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Original poster

What would you do if you're partner smacked your child

38 replies

WillyWonkasChocolate · 25/04/2017 21:28

Just that.
Right now DC is asleep.
I'm not excusing it it was an one off in that partner smacked once in that one occasion (as opposed to a couple of times).
I said to partner to never ever do that again and that they were a bully and being aggressive.
I'm so sad.Sad

OP posts:
Original poster
WillyWonkasChocolate · 25/04/2017 21:31

I get that once is enough.

OP posts:
Pinkandwhiteblossoms · 25/04/2017 21:32

As in, not my child's dad?

Wolfiefan · 25/04/2017 21:32

What exactly happened and how old is child?

Original poster
WillyWonkasChocolate · 25/04/2017 21:40

6 and yes is a parent.
Child has developed a form for lying and we have continually been asking for them to do something very basic and always told they have done it but hasn't really.
I've tried everything taking toys away, closing play room nothing works.
I was frustrated so called partner at work to complain.
Partner comes back from work child didn't do what has been continuously asked and so partner erupted and smacked them.
Partner has been stressed at work and we haven't been getting along. I told partner no to take out stress on child and control anger.

OP posts:
BloodWorries · 25/04/2017 21:45

I think I'd need something as a sign of commitment for partner to show it won't happen again. Maybe some them attending counseling or a anger management course or something.

I think if in your position and I knew 100% it was a complete one off, and done in the heat of the moment and isn't likely to ever happen again then, with the agreement of the above or something similar then I'd try to carry on as normal.

If partner is making excuses and minimising the whole thing then I'd be contacting the police and SS and trying to press charges as child abuse/assault of a minor.

neonrainbow · 25/04/2017 21:48

Id work with them to try and work out some strategies that will help the whole family. If it happened again or they beat the child id have to reconsider the relationship. Also that parent need to work out some strategies to manage their own stress.

Wolfiefan · 25/04/2017 21:48

Ok. That's not on.
For comparison I smacked DS's leg. It's not my usual approach but I was struggling to put shoes on an uncooperative toddler. Got one shoe on and he kicked me in the face. It fucking hurt! I smacked his leg. Well his thick jogging bottoms. Am I proud of it? No. Would I recommend anyone do that? No. It shocked and hurt me and I acted on impulse.
Blush
But lashing out at a child for lying is aggressive and sounds like huge anger issues.
What's not being done?
(I can't believe I've admitted to smacking DS on here. Please don't flame me. Blush)

Original poster
WillyWonkasChocolate · 25/04/2017 21:48

I told P that I would call police if it happened again.
Response was to go ahead and would do it again.
However I believe this was more as an ego thing as P was being challenged and didn't want to back down as opposed to actually saying would do it again.

OP posts:
Original poster
WillyWonkasChocolate · 25/04/2017 21:51

Child wasn't beaten in the sense that it was over and over again.
I'm at a total loss as what to do in terms of strategies as a family going forward.

OP posts:
BloodWorries · 25/04/2017 21:52

Sorry posted too soon.

But it also depends on your parenting beliefs (both of yours, not just one of you IYSWIM) and how you feel.

How hard was the DC hit? Where? Was DP completely out of control and give a full whack?

TBH DP and I have talked about hitting kids, not that we have any to hit or otherwise, and both firmly believe that there are some situations that children need a sharp (painful) shock to knock a point home. Lying about doing a task as asked wouldn't fit the profile of a 'smack-able' offence in our opinion. Repeatedly doing something seriously dangerous after many warnings, punishments, talking about such as trying to open a hot oven, or play with fire, or running into the road, then we both think a smack is the lesser of two evils but would be controlled... Easy for me to say though since we don't have kids of our own, and at most are part time caregivers.

Wolfiefan · 25/04/2017 21:55

What was child not doing?
When you say wasn't beaten are you saying that because they weren't hit more than once? One big wallop is enough of a beating for a child.
He said he would do it again. He's telling you what sort of man he is. Hear him and keep your child safe.
If normal parents snap and smack their child they feel massive remorse and normally resolve to find a better way.

ElinorRigby · 25/04/2017 22:06

It sounds like a combination of problems

a) partner's stress at work
b) you and partner not getting on
c) challenging behaviour by child

It's hard to know how much of it is you and your partner having genuinely underlying differences of opinion about how to get children to behave. Or how much of it is about nobody getting on with anybody.

