But the death of a child? That's life changing, worst thing that can happen to a mother type event. You've given no account of your support to her during that event?

AlternativeTentacle · 18/05/2017 20:43

Did you miss out a paragraph?

carabos · 18/05/2017 20:49

So far so humdrum. Then we were there for them when ther little boy died Shock . WTAF? Why can't you see what's right there in front of you? No wonder she won't engage with you, I should think she can't stand the very sight of you. Hmm

metalmum15 · 18/05/2017 20:53

I didn't realise you even verbally invited people to funerals? I always thought they were informed by friends /family, or read the death notice in the paper, then just decided themselves if they wanted to go? No one has ever said to me "You're welcome to come to the funeral ". How long is it since her little boy died? I imagine something like that would take a very long time to come to terms with. Maybe she's just still grieving.

stitchglitched · 18/05/2017 20:58

Bit odd that your sewing warrants more detail than their child's death.

orenisthenewblack · 18/05/2017 21:01

I have never been invited to a funeral. You turn up to show your respect.

Death etiquette should be taught at school, or somewhere, cos my husband has no clue either.

RebelRogue · 18/05/2017 21:01

Think now we know why Fran is "cold"

Original poster
Abitcomplex · 18/05/2017 21:03

Their little boy died when he was just a few days old, just 2 years after her father died, so yes we were there when she was pregnant.

I wasn't trying to breeze past his death. I was trying to say we had actively shown them support, by being there for them when their little boy died. We had already let her down with her father, so wanted to make up for it, step up to the plate, offering emotional support and to cook and shop for them.

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Original poster
Abitcomplex · 18/05/2017 21:05

stictchedglitch, I'm trying to demonstrate how Fran can be cold, yet, offer support in another way.

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PurpleDaisies · 18/05/2017 21:10

I'm a bit confused about the timeline. When did these events happen?

Original poster
Abitcomplex · 18/05/2017 21:11

metal, I need to learn funeral etiquette, but they verbally invited us to their baby's funeral, but not her fathers. Yes, she is still grieving.

Her father died 5 years ago, their son 3 years ago.

I don't go to many funerals only family members/ relatives of ours, dh's and mine.

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grassinpocket · 18/05/2017 21:14

I'm going to be honest. I think a mother has lost her child. That's the biggest point here.

You and your feelings are pretty inconsequential right now

Just be there for her/them. Whatever you're feeling about sewing your life, you really have no cause for comment on your relationship.

So to answer your 'wwyd' no I wouldn't say anything!

grassinpocket · 18/05/2017 21:16

'I don't go to many funerals'

But the rest of us are professional mourners? Confused

The fathers funeral is unlikely to have anything to do with current feelings. Honestly.

ChaChaChaCh4nges · 18/05/2017 21:17

I'm genuinely horrified at how callous you are. Or perhaps it's just how you come across in your post. But OMFG, she lost her father and son, and you're pissing around with sewing and hurt feelings? Seriously?

Original poster
Abitcomplex · 18/05/2017 21:17

I mentioned their little boy in my original post, but tried to demonstrate how we've been there for them since her fathers death.
I didn't mean not to give details.

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ChaChaChaCh4nges · 18/05/2017 21:19

You mentioned it as a throw away sentence. In passing.

Fragglez · 18/05/2017 21:20

I can't quite work out what you are thinking of saying?

JumpingJellybeanz · 18/05/2017 21:23

She lost her baby. I think it's a bloody miracle she's even able to get out of bed in the mornings.

It's staggering that you want to make it all about you and are complaining that she's not all sunshine and light and won't listen to your problems.

Original poster
Abitcomplex · 18/05/2017 21:23

The sewing conversation came about when she asked ME about it. She saw my sewing machine in the corner of the kitchen, and asked. It wasn't ME who instigated the conversation. She asked me to make something for her and I did.
I haven't meant to sound callous, sorry if I gave that impression, you have given me food for thought.

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