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Original poster

Caught him in the act

99 replies

Sicktothestomach · 22/05/2016 18:13

My partner and I and our two kids have just been to a big family gathering. We stayed overnight and took our boys camping (their first time).
I stayed sober. He didn't.
I went to bed when the boys did but couldn't sleep. Hours later he still wasn't there.
It got light and I went into the buildings for a wee and had a look round to see if I could find him.
I found him - giving oral sex to a woman half my age.
I confronted him, he's repentant, blah blah blah. He's still more sorry he got caught than for how he's made me feel.

Our boys are two and five. The older one has anxiety issues at the moment.
What the fuck am I going to do?

We've been together 9 years. We'd been talking about getting married (the kids kept asking us about it).

I will never trust him again. But our boys need their dad and I can't support us if he's not here. So, because I don't want to make any rash decisions, he's still here.
But I'm not sure pretending things are "normal" can work.

OP posts:
BirthdayBetty · 22/05/2016 20:10

Bloody hell Shock
I agree with Aye, get tested.
You poor thing Flowers

GabsAlot · 22/05/2016 20:12

wow what a crap think to do-i would get some advice it will be hard to get benefits while he is living there still

as for the kids they can still see him its not like hes gone forever-they will pick up on tension if he stays-never stay together fo the kids

Original poster
Sicktothestomach · 22/05/2016 20:13

Dilys, I'm sorry you went through that.

It's interesting about the kids being better without him.

Mine doesn't drink much often, but he was apparently beyond legless according to those who were with him. He was drinking absinthe. Stupid man.

He has an older son from his first marriage who is a bright and well adjusted young man. But they split when he was 3 so he was a weekend father, and is determined not to become one to these boys too. I told him it isn't his decision but at the moment I don't feel to inflict drastic change on them.

He's also mentioned feeling suicidal - which is why I told him to seek help. I'm not responsible for his mental health and I won't be manipulated by it.

Problem is... It's very difficult to stop caring just like that. I know the kids need a healthy environment... but I've been in the situation where my family was broken up when my father got my mum's best friend pregnant after 13 years of seemingly happy marriage. The insecurity resulting from that upheaval has affected me my whole life. It's so easy to say leave him... but I honestly don't know if I can put my kids through that.

OP posts:
GettingScaredNow · 22/05/2016 20:24

I'm currently in the 'waiting for him to move out stage'

He didn't cheat that I know about but just is a world class wanker. Manipulative and passive aggressive, verbally m, mentally and emotionally abusive.

Despite telling him it's over, seeing a lawyer and filing for divorce (I haven't sent the papers yet) he still seems to think he can wait it out or talk me round of simply just suddenly act normal.
Weeks of barely talking to each other, selling of cars and buying My own car, splitting of possessions and sorting out money etc and it's like he just doesn't believe it and is waiting for the 'storm to pass'.

Trust me, don't get into a position of living together but not being together. He will grind you down. You will always be wrong. You will be tense. Miserable. Short tempered. And he will always be waiting ready to either kick you while your down or be so nice that if you rebuff any sort of nice behaviour (for example offering you a dessert cos they come in a pack of 2 but he only wanted one) then your the asshole. And before you know it your back where u were.

Believe me. Cos I've done it over and over.
My DC are 20 months and almost 4.
I'm done this time. I'm not giving in again.
I'm prepared to be the asshole now.
I'm prepared to be told I'm wrong and I don't care anymore if he believes that cos you know what?
Fuck what he believes. I know the truth and that is the one singular important thing. That's all that matters.

Get shot of him, now. Your kids will be happier, you will be happier and then fuck cares who he goes down on and where and when.

Be kind to yourself, but be strong Flowers

AnyFucker · 22/05/2016 20:48

it's not a healthy environment when mum finds dad investigating some OW's nether regions with his tongue

and that was just the part you actually witnessed

gross

I honestly would have to get him away from me before I ended up doing time for GBH

imwithspud · 22/05/2016 21:23

Oh my gosh, that's horrific. You poor woman Flowers I certainly wouldn't want him in the family home. I'd imagine that if he is in any way sorry, he's sorry because he got caught, not because of what he's done.

Cleo1303 · 23/05/2016 00:15

You are saying you can't put your kids through the break up but they will know things are not normal.

How do you think it's going to work? That you have jolly family outings, and happy family meals, but you don't share bed and daddy goes off with whoever whenever?

If I were in your position every time I looked at his face I think where his mouth had been. Yuk.

VocationalGoat · 23/05/2016 00:26

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Daisyandbabies · 23/05/2016 06:14

That's awful, what a shitty person. I couldn't stay with a person who treated me like that. Kids are very adaptable...you are important too and everyone deserves to be treated with respect.

Dinah85 · 23/05/2016 07:57

"I know the kids need a healthy environment... but I've been in the situation where my family was broken up when my father got my mum's best friend pregnant after 13 years of seemingly happy marriage. The insecurity resulting from that upheaval has affected me my whole life. It's so easy to say leave him... but I honestly don't know if I can put my kids through that."

Surely that's exactly what you'd be avoiding by leaving him, by him staying this WILL happen again because as you say he doesn't feel empathy so guilt won't stop him or the fear of hurting you, if he's as cold as you say I'd be seriously worried about the role model he's showing your kids anyway. Next time he's caught the kids will be older, they may be the ones to catch him at it, even if they don't they'll still have a tougher time of it when they're older and understand more of the nature of adult relationships.

