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Original poster

I messed up big time and only I know why.. I need advise

27 replies

user1490044978 · 20/03/2017 21:35

I'm not sure how to start so please bear with me...
Every relationship I have ever had has been violently abusive until I finally left my husband 3 years ago to escape that... a year later I met someone else who was totally different, made me feel safe and I just knew that whatever happened, he would never be like the others... sadly we broke up after a year and a half because the mother of his children was harassing me and him and it all became too much for us both... a couple of weeks ago I had a terrible experience, a man I know loosely did something bad to me, he hurt and took advantage of me, I brushed it to one side and accepted my blame for being in that situation.. or so I thought... I saw the man I recently broke up with 2 weeks later and we argued, I lost it, I slapped him hard a number of times because I felt threatened, I truly believe that I reacted that way because of the other thing that happened a few weeks ago.. I feel so bad, I've ruined everything, he won't talk to me now, I don't want to tell him what happened but I need him to understand that I am not the person he now thinks I am.. I'm in turmoil.. what should I do? Please help please

OP posts:
Original poster
user1490044978 · 20/03/2017 21:55

I'm not sure how to start so please bear with me...
Every relationship I have ever had has been violently abusive until I finally left my husband 3 years ago to escape that... a year later I met someone else who was totally different, made me feel safe and I just knew that whatever happened, he would never be like the others... sadly we broke up after a year and a half because the mother of his children was harassing me and him and it all became too much for us both... a couple of weeks ago I had a terrible experience, a man I know loosely did something bad to me, he hurt and took advantage of me, I brushed it to one side and accepted my blame for being in that situation.. or so I thought... I saw the man I recently broke up with 2 weeks later and we argued, I lost it, I slapped him hard a number of times because I felt threatened, I truly believe that I reacted that way because of the other thing that happened a few weeks ago.. I feel so bad, I've ruined everything, he won't talk to me now, I don't want to tell him what happened but I need him to understand that I am not the person he now thinks I am.. I'm in turmoil.. what should I do? Please help please I don't know what to do

OP posts:
Chinnygirl · 20/03/2017 22:03

Don't they say that most abusers were abused themselves? Maybe you physically abused him because that reaction came from your experience. Maybe you should write him a letter or email showing insight into the how and why and apologise. Because you say you know why. But other than than I do think that you might need some form of therapy to learn how to react non abusively when in a difficult situation. You are not an evil monster, just a victim of your past. You can learn how to deal with that.

Original poster
user1490044978 · 20/03/2017 22:17

Thank you for replying.. the thing is that I do agree with what you've said but I really thought that everything in the past was dealt with..the thing that happened a couple of weeks ago was far worse and the fear and threat I felt when I saw my ex afterwards was very different to any feelings I've carried from other past relationships.. I'm so ashamed of myself..

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Neverknowing · 20/03/2017 22:18

This sounds awful for you op. Firstly, I don't think you should accept any of the blame for being abused. It's never your fault, your 'friend' is completely to blame. I think you need to speak to this man and (if you can) explain what happened to you and how you felt threatened by him.
Maybe also try to speak to a professional about your past, I imagine that it must be extremely difficult to process. I'm so sorry you're going through such an awful time.

Original poster
user1490044978 · 20/03/2017 22:21

I don't know how to tell him... it's hard to say it out loud.. I haven't told anyone but I just can't bear him thinking that is just who I am because it's not! I want him to understand but if I tell him he will never look at me the same way again... he won't anyway now I suppose.. I hate this

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Original poster
user1490044978 · 20/03/2017 22:33

I'm honestly a total mess, I don't know how to keep going right now.. thank you for saying it's not my fault though.. sadly I really do believe it is... I put myself in a dangerous situation through stupidity in trusting someone I didnt know well enough... thank you anyway though... I don't know if it was right to even start this thread because it's making everything feel so real right now

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BettyBaggins · 20/03/2017 22:42

What a terribly difficult situation. It's ok you started this thread and it's ok that things real even if it doesn't feel ok, if that makes sense. Feeling, even if awfully painful, allows us to process traumatic experiences and begin a healing journey.

Are you telling us that you were raped/sexually abused by your 'friend'?

Could you write to your ex to explain what happened?

BettyBaggins · 20/03/2017 22:42

it's ok that things feel* real

Original poster
user1490044978 · 20/03/2017 22:44

I don't want to say it

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Original poster
user1490044978 · 20/03/2017 22:46

But I think I need to... to him at least, just so he knows why I acted so crazy.. my anger scared me... I don't want to be that person and how can I know I won't do that again now?
Yes... that is what I'm trying to say, I just can't bring myself to say it out loud

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Original poster
user1490044978 · 20/03/2017 22:47

But he will judge me for what happened, why would he even believe me now? He will just think I've lost it.. I hate this so much

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Original poster
user1490044978 · 20/03/2017 22:49

I wish he could just realise that there is more to this without needing me to spell it out

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BettyBaggins · 20/03/2017 22:57
Brew

I'm so sorry to hear you have been through this. It is not your fault that you were raped. It really, really isn't.

