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Original poster

Should I stay friends with this Mum?

32 replies

GoingSlowly · 06/02/2017 16:58

I have a friend I met through an anti-natal group and we've grown quite close over the past five years. The thing is - I often feel disrespected by her. She has OCD, which I feel I am very accommodating about, but it means she likes to be in control of when and where we meet.

Today we were supposed to be meeting at a soft play centre with a mutual anti-natal friend, but she text me an hour before the meet-up time to say - Can we come round to her house instead? Then another text came through shortly after saying the mutual friend has agreed to meet at her house. So I feel obliged to meet there also, as the mutual friend will be getting the bus there. My daughter was very disappointed as she was excited about soft play. This is normal for my friend - she often changes plans, locations and timings via text at the last minute.

Whilst at her house I am always on egg-shells about making sure my kids don't get to roudy, or drop crumbs or drink on the (wipeable) floor or rug. If they do those things, she huffs and gets a bit arsey. She put her baby to bed during the visit, which comes with the expectation that we keep the kids relatively quiet. This is really difficult - I have a 15 month old and a 4 year old.

On the way out, whilst getting my eldest ready, my youngest was flapping her letter box. She huffed at this and said (in a stressy voice) "No don't do that!". He left the letter box open, so she asked our mututal friend's child to close it, then moaned "Not like that!" when it banged. I then got dirty looks because it was my child who left it open and caused noise.

OP posts:

IateallthePies654 · 06/02/2017 17:00

I'd ditch her tbh.

ImperialBlether · 06/02/2017 17:02

Too much like hard work. Stay polite but steer clear of her.

Ilovecaindingle · 06/02/2017 17:04

Isn't seeing friends supposed to highlight your life??
Maybe soft play has some more manageable friends??

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DearMrDilkington · 06/02/2017 17:06

Hard to tell tbh.
Why aren't your children sitting up a table when they eat? I'm not sure why they are walking around someone's house while eating and putting crumbs everywhere.

The letterbox thing is annoying if she already asked everyone to be quiet because of baby sleeping.

InfinityPlusOne · 06/02/2017 17:08

You can avoid going to her house if you'd like to maintain some kind of contact. With what happened today you could have relied saying you wanted to take your children to soft play as they needed some time to run around etc and you'd see her again soon.

You also have the option of cutting her out altogether and dropping the friendship of it is too much hassle/stress, but if she isn't as bad outside of her own home then just avoid going there in future .

Original poster

GoingSlowly · 06/02/2017 17:12

DearMr - When I've got my hands tied up with one child, I can't deal with the other very young child at the same time. He was behind me when he pulled the letter box. Isn't that just what kids do? I'm also really juggling the kids in the hallway because it leads straight into her other rooms. As soon as my youngest has his shoes on her wants to run out into the house, which she would not like. I just can't physically get my own shoes/eldest's shoes on etc.

My friend brought all the food on a tray into her lounge for the kids to eat it on the floor - so that was her choice. She could have taken it to the table, but didn't. Then she moans if things are spilt.

OP posts:

Original poster

GoingSlowly · 06/02/2017 17:15

Infintity - She isn't as bad outside her home - except for the changing of location and timings. I've learned from past experience that I just need to tell her I'm going somewhere and its a bonus if she turns up. Or make sur the outing is somewhere where we can just get on with things without her. Learned that after waiting an hour in the rain for her to turn up once.

OP posts:

Trollspoopglitter · 06/02/2017 17:33

" When I've got my hands tied up with one child, I can't deal with the other very young child at the same time. He was behind me when he pulled the letter box. Isn't that just what kids do? "

It's hard to deal with two kids but plenty of people manage. And those who temporarily find it difficult(because all kids go through stages) don't expect the world just to put up with it.

Sounds like you expect your ante-natal friend to just suck it up when you can't handle something, but don't cut her the same slack.

VocalDuck · 06/02/2017 17:36

You clearly don't like her and I would be annoyed with someone allowing their child to damage something in my house as well. It sounds like your friendship has run its course so why don't you spend time with other friends? I also don't understand why you let down your daughter and cancel soft play. You could have gone without your friends.

Original poster

GoingSlowly · 06/02/2017 17:51

He wasn't damaging the door - it was the noise she didn't like. He literally only flipped the letter box 3 times before she moaned. I didn't even have time to stop him. I'm a bit surprised people are saying there should never be an occasion where you are dealing with one child so obviously can't hold the other in place?

OP posts:

Original poster

GoingSlowly · 06/02/2017 17:54

I also often 'suck up' things she can't handle. She frequently can't handle things due to her OCD and I am more than accommodating. I never huff and puff about the way she likes things done, certainly not in front of her like she does with me.

OP posts:

VocalDuck · 06/02/2017 17:58

Just because someone has OCD doesn't exempt them from being rude but it is hard to tell what she is like from your posts.

To me just the fact you even question whether you should stay friends mean the friendship isn't there.

JustAnotherPoster00 · 06/02/2017 18:00

Sounds like you expect your ante-natal friend to just suck it up when you can't handle something, but don't cut her the same slack.