Original poster
Sicktothestomach · 25/05/2016 15:01

In case anyone is interested in an update...

I've had some fantastic support and a bit of advice from family and friends who know us both well.
I've trusted my judgement. I didn't make any kneejerk reactions.
Whilst letting him know I'm still angry with him, I've realised that he's actually feeling far worse than I am and he's got nobody - so I've been his friend. I've arranged counselling for myself so I can speak my truth without it punishing him. I've looked into STD tests for both of us, and Relate counselling so we can communicate positively. He's agreed to all of it, although assures me the tests aren't necessary understands my need to make sure.

Off his own back, he's transferred the car and all his earnings to me, and taken himself off to the drop in centre for addicts. He's addressing things he's been in denial about for a very long time. He came back as the person I've always known him to be underneath the mistakes.

Whether it saves the relationship isn't the issue at the moment. We're both going to be happier and healthier, and he's going to be a much more stable father to his kids.

For the record, he's not a sociopath. He's not cruel and cold. He just doesn't feel empathy. That has never stopped him trying to understand how people feel, and responding to it. He's incredibly thoughtful and kind and does good things for good reasons. That's why I was with him in the first place.

OP posts:
228agreenend · 25/05/2016 16:47

wishing you all,the best.

Original poster
Sicktothestomach · 25/05/2016 17:43

Oh and if anyone thinks I wasn't hard enough on him - when I caught him I kicked him so hard I nearly broke a toe.
Then I made him wash his mouth out with castile soap. He said it burned like acid and he was still vomiting foam hours later.

OP posts:
FirstShinyRobe · 25/05/2016 17:55

Woah!

I liked your first update, but assaulting your partner is beyond the pale, no matter what he's done.

dilys4trevor · 25/05/2016 17:58

Hmm, I'm rather with OP on the 'assault.'

Gazelda · 25/05/2016 18:01

I'm sorry OP, but your last post is awful! Bloody unhealthy.

dilys4trevor · 25/05/2016 18:11

Unless any of us have walked in on their H with his mouth buried in a naked woman's muff, whilst on a family holiday with DC, I'm not sure how we can be sure how we would react in the heat of the moment.

By 'made him' wash his mouth out I assume she insisted he did it himself rather than pinned him down.

And yeah, I might have kicked mine too had it happened to me. Lashed out in shock.

A one off in that kind of once in a lifetime shit soap opera situation hardly makes OP an abuser.

Yes the dignified thing is to turn around and walk away and then LtB but it's not that easy when faced with it, in the flesh, and getting the shock of your life.

Original poster
Sicktothestomach · 25/05/2016 18:24

Yes, it's the one and only time I've attacked him. One single kick. And yes I made him wash his own mouth out, not pinned him down and did it myself. And I didn't know castile soap burned! I just didn't want him kissing the kids until i knew he was clean.

Mumsnet, you're a funny lot. Nearly all of you told me I should make him leave, which I felt was reactionary and potentially destructive for the kids. You said he was a twat and deserved everything he gets, more or less. Instead we've behaved like grownups and tried to sort it out in a healthy and positive way for all of us.

And yet the one and only reactionary thing I did (when confronted with the actual sight of him doing what he was doing) which affected him and him only, you're calling me an abuser!

Thankfully I'm feeling in a pretty good place right now, and so is he, so I'm going to leave it here and know that the only judgements that matter are mine and his.

OP posts:
Original poster
Sicktothestomach · 25/05/2016 18:39

Except to say I only posted that because i thought you all thought I was being too soft on him. In fact one of you even said you'd have been done for GBH if it had been you.

Never mind!

OP posts:
dilys4trevor · 25/05/2016 19:27

Sick, it was brave of you to admit to your reaction at the time, esp on here, and I think it's totally understandable!

I hope things work out for you Flowers.

I think later some other posters will come back with less of a Shock than the two who were offended earlier OP.

dilys4trevor · 25/05/2016 19:28

And 'unhealthy', well yes it was rather an unhealthy situation, warranting an unhealthy reaction, IMO.

AnyFucker · 25/05/2016 19:36

I am less concerned about your physical reaction to his cheating and more that it seems to feed into the idea that he is some recalcitrant tweenager caught swearing

Washing his mouth out with soap is what my grandmother would do if she caught us kids saying "shit"

Honestly, love, what are you thinking ?

He licked out some other woman. On a family holiday. How do you overlook that without seriously compromising your sense of self ?

Gazelda · 25/05/2016 20:26

OK, OP. I'm sorry to have kicked you when you are down. Of course his behaviour is inexcusable, and I don't know that I wouldn't have reacted the same way as you did.
But I must clarify that I didn't accuse you of abuse. And I have been domestically abused in the past so maybe that coloured my post.
For the record, I'm honestly sorry that you're going through this situation - it must have turned your world upside down.
Again, I apologise for my post.

SuperFlyHigh · 25/05/2016 20:47

Did you actually tell your friends and family what you'd seen?! No didn't think so...

Seems more and more common I know of a few women who let themselves be treated like shit by a partner with kids or not and they seem to come back for more or ignore it. I'm glad I've had role models who've told me to get rid of a deadbeat.

Anyfucker has it nailed as usual!

SuperFlyHigh · 25/05/2016 20:48

He didn't only lick her out but would've probably have gone all the way in fact maybe he already had, but was licking her out afterwards, think of that one??!! Vile excuse for a man despite his other "issues".