How to tell my wife something......

[StevieDW]

I am and have been a transvestite most of my life. I'm in my 40s and have been happily married for 20 years. I have a secret life which involves me cross dressing. This is purely solo when I'm away from home. I have a selection of women's clothes and even fake breast. I am not gay and do not want to be a woman but feel comfortable dressed in a skirt or dress in my hotel room. I don't wear makeup or wigs. How do I tell my wife? I'd love her to be a part of this but am frightened of how she'll react. I don't want to lose her. Please help.

I'm also interested how, in 20 years, she hasn't come across your 'stash' of female attire. Do you have a separate lockup for it. Us women are very intuitive. I wouldn't be surprised if it's less of a shock to her than you're anticipating.

I don't think I'd be able to handle this.

I wouldn't be able to handle that you had kept something so massive a secret and I just could be with some one that crossed dressed. I'm just not that open minded.

It must be a wretched place your in right now and very conflicting.

How do you think your DW would take it? Be prepared for the end of your relationship if/when you tell her.

I'm not sure I would be able to accept this, more because of the deception than what you've been doing. And personally, I would then be very unhappy with any pressure to "be a part of this". You don't express concern because of this and I wonder why you want to tell DW now? Are you fantasising that she will want to take part?

You say you don't want to lose DW but don't express concern for her and, to be honest, your post seems rather one sided. I guess you will have been thinking about the effect on DW beyond whether you might lose her, but that's not what comes across in your post for me.

Twenty odd years ago a male friend came out to me as a cross dresser. I was the first person he ever told and he was very nervous - early 20's. I didn't have a problem with it, he was still the same person. But he wasn't my partner who had been hiding this secret for 20 years. I think I'd feel very differently if dh kept it from me and in all likelihood I'd feel betrayed. To me it is on the same level as having a child before we met and never acknowledging it. It's a trust issue and not giving me a choice in the relationship. I'm not saying I'd never get past it. I'm just explaining that it may be a very big deal to your wife. I know this isn't what you want to hear.

A 20 year deception (of anything) would make me question my marriage
The clothes not so much
I would question how I didn't know my partner had a secret
I would question why he chose to lie to me
I would worry whether he had more secrets/ would Lie again in future

The clothes I would think a bit eccentric, and I'd want lots of reassurance it was just cross dressing and no desire to change gender or have sex with others, but if it was only dressing up I wouldn't have a problem with it. (If your wife doesn't know about cross dressing she may assume it means you are bisexual or something so do explain this). I'd want reassurance you weren't planning to go out in public dressed up.

All the above is a bit irrelevant though as I'd be floored by the deception.

Why have you decided to tell her now?
Why did an ex know but not your wife?

When you tell her, focus on her needs and feelings, not yours. Listen to how she responds and go by that. Apologise.

*.It's a trust issue and not giving me a choice in the relationship.

This absolutely

If you tell her, you must be prepared to respect her feelings. I think 'wanting her to be part of it' is a bit presumptuous. You know her better than us, so may have more of a sense of her likely reaction. Or she may surprise you. But the thing to hold on to is that her feelings are just as valid as yours and she has a right to respond in way that is true to her, just as you want to be true to yourself. You should not assume she will be OK with this, although she may be, she is entitled not to be. You have to accept this may end your marriage.

I wouldn't tell her. If I were her I would want to remain blissfully ignorant too. The lies and the reason behind them would be enough to walk.
Do you have DC? Think of the repercussions for them and the family unit. This would soon become public knowledge I feel, how would you deal with that?

I have read all your responses and than you very much for them. To answer some of the points raised
My previous girlfriend was heavily into bondage and actually asked me to dress up as it was a fantasy of hers to be dominated by a woman.
I wash my clothes at a launderette and store them in a lockup.
I didn't broach this at the start as I was ashamed of it.
I do have real concerns for my wife's feelings and hate the thought of the turmoil it will bring to her mind.
We do have kids...3 boys.
I have no desire to do it out of doors.
Thanks again and I'll keep you posted over the next few weeks.
Stevie

If you are prepared for the possible end of your marriage then be honest with her.

However once you do that you need to accept what ever choice she makes. Do not guilt her or pressure her in to accepting your lifestyle.
For me the marriage would be over. 20 years of hiding this would be too much of a betrayal.

Thanks for updating Stevie. I wish you all the best. This is a massive thing, I think you know that. I am sorry you felt shame about this and wonder if you ever looked for any 'help' or counselling about it. Either to stop or to get comfortable enough to be open about it.

You do not need to answer this if you do not wish to, of course.

I think one factor is that although it may be better for your wife not to know, would you be able to take this secret with you, and never tell her? If you know that one day you would tell her, then I think it is better to do it sooner rather than later. Better for her, maybe, although maybe not better for you.

If this does end your marriage then I think at least now both of you would have a chance to find a partner: you - who you can be honest with; she- who can be honest with her.

She would also have a choice to stay with you knowing this. If you wait until 'old age' to reveal your secret then you may end up staying together as neither of you has the energy or ability to leave.

