Marry an abusive man for security?

[AllCharlotte]

Here's a dilemma for you.

You have an abusive partner. Emotionally abusive and occasionally physically abusive with the odd slap.

You have 2 children together and you are a SAHM. He is a high earner and owns your house. You are not on the deeds and have no money of your own.

He wants to get married but you know you should leave.

Do you marry him to gain the rights afforded to wives or do you leave and lose everything?

Leave and gain everything. It isn't a dilemma. Are you expecting anyone to say stay and get married?

I should have said that the plan is to leave but should you do it before or after you get married?

If you are able to leave now then leave. There are no guarantees that you will lose everything simply because you are not married.

Contact womens aid, make a get out plan and leave. Gain back your self respect, your confidence, the respect and trust of your children who will be observing and experiencing the abuse handed to you. You have material stability to loose, that's all, and much more to gain in the long run. (I realise it's not as easy as I put it, but you surely deserve more OP?). X

Oh right sorry. No, leave before marriage. You can't possibly marry an abuser to get money off him. He will be financially responsible for your kids regardless of marriage, and by splitting up presumably you don't want to stay in a house with him anyway. He'll be much harder to leave after marriage.

LEAVE voice of experience!

People on here so often talk about how vulnerable unmarried people are if they stay at home with the children. All else being equal, isn't it better to be married?

if you have lived in the house, contributing by raising his children you'd be entitled to something of it anyway, regardless of marriage. it's whether u could afford to fight him for it I guess. you'd also be entitled to child support, which as I understand it is percentage so if he has a high paid job could be substantial.
you absolutely cannot marry an abuser. no one will say u should.

But if your partner is abusive then all isn't equal; not by a long way.

Leave leave leave! I married my abuser and he nearly took me for everything that I had worked for!!!! It also gives him more rights too. There is no such thing as "occasional" physical abuse, it may start that way but believe me it won't stay that way. Please please please take your kids and go, now!

All being equal is a term used in thought experiments.

Situation A: You have 2 children with a man who is abusive. You have no money and no job. You are thinking of leaving.

Situation B: You have 2 children with a man who is abusive. You have no money and no job. You are married to him. You are thinking of leaving.

Objectively speaking, is B a better position than A?

Leaving is the better option. Sooner rather than later.

He still has to support his children.
And the longer you stay the longer you and your children suffer.

Can you squirrel away some money?

Don't forget that divorces can be expensive and emotionally intense.
A clean break if you're not married is much easier.

Marrying is the best option for people who aren't thinking of leaving.

Objectively speaking all SAHMs would be in a better position if they were married. You would have a claim on all of his assets even if they were in his name only as well as his pension. You could possibly make a claim for spousal support as well.

But if living wth him is destroying you emotionally and exposing yourself in danger then it's a no brainier isn't it?

IMO there is nothing to be gained by staying with an abusive partner. End of.

A man who has hit me in the past will hit me in the future and it will get worse. He will probably hit my dc too. They will probably see him hit me. No. I would leave as soon as I safety could. I am not risking my life and my children's lives, and subjecting them to abuse.

The settlement also depends upon the length of time you were married.

The other problem is, say he buys a house, yous break up - but you can't afford the mortgage.

I know someone who did this. She left after only 18 months of marriage but had put up with him for roughly five years before that.

She got a good settlement from him but he always was generous with money whereas some abusive men are the opposite

Please tell me you are not suggesting to get married under false pretences just so you can get your hands on more of his cash when you leave him ?
That is an utterly underhand and repugnant idea.

Leave now with your integrity intact.

How long will it take to arrange the wedding OP? How long are you planning to stay afterwards (I assume you're not going to leave him the next day)?

Leave now. Do not put yourself, your DC and your friends and family through a sham marriage because you think it will provide you with "security". It won't.

I'm not trying to suggest anything.

I'm wondering if given a choice between A or B which would you choose.

How are you going to convince the courts that there was recent abuse if you've just recently married?
And if they don't believe he's abusibe then he will have shared unsupervised custody.
Not worth it.

...and do bear in mind that he could actually kill you before you can leave....married or not.

Get out...get out now.

Contact Women's Aid to make a safe plan for leaving.

Who cares about money and assets when your life and that if your children could be at risk?.

I'd rather be safe and poor.

It's depends how bad the abuse is and whether the children are aware/affected. I would go for marriage if it meant short term pain for long term gain.

If he's physically abusive he's not going to take it well that you married him for security/financial reasons, is he? I wouldn't risk violence or put myself through more than I had already been through. I assume you're planning to leave soon afterwards, so it will be fairly obvious.