I wish I knew the best way to advise you right now and I am sure there will be others along soon who can give you further support and wise advice.

I think maybe there are a couple of issues here. One being the assault/rape you have been a victim of. Two your guilt about hitting your ex, I really do understand your concerns about telling him the why's and wherefores.

You are the priority. How do you feel about telling a support service about it? Have you considered telling the police?

I'm here and listening. You are doing the right thing to talk about this.

Original poster
user1490044978 · 20/03/2017 23:02

Thank you so much.. I wish it felt like the right thing but now I've said it I feel totally broken, I can't stop crying for the first time since it happened... I really don't think I could face the police, I invited him into my home, it was my fault in that sense and I can't face the questions! I'll be ok in time, I'm sure, but I'm scared that I will never be the same person again and that I will feel this angry and scared forever.. I'm sorry to put this on here, I don't want to be a burden

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TwentyCups · 20/03/2017 23:11

It was not your fault. None of it was.
Please please contact rape crisis they can help they will listen and they will believe you.

It's totally up to you whether you tell your ex. You could send him a message along the lines -

I need to apologise for hitting you the other day. I am really sorry for my actions, and am tied up in guilt over it. As I hope you know, it was very out of character behaviour for me, and I know it was wrong.

I don't feel able to go into details st the moment but I am currently recovering from a traumatic experience. I am under a huge amount of stress and upset and I think it triggered an automatic defensive response.

Obviously that's a bit wooden but it might help you come up with a message. Remember though, you can apologise without mentioning anything at all to him.

Flowers stay strong.

BettyBaggins · 20/03/2017 23:13

You aren't a burden, I'd only be watching crap tv and I reckon being on hand for you right now counts for more.

Inviting anyone into your home does NOT give them the right to hurt you in anyway shape or form.

It's good you are talking and having a cry, letting it out is much better than holding on to it and your emotions coming out in other ways! How about having a chat with rape crisis? www.rapecrisis.org.uk They have a helpline that is open to midnight. You could call them tonight or tomorrow from 10am. They will know how to give you the right support and I'm sure they wont pressurise you to talk to the police though they may ask if you want to.

Original poster
user1490044978 · 20/03/2017 23:13

I know you're right and I should report it but I can't, it would become public, my ex husband would find out and blame me and probably try to take my Dcs away because I put myself in that position! I just want my recent ex to understand why I did what I did to him, I just want him to help me through this but in the back of my mind I think if I tell him he will just think even worse of me

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KindDogsTail · 20/03/2017 23:17

You do not say exactly how you were hurt, but if you were suffering Post Traumatic Stress, then you might subconsciously have been on 'red alert' and highly reactive to the slightest thing. Also your past history of abuse might have made you inclined this way.

It would be very important for him to know what happened to you so he understands. Also, I think you may need counselling for abuse and trauma, and maybe anger management (so you will learn to sense when you are tense in plenty of time.)

Original poster
user1490044978 · 20/03/2017 23:17

Thank you so so much for all the kind words.... maybe I should call the helpline because right now I'm really scared of how I'm feeling... I just wish I could close my eyes and forget everything forever... the apology suggestion is a good idea, if he ever lets me speak to him again... he has every right to hate me right now and I'm terrified that if I tell him everything he will just hate me more and blame me like I blame myself

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BettyBaggins · 20/03/2017 23:19

It's ok, you don't have to report it and rape crisis will not ask you to. I just think they have much more experience in giving you the right support, which you deserve, than we can here. You are the one in control of this now. It is totally up to you how you manage things from this point forward.

BettyBaggins · 20/03/2017 23:22

Kinddogstail is giving you some really good advice about the after effects of what has happened.

Rape Crisis
Freephone 0808 802 9999
10am - midnight every day from Mon 27th Feb to 23rd April 2017

KindDogsTail · 20/03/2017 23:25

I am so sorry, I just read the full thread, though I realised something terrible must have happened to you Flowers

it was not your fault just because you invited the man in.

Please contact Rape Crisis as they will not put you under pressure to tell the police if you don't want to, but they will advise you.

KindDogsTail · 20/03/2017 23:40

Please do not focus too much on your friend you slapped. You will be able to explain to him in some way, at some point.

What really matters right now is you. You absolutely need to be looked after and have help. There is no way you would be feeling all right after what has happened. You cannot just try to be brave and forget it.

You could call Rape Crisis right now.

BettyBaggins · 21/03/2017 15:51

How are you today User? Flowers

Original poster
user1490044978 · 21/03/2017 20:56

I opened a can of worms and I feel ruined right now... thank you for your support... my family can all tell that I'm not ok but they are all being vile to me about how I'm not my usual self and no one seems to realise that I need their help and support right now... I wish I could tell them but I can't... I didn't call the helpline because I don't want my kids to hear anything and it's a very small house where everything gets overheard... I'll do it as soon as i have the space to... my ex has ignored my emails and changed his number so I guess he just doesnt care but who could blame him! Sorry to be a pain

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