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Original poster

So confused. Don't know what to do

65 replies

Dannii6 · 29/08/2016 16:57

Hi. I've never posted before but am a lurker I just really need some advice.
Back story. We've been together 10 years and are supposed to be getting married in a few weeks. We also have 2 dc.
Around 5 years I was suffering with pnd (not an excuse I know) and I slept with someone else. Told dp about it we talked it through and he chose to forgive me.
So the other night I went out with some friends and the guy I cheated with was in the same bar. I have had no contact with him since it happened.
I left the bar with a male friend who was going to walk me to the taxi before going to meet some friends of his. The guy also left at the same time and walked the same way. We ended up kind of walking together but my friend had a phone call and stopped to answer. The other guy went straight into a taxi and as I was drunk I didn't think to go back and say bye to my friend and just jumped in a different taxi and went home.
However my friend assumed I'd gone home with the other guy and told my partner this.
I got home and he snatched my phone off me demanding my passcode.
Because I was drunk and angry I refused. I wanted him to feel shit tbh. Anyway this resulted in him holding me by my throat to the point I couldn't breath and then hitting me over the head with a console controller leaving a lump and nasty bruise on my forehead.
He has never done this before but there have been times in arguments where I thought he was going to hit me.
He's very remorseful but I don't think I can forgive him for this. He knows I grew up with a father who constantly accused my mother of affairs and was often violent and verbally aggressive. I do not want that for my kids.
Was it my fault for not giving him the passcode? Or have I turned him into this person by what I did years ago?
I just need some advice. Thanks x

OP posts:

Original poster

Dannii6 · 29/08/2016 17:41

When he hit me with controller he said it was retaliation because I threw it at his aquarium

OP posts:

Lovelydiscusfish · 29/08/2016 17:43

This is NOT your fault. Even if you had slept with the other bloke that night, he would STILL be entirely in the wrong to assault you because of it.
It can help to ask yourself what you would advise a friend or family member to do in this situation.
Good luck, and be careful.

WilLiAmHerschel · 29/08/2016 17:47

Op I am very sorry because I can imagine how hard it must be, but for your children's sake you need to leave. You need to leave for yourself too, but I see so many women talk about staying together for the sake of the children and I know it's a well-intentioned thought, but I think it's wrong.

My mum left it far too long before leaving my dad, "for the sake of the children". My dad was very rarely physically violent but he had a nasty, frightening temper and was abusive in other ways. All of us children are mentally scarred from growing up in fear. Children hear a lot more than you think and they pick up on things you don't always realise. One of my worst memories is of seeing my younger sibling get violently beaten when he was still a toddler and I live with guilt because I saw it happen. I'm sure my mum never thought that he'd do that or be capable of it but he was.

Interested in this thread?

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Relationship problems

QueenieBob · 29/08/2016 17:51

I think you've hit the nail on the head OP - how can he do that to you then go back to normal? Because both behaviours are normal to him. He wanted you to do something you weren't willing to do and look at the lengths he went to to make sure he got his way. Bad behaviour (not just violence) escalates so this could be the tip of the iceberg. How are you going to discuss things if he flies off the handle like this? Who could you stay with whilst you decide what you want to do? Big hugs OP

NerrSnerr · 29/08/2016 17:53

You need to leave. What if he does it in front of the children next time? What if in 5 or 10 years time one of your teenage children upset him and he does it to them. I think you need to call the police.

Original poster

Dannii6 · 29/08/2016 17:56

I'm sorry you went through that wiLIAam. My upbringing was similar which is why this is worse.
My dad was physically and verbally abusive to my mother. She worked 3 jobs and one was in a pub so she'd get home late and he'd accuse her of having an affair. One time he chased her out of the house when I was 8 and I followed to see her kicking her in the bus stop.
Ironically they divorced when I was 16 because he cheated. it was such a relief when they did. But my sister and brothers are younger than me and don't remember what he was like. I haven't spoken to him in 10 years.
You're all right. I swore my kids would never see what I did and they will pick up that something isn't right.
It's so hard because no one has ever seen this side of him. My remaining family think the world of him and my auntie has paid half of my wedding dress and his parents have given us money.
I'm very private and i don't know what I'd tell people

Stupidly I don't want to make him out to be a monster. I'd rather everyone thought I'd cheated again

OP posts:

CalmItKermitt · 29/08/2016 17:58

Bear in mind he is more than likely to get worse once you're married.

There isn't much worse he can do than strangle you. Except the outcome will probably be different.

sentia · 29/08/2016 18:09

He doesn't have to be a monster for you to leave him. He's assaulted you.

He doesn't have to be violent repeatedly for you to leave him. Once is enough.

What he did was very very far from ok. Don't minimise it.

How can any decent person do something like that to someone they supposedly love? It's even worse that it was calculated and cold because he was trying to deliberately terrify you, wtf.

MoogBoov · 29/08/2016 18:10

Not exactly the best of friends you've got there - telling your partner any information isn't her business.

Leave. He's done it once, he'll do it again. Who's to say he won't transfer his anger to the children.

