Someone cut my babies hair/on the verge of being a single mum

[missuspritch]

So I'm going to start at the beginning. This could turn out a bit long but I feel you need a backstory.
My MIL and her partner have always been very opinionated and when I fell pregnant it got worse with them telling me what I should and shouldn't do. Finally baby arrived and I was like any new mum extremely over protective of her.

At 2 months old I was advised by MIL to feed her mashed potatoes with Bisto on top as she would like it and 'it would be lovely to see her face with new taste' 'she must be bored of milk'.
Just before she turned 3 months old she came home from a visit to MIL with my partner (Sunday visit to nannys with daddy to give me some peace and I can start he dinner) and was informed that she had been given cranberry juice and a digestive biscuit. Her nappy the next day was awful and very very different. This continues for a while every time she came home from MIL wether my partner had been there or not she had dodgy 'different' nappies just one or two and then it would go back to normal. When we finally started weening (my partner pushing me for ages to do it) she took to it like a duck on water and when she saw the spoon for what should have been he first time she got extremely excited smiling and waving her hands.

a couple of times during this period and up to about 5 months I noticed her hair looked slightly shorter at the back when she came home, and the hair that finally covered the bald spot on the back of her head always seemed to get shorter. (In the end I put this down to it being worn back away like how the bald spot got there in the first place)

I confronted my man about this many times and he always denied it said i was making stuff up and that I was paranoid. That I had it in for his mother and that I just didn't know her properly.

Time went on and I just decided I was tired sleep deprived crazy over protective first time mummy and things moved on, I also decided that I would start attending the Sunday meetings to nannys house just to be sure and limit any alone contact with nanny unless completely nessesary.

My daughter is now 16 months and If you had asked me yesterday I would have said we had built a really good relationship but she comes home from nannys and my parents turn up. ( I was doing dinner and didn't pay too much attention to my daughter at the time as she was grumpy and hungry so concentrated on dinner) first thing my parents say is 'oh she's had her hair cut' my partner quickly chimed in 'my parents said that too' I didn't think much of it as I was convinced all the stuff early on was just me being Crazy phsyco mum. Today my friend comes round and asks me what I did to my babies hair as it looks totally different. Upon closer inspection I notice it looks considerably shorter on one side and compared to photos it looks different.

My partner is completely denying it and telling me I'm crazy making stuff up and why would he jeopardise his home and family when he could just come clean about it. We are at a point (for the millionth time) that I am close to kicking him out, and actually meaning it this time. Thing is I have a feeling of doubt in the pit of my stomach and can't shift it. My partner has lied to me before about unimportant things that I have caught him out on, like that the shop didn't have something when he came home without it, /!: that he's watched a you tube video I've sent him when he hasn't . He lies to his family and friends all the time about menial things and is generally very stubborn.

I feel that I should add that he is a fantastic father, works very hard to bring home money for us, has his priorities straight and clearly loves our daughter. I recently got sick and was in hospital for a few days and he was fantastic at looking after me. He helps with most household chores and most of the time is my dream man.

Basically what I'm asking of anyone who has read this is for your opinions, am I psycho crazy possibly seeing things coz I'm looking for them or are my instincts right? What would you do?

For some stupid reason, your partner is lying to you. You are not imagining it.

Do some reading about gaslighting, and suggest he does the same.

I have read briefly about it but I always thought it seemed a bit dramatic for my situation. I am in two minds at the moment second guessing my whole life. I wish there was a way to find out for sure!! Thank you for replying (and reading)

The main problem seems to be your overpowering MIL. The easiest solution would be to be limit the time you see her and to not leave your child with her. She obviously doesn't respect your wishes so attempting to set boundaries with her seems pointless.
If you rely on your MIL for childcare then you will have to find alternative arrangements.

You speak quite highly of your dh so I can't help thinking that you can work through your problems. Firstly he seems to be in a difficult position as you are in conflict with MIL and he doesn't want to take sides. That would account for his non committal comments when challenged about her. The everyday fibs about silly things have probably become a habit but he needs to curb that because you will start to question everything he says.

If you think your relationship is salvageable then look into how you can improve it. It would be a shame to throw in the towel over this.

Have you asked your MIL if she is cutting your baby's hair? It does sound like gaslighting to me too.

My partner always pacifies his mother, agrees with her when he doesn't really agree and tells her what she wants to hear. Every time I have questioned him about her he says that I should do the same to keep the peace. I know she has lied to me also in the past (telling me the stain on my babies outfit was from wee not poo when it is clearly a poo stain, coz my baby isn't dehydrated enough to pee bright orange!!) and a few other times when she has said things that don't really sound like my baby. I have tried to limit time with her before but it's always met with a 'what do you suppose we do, can't just ignore my mother, I won't aurgue with her'

I haven't asked her about it but I do feel that if I did it would be a waste of time and quite frankly I am a little scared of her! (No particular reason other than I just am)

We have been in this aurgument several times since my baby has been born and every time I apologise to fix things.