Wallywobbles said "In her shoes I'd rather not know ever." And I kind of feel the same way, but I wonder if the pressure to reveal the secret may get more and you may find that in the future you do feel a compulsion to tell her. So not telling now, although it may appear kind to her (and to you) it may actually delay the pain.

I am really not sure how you feel your wife may want to be part of this as you say you do not want to do this out of doors and it is not sexual. I also think you may need to think about this, fake breasts doesn't sound non-sexual to me.

There may be a small number of women who get involved in their partners cross dressing etc but I do kind of feel your chances of finding such a person would have been much higher when you first met a partner and they accept this side of you at the start, with the whole package. Expecting someone to accept this now, over two decades on, that seems rather wishful thinking.

Please do update us. Much as my sympathy is with your wife in this, I do wish you well.

I would be very nervous for your boys in case this is a deal breaker for her. I assume they are still children and it would be such a shame to split a family over something, which you have been successfully managing for 20 years. If she is very unlightened, she may try to stop contact with them citing you as a perversive influence. Good luck whatever you decide.

I have been married 16 years. I think I would leave my husband if he told me this. Because a secret / lie throughout our entire marriage would make the entire marriage a fraud.

It is a selfish act to keep something so large secret from someone whilst asking them to commit their life to you. They deserve to have full knowledge so that they can make the choice properly rather than when than waiting until they are trapped with a history and life together and children who would be damaged by the separation.

You were presumably scared that she would not marry you so you didn't give her the option.

I would find that level of selfishness unacceptable.

I met a client and he was a transvestige. He had dressed up for a work presentation and liked it. He had then researched it big time, had make up and hair lessons and did a drag act, despite being a hugely successful business man. He pretty much had a double life, and went out with other girlfriends in a group (as in group of friends) and loved being a woman. But he was married with children and he said his wife hated it and was really finding it difficult to accept. Yet he couldn't/wouldn't stop. While he was a pretty impressive man, I couldn't help feeling sorry for the wife and I don't think that his marriage will last.

I think you have to really think what you want to achieve by telling her. For me, if you suddenly decided that you must tell her after 20'yrs it is because you want it to become "bigger". If you were really bothered about hiding things from your wife you'd not have taken two decades...

You don't come first in this, is what you need to realise. Your children come first and you have to think of them before yourself. Your wife comes before you too, because you've been lying to her for 20 years and she's a victim of that. So you need to stop thinking that what you want is the most important thing. The most important thing is what is best for the children and your wife. If you've been married for 20 years and have any sort of insight into your family, then you should be able to decide what that it.

In your wife's shoes (sorry!) I'd like to know. I'd need to know why, where, who else is involved or knows about it, why you hadn't told me before. I'd go through a lot of emotions, including anger, loneliness, even feeling betrayed because it's comparable with an affair- there's almost another person involved here. How many lies have you told me, over the years?
I'd have a lot if practical questions (per above) plus financial ones too - how much have you spent? Did that expenditure disadvantage our family?
Ultimately I would support you & like to be involved, in a way that is acceptable to us both. But the deceit would have to stop for this to work.
(Yes, I do have some experience of this situation, as a wife.)
I wish you well.

It was incredibly selfish to keep it from her originally and it will be additionally selfish to tell her now. So. You need to do some serious thinking about her, not you. How to reassure her, how to help her deal with it. You need to tell her without judgement - no implication that if she can't accept it that's a problem with her.

The problem is with you, because you lied. I speak as someone whose husband does occasionally dress as a woman and has performed a full drag act. As much as I knew this about him when getting married it is an odd sensation to see for the first time. I do not find him attractive at all in drag and if he expected me to get involved in it as a fetish that would be a deal breaker for me. He knows this because we have talked about it as equals. I can only imagine how much of a shock it would be to have to come to terms with this after 20 years together. Not sure I could.

I think others are right that it is the long deception which will shock your wife to the core - she will feel as if the last 20 years have been a lie, and she will start re-running incidents from the past, particularly (I would guess) your sex life together, wondering what it all means in the light of this revelation. She will also be very frightened by her own reactions - I know you say you are not a transexual, you are a transvestite, but you must be aware that transgender issues are very much the liberal cause celebre of the moment right now - and women in your wife's situation thus find themselves under immense pressure to be "understanding", to the detriment of being allowed to talk openly about their own feelings and the devastating impact it has on them (witness Violet's post upthread, which is very much the Guardian-reading knee jerk reaction of "well your wife ought to be totally cool with it".) She will thus feel upset and marginalised and find herself with very few people she can talk to openly about it.

I would also suggest that you need to be very, very honest with yourself. You talk about a mid life crisis, which I think shows considerable self-awareness, and I think that's to be applauded. But I have read blogs by women whose partners transitioned - i.e. identified as transgender - in middle age, and often they started out by assuring their wives that they weren't transgender, they were "just" transvestite", then things progressed. I think you need to be very clear where you actually are on all this. It is possible that this sudden compulsion to tell her after 20 years of silence is actually just the start of a process which may be taking you places even you aren't aware of yet.