Did you read the same OP as I did but through a gin haze?

OP ditch her as nicely as possible, I doubt its going to get any better

Cakingbad · 06/02/2017 18:08

I've got a good friend who is similar OCD wise. She would cancel a date at the last minute or leave suddenly because of some perceived risk. Sometimes I can handle it . Sometimes I can't. The best place to meet is at my house or some venue where she is comfortable (there aren't many!). She is always stressed at her own house probably because she fears that somebody hasn't washed their hands. I'm ashamed to say that nowadays I usually can't be arsed to see her, so I wouldn't blame you if you let the friendship go.

hearyoume · 06/02/2017 18:08

I'd ditch her. I wouldn't disappoint my DC if I've already told them we'd go somewhere for a start. I'd just say (and I have done this) "no, DC are excited about soft play so we'll catch up another time".

ScarlettFreestone · 06/02/2017 18:14

Well to be honest I would have apologised for the banging letterbox and thought no more if it.

If your youngest rubs off as soon as his shoes are on, do his last. Your four year old presumably doesn't need help to put on their shoes and coat?

I have twins so I understand that occasionally someone can get away from you but it's not a reason not to apologise if they do something annoying meanwhile.

And if your DC drop stuff in someone else's house you pick it up - or do what I used to and take a small blanket to spread under them while eating.

Sugarpiehoneyeye · 06/02/2017 18:17

You don't need this person in your life OP, you'll be uncomfortable, treading on egg shells, always wondering how the land lies.
Enjoy your little one, with like minded friends, if she comes along, great, but stick to your plans, then the children won't feel let down.

Original poster

GoingSlowly · 06/02/2017 18:21

Scarlett - Perhaps I should have done my youngest's shoes first yes. My eldest has new shoes that she can't put on by herself yet. I was doing her shoes when he momentarily went behind me. I also need to put my own coat on and shoes, gather up the bags - another few seconds where I can't hold him still.

I clear up any food or spillages dropped, but it's the looks and comments that get to me. I feel on tenter-hooks in her house. She looks out for things she thinks are dirty - hand-washing, etc. I felt awful when my youngest picked up her DS's oaty bar and snapped a bit off to eat, because that meant he'd touched it.

I do like her and we get on really well. Our kids really know each other and play well together. But I'm starting to feel like there is only so much I can take.

OP posts:

Original poster

GoingSlowly · 06/02/2017 18:22

I meant - youngest's shoes last.

OP posts:

LexieSinclair · 06/02/2017 18:24

"You clearly don't like her and I would be annoyed with someone allowing their child to damage something in my house as well. "

Where does it say her child damaged something??

OP she sounds like a pain. I would take my children to soft play next time and find some more easy going friends. Ditch the friends that make life harder instead of enhancing it IMO.

Wolfiefan · 06/02/2017 18:27

She sounds very anxious and unwell. I'm betting that's why she changes plans last minute.
Say no. New plans don't suit you. "Sorry DC looking.forward to soft play. Maybe we can meet up another time?"
Hope she's getting treatment.

LexieSinclair · 06/02/2017 18:27

" When I've got my hands tied up with one child, I can't deal with the other very young child at the same time. He was behind me when he pulled the letter box. Isn't that just what kids do? "

Yes it is exactly what kids do! She should not be inviting young children into her home if she is so easily upset.

Original poster

GoingSlowly · 06/02/2017 18:34

When I got her text to cancel soft play I didn't respond initially - I just wanted to se how my eldest would react. She was disappointed but I gave her the choice of where to go and she chose to go to my friend's house as that's where her friends would be. My other reason for going is that the purpose of the visit was to meet up as a threesome - with our mutual friend who we don't get to see very often. I knew the mutual friend would have been very disappointed if she agreed to go to our friends instead of softplay and then when she arrived I wasn't there - but at soft play! I didn't want to let her down.

OP posts:

TheresABluebirdOnMyShoulder · 06/02/2017 18:41

I can see both sides to be honest and it just seems like a compatibility issue. I totally get her changing plans at the last minute. I used to suffer from crippling anxiety and this is something I did a lot. Although I would just cancel altogether because I couldn't face it, so she does well to change plans rather than cancel them from that point of view. I can also understand it being incredibly annoying to have a child flapping a letterbox and making a racket in a house where there's a baby sleeping.

At the same time, it must be irritating to have to switch venues at a moment's notice. It's also stressful to lose an opportunity for your kids to let off steam, instead having to take them somewhere that you're overly conscious of noise levels etc.

If I were you, I'd keep seeing your friend but only at soft play/the park etc. Not at her house. If she changes plans, just text back "sorry, the kids are really looking forward to soft play so we're going to stick with original plans. Catch up with you another time".

gamerwidow · 06/02/2017 18:51

You're not helping your friend by pandering to her OCD either. As someone with OCD I know that everytime you give into a fear and compulsion it doesn't make it go away if just pops back as something else you have to add to your list of things to be anxious about. If she's not getting help then you shouldn't keep accommodating her, it's not helping her and its miserable for you.

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