I feel I should mention that my MIL is always making comments about how my babies hair needs to grow and get longer. (It's quite sparse on the top but she's got little curls coming at the back now. I have herd her say before also that when we start to cut it that it will get longer.

Sounds like he lies easily and at will and he is lying to you now and has been all along with regard to what happens when your daughter is with his mother. Lying is a default mechanism for him so he can 'get away with' whatever he has or hasn't done and doesn't want to face the consequences, you can't trust him trust your own instincts and what everybody else is saying, others who have no reason to lie nor have they lied to you in the past.

In your position I couldn't stay with someone I couldn't trust to tell the truth, if you can't be truthful over the small things what chance have the big things got?

Are you married?

Can you limit the time your daughter spends with your ILs and/or always be there too? The only other issue you need to consider is if you do split up with your partner then your partner will still take your daughter to your ILs.

No you are not crazy psycho mum, your instincts are right, your partner and his mother are deliberately doing things with your daughter and lying/covering them up to make you think you are crazy. I couldn't live like that and don't think you should so either confront them all, lay down solid rules and boundaries with clearly understood consequences as to what will happen if these lines are crossed, or leave your partner now.

No we are not married but we have been together for 8-9 years. My MIL only looks after our daughter when she requests it or if we need someone for an overnight (last aurgunebt that happened I took my man away for his birthday in hope it would help us find eachother again instead of always aurguing)

It is very true that if I leave him my daughter will still see MIL so if I do leave him
The problem with her still exists and other than this, and fighting over sleep/money we don't really aurgue.

Still don't know what to do, I'm not even sure if he's coming home tonight his last text to me was telling me goodbye, but he is dramatic like that, he 'left home' before packed a bag and everything as. Was gone half an hour lol x

Ffs who gives an 8wk old baby mash and Bisto?
And if someone cut my daughters hair without my permission I'd have them for assault.
tell your mil that you will go over to hers and cut her hair and see how she likes it. Or better still if they have s dog take some clippers to parts of it and see how she likes that!! (I love dogs and wouldnt want one hurt but fur grows back) I don't want to cause alarm but be prepared for her coming home with her ears pierced caus it dosnt sound like she has any boundaries and sees your daughter as hers.
If a split is on cards get legal advice about what mil does without your consent caus it dosnt sound as though your dp has a spine and is unable to stand up to her!

It sounds like your partner and his mother are both well versed in the art of lying.

Stop apologising to fix things, stand your ground tell him to stop lying to you and allowing his mother to do so to. You don't need to swallow their lies to keep the peace they need to stop lying and thinking they have carte blanche over your daughter that is the way to keep the peace.

He is your partner, you are meant to be a team if he is as good as you say he is he should be willing to stand up to his mother on behalf of you and your daughter.

I would refuse mil's requests to have dd to stay on her own. She lies and can't be trusted and your partner has obviously inherited that from her!
Your relationship sounds more complicated than I first thought. Your partner does sound rather childish with his dramatics.
However, I still think that the main source of your arguments is his mother. If she wants to see her granddaughter then you take her and stay, say once a week. If your partner wants to see his mum, he can go alone.
For the sake of your relationship, I think making those changes would be worth it.

Also, I would speak to a solicitor to see if there are any legal avenues you can use to limit the contact your MIL has with your daughter in the event of you splitting with your partner - always best to have all the information you need.

Lots of the things you guys are saying others have said to me in the past when I have vented about an aurgument. That or I thought them myself anyway.

I am definatley refusing contact with MIL as of now and just need to sort out this with DP....

He has left work now and is walking home.... 45 minutes till he is due in and hopefully it won't explode into a full on row and I can keep my head straight!!! Wish me luck lol x

Give him time to get in from work, get changed or whatever then try to sit down with him to talk about it calmly.

It helps if you can explain how his behaviour makes you feel and offer some solutions rather than just going on the attack, if you see what I mean.
Write a quick list of what you want to say before he gets home if that helps and don't back down and start taking the blame for everything just to pacify him! He needs to understand that you can't carry on with things the way they are.

Hope you can sort something out.

Nineties,thank you for your advice! It helped me to keep calm when he was spewing bullshit.

