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Original poster

So confused. Don't know what to do

65 replies

Dannii6 · 29/08/2016 16:57

Hi. I've never posted before but am a lurker I just really need some advice.
Back story. We've been together 10 years and are supposed to be getting married in a few weeks. We also have 2 dc.
Around 5 years I was suffering with pnd (not an excuse I know) and I slept with someone else. Told dp about it we talked it through and he chose to forgive me.
So the other night I went out with some friends and the guy I cheated with was in the same bar. I have had no contact with him since it happened.
I left the bar with a male friend who was going to walk me to the taxi before going to meet some friends of his. The guy also left at the same time and walked the same way. We ended up kind of walking together but my friend had a phone call and stopped to answer. The other guy went straight into a taxi and as I was drunk I didn't think to go back and say bye to my friend and just jumped in a different taxi and went home.
However my friend assumed I'd gone home with the other guy and told my partner this.
I got home and he snatched my phone off me demanding my passcode.
Because I was drunk and angry I refused. I wanted him to feel shit tbh. Anyway this resulted in him holding me by my throat to the point I couldn't breath and then hitting me over the head with a console controller leaving a lump and nasty bruise on my forehead.
He has never done this before but there have been times in arguments where I thought he was going to hit me.
He's very remorseful but I don't think I can forgive him for this. He knows I grew up with a father who constantly accused my mother of affairs and was often violent and verbally aggressive. I do not want that for my kids.
Was it my fault for not giving him the passcode? Or have I turned him into this person by what I did years ago?
I just need some advice. Thanks x

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 29/08/2016 21:40

OP, you are damaged if you think you are the one who has thrown away the last 10 years

Don't give your kids that kind of message

He is a terrible father. He strangled the mother of his children to teach her a lesson.

WilLiAmHerschel · 29/08/2016 21:42

He does have serious trust issues but that's really not the issue here. If he is capable of inflicting that level of violence then he is dangerous. He is not safe to be around. A lot of people cheat and yes cheating is bad, but strangling someone is something else entirely.

sentia · 29/08/2016 21:45

He tried to strangle you. There is nothing you could possibly have done to deserve that. Normal people who are angry at something their partner has done, even if they're really really angry, do not try to strangle them. You understand that, right?

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Relationship problems
Original poster
Dannii6 · 29/08/2016 23:02

I understand what you're all saying and I'm really trying to not blame myself but hes never put his hands on me in the 10 years we've been together so I must've really annoyed and upset him.
I'm not naive and to be honest if I was someone else reading what I just wrote I'd be eye rolling a telling them to sort themselves out.
I always said the second a man laid a finger on me that'd be it but being in the situation is so hard :(

OP posts:
Original poster
Dannii6 · 29/08/2016 23:07

Anyfucker your message really hit me. Not in a bad way but maybe you're right.
It's not normal for me to excuse his behaviour but I can't help it
I've always thought I was a strong woman who can give as good as I got but I'd never felt so frightened and intimidated.
I'm sorry for rambling I just don't know what else to do and this is helping me

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 29/08/2016 23:29

Ramble away, but hear this : you will never get anyone on here agreeing that you deserved to be on the receiving end of violence

If you had shagged the whole of the local rugby team in front of him it would not excuse his hands around your throat

Your relationship is damaged beyond repair. He will give you pretty words but it does not change the fact he crossed that line.

Original poster
Dannii6 · 30/08/2016 11:12

So it's a new day and I'm still struggling with what to do.
As bad as it sounds I'm more concerned with what people are going to think and the thought of ringing around suppliers to cancel wedding things is making me feel sick.
All that money wasted. Other people's money wasted. No one is going to understand because he's never acted like this before and they probably won't believe it was that bad.

OP posts:
sentia · 30/08/2016 11:16

It must be a huge amount to process, I can understand why you're struggling to keep things in perspective.

But it did happen, he did try to strangle you. Keep reminding yourself of that. Everything else is secondary, and less important than that fact.

DementedUnicorn · 30/08/2016 11:20

If you had been caught shagging him in open public that still wouldn't have been an excuse to do what he did

WilLiAmHerschel · 30/08/2016 11:46

I know I'd be similar to you because I worry too much about other people but don't let other people who don't have to live with him, dictate your life. What he did was incredibly brutal and violent. People die from being strangled. That's not an exaggeration. I worry that you are really putting yourself at risk by staying with him. It took ten years for him to lash out, it could take another five before he does again but he will do it again. And it will probably be no violent not less.

WilLiAmHerschel · 30/08/2016 11:57

Be more violent not less.*

AnyFucker · 30/08/2016 12:53

You would marry the Boston Strangler rather than cancel a few suppliers (who deal with this on a regular basis) and upset a few family/friends ?

Listen to yourself, love Sad

FruitCider · 30/08/2016 17:20

Unless you are both in your teens and he has never been in a relationship before, the likelihood is he HAS done it before. Sorry to burst your bubble. Have you spoken to women's aid yet?

Superstar90 · 10/09/2016 09:03

If you can't bring yourself to leave him yet then please at least postpone the wedding. It will be worse if you marry this guy because then you will truly feel trapped. Tell people you are postponing because of financial pressures or family sickness or something (if people are rude enough to enquire why). Then start thinking of your exit route - it's all very well people say leave him but it's a big step for you to do so and I can well understand why even though you know you should go you might not yet be able to. In the meantime as well try and get him to come to counselling with you. Please do not blame yourself. You did not cause this - his violence is his issue. You need to keep youself and your children safe. Maybe as well keep some pepper spray or something somewhere only you know where it is in the house? Please leave him as soon as you feel able.

Superstar90 · 10/09/2016 09:08

And whilst he definitely shouldn't have hit or tried to kill you! You should have given him the passcode he had a right to be jealous and suspicious after you cheated on him with this man.

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