One of the most telling phrases in your OP is "I'd like her to be a part of this". I would hazard a very strong guess that your wife will in fact not want to be a part of this, and the way you phrase it, in terms of your needs, and wanting her to become part of it - i.e. pander to/participate in your fantasy life - rings massive alarm bells for me. If you'd said "I don't feel comfortable hiding this from her any longer and I'd like to see if she could accept this side of me," I'd have been less worried, but the "become part of" phrasing really does scream "me, me, me".

I wish you luck, OP, but frankly if I was in your wife's position and you dropped this bombshell, I'd divorce you (probably after a long and painful and ultimately futile attempt to come to terms with it, because most women who love their husbands will attempt to find fixes initially - thus damaging their mental health in the process).

I must make something clear here as I didn't mention it in earlier posts. I have only recently, in the last few months been actually buying clothes to keep for myself. I think the trigger for this was when I dressed up for a fancy dress party as Mrs Brown (TV Show) and that is where the fake breasts came from. It was a release that I needed more of. My wife and I actually trawled charity shops together to buy my outfit. I'd managed to keep it suppressed and under control for this long but it has ALWAYS been there.

I did say at the time that I felt 'comfortable' in this guise and she laughed but we really enjoyed the 'getting ready' part.

I know this doesn't change the fact that I've hidden this but think that maybe that was the time to say it. I'm sure that there'll be another opportunity to get dressed up again for a social event so maybe this might be the time.

My mother and older sister know as she found one of her old dresses in my room when we were moving (at 15 years old) and they were packing up my room. It was never mentioned but I know they know as the dress wasn't there when I unpacked my things.

Thanks again for your honest opinions.

@ MostlyHet - You are absolutely right. The phrase was the wrong one. You have hit the nail on the head. I don't want to dress up with her (unless she expressed a want to do this) I just don't want to hide it any longer and hope that, given time, she could understand or realise that this side of me exists.

In the short term I am going to keep this private and see how it goes. Like I said, it has only fairly recently been more prevalent in my life and maybe it is something I just need to get out of my system.

Stevie you've put a different spin on things, it is only recent in its current manifestation. I would say (if this is true, sorry but I am not sure cross dressers are always truthful about these things because there is a big shame element, for yourself, which you have alluded to) you have a chance to be honest with her. By all means see if this spate of cross dressing gets it out of your system. In your shoes i would seek some professional help. IMHO I am not sure this will get it out of your system, but of course only you really know.

You are, I think, still harboring a little fantasy that your wife will want to dress up with you, even though you say "unless she expressed a want to do this". If you have gotten it out of your system what would happen then if she did want to dress up with you? Please do be realistic, I would imagine the vast majority of women would not find this appealing, I know I would find it impossible.

You seem to be confusing your wife being willing to source a Mrs Brown outfit with you, for a fun event which she knew about, and your keeping a locker of ladies clothes to use. You do not need to answer this, but. are the clothes for women 'sexy' clothes? Are they what your wife wears to pop to the shops? Are they what she would wear on a night out now? Are they what she would have worn on a disco night out ten years ago? (EG when younger)?

You do not need to answer this, but it would reveal to you that if the clothes were down the end of low cut, revealing, disco, night out or younger women end of clothing etc then it is more sexual than you are admitting here, maybe.

I don't have experience of this, I am no expert. I have just read a bit from the wife's perspective and I am only bringing this up because I sense you are planning to minimize this and not explain it to your wife. Which is your right, but I feel it would be unfair to her. If this really is a recent activity, by the time you tell her or it comes to light you will be faced with all the deception thing that so many posters have mentioned. Currently you do not have a 20 year habit you've kept hidden, you have a secret and a recent habit. If you wait 20 years, you will have a 20 year secret habit. Do you see what i mean?

Good luck.

@ Italiangreyhound the post is honest I can assure you. Your question about the types of clothes is interesting. I have two dresses and two skirts all bought from charity shops. They are by no means revealing and I'd say they were more everyday items that could be worn on a casual night out. They are all long (below the knee) to maxi length and certainly not young women's clothes so I don't know what to read from that.

I wouldn't expect my wife to want to indulge with me but I guess it would be a way of sharing it. I don't know. I am going to leave it for a while and maybe seek out someone to talk to face to face about it, counselling or similar.

Thanks again everyone for you time and patience with me

Thank you Stevie I did noyeam to implying you were lying to us, I meant you might be minimizing.

If the clothes are simple everyday wear this may be less 'threatening' to your wife, not sexual, as you said. I wonder if it would help you to explore the, as you say, with a counseler. I mean for your own benefit. If you grew up in an all female household this orgy might, give some insight. I think counselling is a good idea, not that you should feel ashamed but that you can understand this.

Good luck and thank you for being so honest.

This phone is driving me nuts! NOT the word orgy. The word MIGHT! Tried to type it twice and it came out once correctly and once as orgy! No idea why! Sorry.

Thanks Italiangreyhound you make a lot of sense. I have requested a session with 'relate' and will see how that goes. I'll let you know.
Cheers
Stevie