You also sound stressed because you rang your (stressed) partner at their (stressful) job to complain about the child. Which sort of sowed the seeds for what happened later.

I am also not sure that it was helpful to suggest calling the police, There is a difference between bad parenting and assault. Smacking a child once - even if that loss of control is wrong - is not a criminal offence.

I hope that you and your partner can talk to each other more calmly and find some common ground about how to bring up your child. (Of course if they continue to think that hitting a child is a proper way to instil good behaviour, then yes - you have a partner problem as well as difficuties with the child.)

Original poster
WillyWonkasChocolate · 25/04/2017 22:24

BloodWorries
I mean this in the nicest possible way but unless you are a parent it is very hard to understand.
When we were not parents we also used to say we will do this and not do that. The reality can be quite different.

OP posts:
Wolfiefan · 25/04/2017 22:30

Don't defend him! He's said he would do it again.
I'm guessing he hit bloody hard. And feels no remorse? And has impulse control issues?

Original poster
WillyWonkasChocolate · 25/04/2017 22:53

I'm definitely not defending P but am a point where I don't know what to think or do.
I have suggested counselling for both of us but am met with refusal.

OP posts:
MsGameandWatch · 25/04/2017 22:53

both firmly believe that there are some situations that children need a sharp (painful) shock to knock a point home.

No. Please don't have kids if you really think this.

ElinorRigby · 26/04/2017 07:34

Agree with MsGame. Family life can be incredibly stressful - sometimes essentially caring parents behave in ways that they subsequently feel they shouldn't have done. (This may or may not apply to the Original Poster's situation and partner.)

What I do find disturbing is a couple who are not yet parents deciding that they wish to 'shock' and 'knock' their children in order to make a point. (Are they perhaps planning to deliiver ECT?) And coming on to Mumsnet to announce their plans.

neonrainbow · 26/04/2017 07:49

I don't understand people who think that they need to smack their kids to drive a point home. Do you get hit at work to make sure you understand training?

Original poster
WillyWonkasChocolate · 26/04/2017 07:54

Sorry what's ECT?

OP posts:
Original poster
WillyWonkasChocolate · 26/04/2017 07:57

Figured it out. If Blood is suggesting by the use of the word 'shock' to mean ECT then please please do not have kids

OP posts:
justinelibertine · 26/04/2017 07:59

Would he have hit a work colleague because say they were annoying him by being challenging?
I don't think so.
I suggest you and your partner look up the psychological effects of smacking. I was beaten as a child. I am in therapy still, and just want my mum to love me. I feel worthless, I seek intimacy in inappropriate places and I certainly did not do what I was told by being smacked.

Smacking is instant.
Smacking makes the parent feel better.
Smacking makes your child frightened.
Smacking does not correct your child'd behaviour.

I'm sure you've tried everything, but could you look up Carolyn Webster Stratton and her time out as a final resort method? If you do the foundation of the pyramid you might find you don't need it.

Mind you, if I were you. I'd be packing my bags and removing my poor DS from your partner. Who knows what happens the next time he gets frustrated. And you are complicit because you failed to protect your child.

As for the shock to knock post. You vile creatures. You're not fit if you think it is a good idea to hit a child.

TheMonkeyandthePlywoodViolin · 26/04/2017 08:02

If he said he would do it again, i would consider that a deal breaker.

Wolfiefan · 26/04/2017 08:03

You haven't answered so I'm guessing it was a real thump or hit. Not an open handed tap.
He'd do it again?
Keep your kids safe.

Nutterfly · 26/04/2017 08:12

This would be a deal breaker for me. Hitting is hitting, whether it was me or my child. And a child is far worse imo. If he hit me, I have the ability to leave. A child would not.

SoulAccount · 26/04/2017 08:18

OP, you can go to counselling by yourself, to help you deal with this and get clarity in your head and strategies for addressing tension and friction.

You are right, your P should not be taking out frustration and stress on a child. And it is not a good sign that he didn't admit that loss of control was his failure.

As a separate issue, I think you need to find a way out of this escalating stand off with your child. Mounting stress in every scenario... it may be that your child is learning to meet with challenge with counter challenge, if that is what they witness between parents. Find a more roundabout way to work with your child, and your own stress and frustration may lessen.

I am not saying this is your fault, or that you just abandon all attempts to instil good habits in your child, just that doing things alongside a child as a team, or demonstrating jobs as a happy activity, or issuing praise for helpfulness or compliance are also discipline. It doesn't have to be a mounting scale of sanctions.

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