Original poster

Dannii6 · 29/08/2016 18:18

Thank you everyone. You've just confirmed what I know is right. We're at his parents for a BBQ at the moment as if promised the kids weeks ago we could go.
He asked me earlier what's going to happen and I told him I'd speak to him when we are home. I'll tell him then

OP posts:

FruitCider · 29/08/2016 18:36

I wouldn't tell him you are leaving. It can/will put you in further danger. Tomorrow when he goes back to work, ring women's aid and gather up essential documents and some money and leave them with a trusted friend. Get a refuge space THEN leave when he is not there and tether all contact so he cannot find you. If you drive you will need to park your vehicle well away from your accommodation and sell it ASAP and buy replacement.

Original poster

Dannii6 · 29/08/2016 18:42

It's hard. I have no money of my own. Plus I'm back in work on a 12 hour shift tomorrow after 2 weeks off on annual leave :(

OP posts:

FruitCider · 29/08/2016 18:45

Has he been controlling your money too?

Work is not your priority right now, you need to secure your safety urgently if possible.

ThatStewie · 29/08/2016 18:56

Fruit Cider is right. Dont tell him. Wait until he's at work tomorrow and then pack the children & your important documents in car & phone women's Aid.

Original poster

Dannii6 · 29/08/2016 19:56

I wouldn't say he controlled the money as such. I'm not very good with the financial side of things so we have a joint account and he makes sure the bills are paid etc.

We just spoke and he completely broke down. Was crying telling me he loved me and can't lose me. It was awful.
I've asked him to go stay at his mothers house so I can have some space

OP posts:

AnyFucker · 29/08/2016 20:02

This is no atmosphere for children to be raised in. Cheating, violence, drunkeness.

If you don't want to perpetuate what you learned from your parents relationship and have your kids grow up damaged like you, then you have to end this

FruitCider · 29/08/2016 20:04

Yeah he will try and guilt trip you. That's what perpetrators do. "Oh I'm so sorry, I didn't mean to hurt you I just wanted to scare you, I love you, I promise you I'll never do it again, please don't leave me we can work things out".

Don't fall for it.

If you have access to the joint account withdraw some money and get out of there. Women are most at risk when they are trying to leave or have just left. I don't mean to frighten you, but you are at high risk of harm from him now you have told him your intentions.

Original poster

Dannii6 · 29/08/2016 20:06

Thank you for your advice fruitcider. I have told him my intentions and for now he's left. I feel awful but I actually feel a bit relieved that it's done.
Anyfucker I appreciate what you are saying but this is not a regular occurrence. I rarely go out but it was my birthday and I wouldn't say I was damaged but my past has made me wary if that makes sense

OP posts:

Dozer · 29/08/2016 20:11

You had been scared of him at times before and now he has seriously assaulted you, and his statements afterwards have been chilling. Please LTB and report the assault to the police.

FruitCider · 29/08/2016 20:11

If you don't feel able to leave your home tonight, give women's aid a call to formulate a safety plan, 0808 2000 247.

Original poster

Dannii6 · 29/08/2016 20:16

Thank you so much everyone who's replied. He's gone to stay at his mothers. He's said he'll stay away as long as I need but I don't think he can accept I want it to be over.
I can't help but think I've thrown away 10 years over a moment of madness

OP posts:

WilLiAmHerschel · 29/08/2016 20:29

Op, he has thrown away your relationship. Not you.

Now he's away use this time to think practically about what you need to do.
Maybe start a thread in the relationship board as they are great on that type of thing.

Don't worry about dealing with bills and stuff. Again you can get advice and help on mumsnet if you need any. You can do lots online these days.

Original poster

Dannii6 · 29/08/2016 20:33

Thank you wiLIAam. I'll look into starting a new thread. There's not much I can do this week. I'm nurse and working a 12 hour day shift tomorrow followed by 2 12 hour night shifts :( so hopefully Friday I can get to my local citizens advice to ask what my options are in terms of renting somewhere etc. X

OP posts:

WilLiAmHerschel · 29/08/2016 20:56

Definitely do start the new thread. I hope you get the advice you need. Very bad timing with you going back to work tomorrow but I suppose there's never a good time for something like this to happen.

Regarding your earlier post. How does everyone know you cheated on him? Did you tell them? I am private too. Very, very private. I'd have the same worries you have. But please, don't tell people this is your fault. Tell those closest to that he was violent or that he crossed a line and that you don't want to go into details. You don't need to give a reason to people you don't want to. If they ask why you can just say things weren't working out. Whatever.. it's none of their business and it's not their life. From what I have read and seen myself it's very common for people like your OH to present a very different person to the outside world. Some people see through it but sadly a lot don't. I think that's part of the abuse in a way.

Original poster

Dannii6 · 29/08/2016 21:02

Everyone knows because we all worked together and it came out at a Christmas party.
But we got through it and he chose to forgive me. I've spent years feeling guilty but to be fair he has never thrown it back in my face even though I deserve it.
Obviously he's been holding in a lot of anger over it.
We went to a wedding a few months back and had a few drinks and I left my phone on the side and my friend (gay friend) Dan messaged me and he did have a go at me about it.
The more I write about it and think about it it's obvious he's got serious trust issues but who can blame him

OP posts:

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