Basically it went like this. I showed him the hair, he neither agreed or disagreed that he thought it had been cut. He flatly refused while looking me dead in the eye that he didn't cut it (I never blamed him, but I did blame him of knowing) so I corrected him and said 'I know you didn't that's not what I am thinking' he then repeated his previous 'I DID NOT AT ANY POINT' blah blah soeech at me but changed it from him to his mother. This time not looking me In the eye or even at my face.

He then he just kept asking me if he would really leave his home family and DD over something so silly and do I really think he could do that, wouldn't it just be better for him to just admit it. I think he's trying to prove to me that he's telling the truth by saying those things. I've stopped him leaving in the past and I think he is banking on it. This time I am just going to see it through and call his bluff, leave then, see if he does or if he admits something. What do you lovely people think?? Lol

The food alone would have done it for me. How DARE she feed your baby without permission and before the recommended safe age??

It certainly seems that your MIL and/or DP are cutting her hair...why they're doing it only they can tell you! Wierdos!

I think you two don't sound like a team, and you need to be one. He obviously thinks he can get away with anything and has been very successful in making you doubt yourself.

See a solicitor to find out what your legal rights are, as you aren't married.

Note3 I was just as angry about the food but I was convinced that I was being paranoid and finding things that weren't there. Looking back at it now however I still think it happened. The evidence is there? Is there ever a baby that takes to eating that easily? She knew exactly how to eat and what a spoon was?

He's gone out now didn't tell me where coz apparently I was rude when I asked lol, he will probably be back in half hour or less. He has no where to go really.

Why do you leave your baby with someone you don't trust? Your MIL I mean.

That's the one thing I cannot understand from your post. Your husband is a liar, your MIL does things differently, but you are still leaving your child with them. This stuff will continue to happen.

Don't leave your child with your mil alone again if you want this to stop.

Can you ask her straight why she cut your childs hair?

wait till he asleep then cut his hair.
Then lie about it

You did well to keep calm and explain your side.

I think you need to move forwards so instead of trying to prove that he and his mother have lied which just seems to be an argument that goes in circles, can you make suggestions to improve the situation?

I think cutting right back on the contact your dd has with MIL is the best place to start.

You can also make it clear to your partner that you won't be emotionally blackmailed. He can't threaten to leave when things aren't going his way. He needs to understand you are close to splitting up with him if he can't be honest.
You both want the best for your daughter so you have that as a basis to work this out.

Please print off this thread or copy the details from your first post and save them somewhere as evidence of your MILs behaviour to show a solicitor, the food (and the suggestion of what to feed) fed to your daughter at a young age by your MIL are bordering on downright dangerous.

Your MIL and partner are definitely in cohoots, you are never going to get a straight answer from either of them, your partner knows damn well what his mother has been/is doing but he won't admit it to you just keep deflecting it by saying he didn't do it - no he personally didn't but he clearly knows about and condones his mother doing it so is equally culpable.

Don't back down, set your boundaries.

Between the time this stuff started happeneing and now there was a very long time where she didn't have her. I would go over when she visited nanny and watch closely. I saw how good she is with her (she's fantastic DD loves her and gets so excited when we are at their house). And for a long while nothing happened. Also she was on solids so nanny feeding her wasn't an issue. I also started to think I HAD imagined it and it WAS all in my head. My partner also told me repeatedly that no harm had come to her and she is and always will be fine with nanny. So I started up visits again like they used to be and we really started to get along. But then this happened...and I'm back to questioning everything I have been thinking over the recent few months. I have tried and tried at this alot of the suggestions in this post I have tried many times but to no avail.

He's back... was gone 16 minutes lmao

Patricia I'm loving your idea

Nineties he's having none of it tonight, But i will try to set boundaries and tell him what I want to happen but I have tried this many times before and it clearly hasn't worked. Apart from when DD wasn't alone with her atall. I'm gunna let him do his thing. See if he does just up and leave like he keeps threatening. I feel it's the only way to break this circle...

Emotions thank you for your advice I will do that. Its always better to have proof just in case!

It sounds like neither your partner not his mother have any respect for you. If you know what you want from your relationship (and what you don't) you could give him a chance, but I'd want him to state and show that you come first. And I don't mean you-and-your-baby. You. This would be about whether you and he have a future together as a couple. His position as a parent is separate.

Fwiw I don't think he is a great parent if he lets his mum do whatever she wants. It sounds like she's a dictator, he's accepted that and is annoyed that you haven't. His mum wants to be in charge And rather than discussing ideas and opinions she goes ahead and has her way. If you can deal with this e.g. by being firm with boundaries you'll likely save your daughter from a whole lot of nonsense as she grows up. Your mil may be a bully or a narcissist, either way she's not a nice influence on your family.