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Original poster

Caught him in the act

99 replies

Sicktothestomach · 22/05/2016 18:13

My partner and I and our two kids have just been to a big family gathering. We stayed overnight and took our boys camping (their first time).
I stayed sober. He didn't.
I went to bed when the boys did but couldn't sleep. Hours later he still wasn't there.
It got light and I went into the buildings for a wee and had a look round to see if I could find him.
I found him - giving oral sex to a woman half my age.
I confronted him, he's repentant, blah blah blah. He's still more sorry he got caught than for how he's made me feel.

Our boys are two and five. The older one has anxiety issues at the moment.
What the fuck am I going to do?

We've been together 9 years. We'd been talking about getting married (the kids kept asking us about it).

I will never trust him again. But our boys need their dad and I can't support us if he's not here. So, because I don't want to make any rash decisions, he's still here.
But I'm not sure pretending things are "normal" can work.

OP posts:
LaConnerie · 22/05/2016 18:39

So sorry op

But imo he's definitely not 'a good dad'... A good dad wouldn't cheat on the mother of his children and risk breaking up his family.

I don't see how sharing a house with somebody you no longer trust or want to be with can be a healthy environment for a child, to be honest. Or for you.

NewLife4Me · 22/05/2016 18:41

Sorry OP.

If you can't move on from this one of you has to go.
You can't claim benefits unless you can prove you aren't still a couple and being under the same roof will be difficult for this.
Besides, how will you cope with an open relationship where he is bringing people back to the home, your home?
He wants a single life or an open relationship, you don't so he has to go.

Original poster
Sicktothestomach · 22/05/2016 18:42

Sorry - I don't know how old she was. Twenties.

I've had issues trusting him in the past as we had a kind of "we were on a break" thing. (He moved a woman into his house while we were separated to "work on ourselves" after some previous horrendous relationships.)

He's seemingly worked really hard for the last nine years to prove himself trustworthy. He's been a great partner in many ways. We were best friends.

He's slightly damaged by some past issues but I really don't know how far it absolves him of responsibility. Well, it doesn't, I know.

He's saying he'll do whatever it takes to do the right thing, by our boys anyway. He knows he's blown it with me. I've told him to quit alcohol, get tested for STDs, and seek help for his depression. He's weird. He doesn't feel empathy. I don't know if he's on the spectrum, but it's always been something we've had to work round.

OP posts:
Arfarfanarf · 22/05/2016 18:54

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Cleo1303 · 22/05/2016 18:54

He was out all night. The oral sex might have occurred because he could no longer do anything else.

Please chuck him out. If you let him back on a house-sharing arrangement I'm sure he'll try and get round you, and then he'll be looking around for the next opportunity.

See a lawyer tomorrow about the legal situation.

What a bastard. Sending you a big hug.

SuperFlyHigh · 22/05/2016 18:55

I worked in a solicitors and saw the odd case like this with our divorce lawyer. Better if you're married but yes CAB can help.

Me personally?! I wouldn't want to touch the idiot with a barge pole yet alone let him share my house and carry on an open relationship with someone else whilst he lives there...

AnyFucker · 22/05/2016 18:58

Jesus, that is rank.

You poor thing.

AdrenalineFudge · 22/05/2016 18:58

I would really work towards extracting myself from him. There's no going back after that. Sorry, I know leaving is a very difficult road in itself but that's the only option here imo.

Cleo1303 · 22/05/2016 18:59

Is the house in his name only?

228agreenend · 22/05/2016 19:01

I'm sorry this has happened. If he has done it once, he is likely to,do it again.

The trust has gone in the relationship. If he stayed at home, the dcs will pick up on that.

He can still be an involved dad, even if you separate.

AnchorDownDeepBreath · 22/05/2016 19:01

Fucking hell. He cheated on you with a stranger when you and your sons were at the same event. That's mind blowing.

Practically, if he doesn't understand how bad what he did was, there's no real way to show him. You might find that he's paying you lip service at the moment and he expects you to soften up and back down, so maybe be prepared for that.

With regards to living with him, can you afford to pay 50/50 for everything or would you be relying on him? Have you looked at how much you'd get if you were to leave him and find your own place? Your youngest is quite young so you'd still get a fair bit of help.

You'll need to lay some ground rules and hope he abides by them, and try not to be dependant on him just incase. Can you have separate rooms and beds? Make it clear you won't be doing his washing/cooking etc, and won't expect him to do yours...

Realistically it'll be tough and you'll probably want a plan to get out of the situation and away from him as soon as possible, for everyone's sakes.

Original poster
Sicktothestomach · 22/05/2016 19:19

Arf I do know that. I shouldn't have used the phrase "on the spectrum" - i think the cold and cruel behaviour is socio or even psychopathic. (Not saying he's a psychopath, just that there's something not right somewhere. It could be down to his upbringing, but mental health issues run in his family).

Anchordown, I think what you've said is the closest to how I'm feeling. At the moment I am reliant on him. I don't want to be, and I intend to work towards independence.
I've laid down ground rules, and he's sleeping in another room.

I know it's unsustainable him trying to make it up to me while getting nothing back from me in return. So, yes - sharing in this way isn't a long term plan.

OP posts:
notapizzaeater · 22/05/2016 19:23

I'd be making an appointment to see a benefits adviser and working out how you would be financially. Then I'd kick him out !

dilys4trevor · 22/05/2016 19:25

I didn't catch him in the act but I did find out he had been shagging a girl who worked for me (me and H had worked together). 15 years younger than me.

I found out at about 4pm, had it out with him at home and made him leave at 6am the next day. I changed the locks later that day as he was on about coming home. We jointly owned the house so it was unlawful but my lawyer told me that I was unlikely get into any trouble over it. He had a drinking problem and was clearly generally all over the place and we both knew that if he was at home I'd have no chance of properly ending it. He lost his position over his affair and the drinking and within a week had killed himself.

I wouldn't have done things any differently knowing that. I had to get him out to think. If I hadn't thrown him out he probably would have killed himself over something else, maybe in our home and could have involved the kids. Or he'd still be alive and I'd be trapped in a miserable cheating marriage. He would never have changed.

Wdigin2this · 22/05/2016 19:30

Leave! You will never trust him again, what's the point of holding onto something that's so obviously wrong. You will manage, many women do...it won't be easy at first, but you deserve better than this cheating rat....who hasn't even got the decency to know how badly he's behaved!

MrMainwaringsWife · 22/05/2016 19:31

Jesus Delys4 .... No words , what a cruel thing to do to you

AnchorDownDeepBreath · 22/05/2016 19:33

I forgot to say - I'm so sorry. It must have been awful to see that.

Do put your details into something like the entitled to calculator - just so you know how things would be if he wasn't around. It's always better to be prepared.

DingleberryFinn · 22/05/2016 19:39

Staying in this relationship will do your boys no favours. As they get older, they will likely be confused and conflicted about the way your DP treats you (his lack of respect/empathy will come out in other, less obvious ways, which they will pick up on). It's going to set a precedent for their future relationships, their view of what is "normal" and "okay", and how they can expect to treat and be treated in relationships.

You say your five year old has anxiety issues. I'm hazarding a guess this relates to school at that age? Are we talking medically diagnosed anxiety or day to day stuff, by which I mean general clinginess etc? I don't think that should be reason to stay, however. A prolonged "atmosphere" in the house between the two parents will contribute to anxiety in the long run. And this situation is not of your making, though sadly the onus is on you to deal with it - so don't feel guilty about leaving your DP over this. If you can't trust him, it's over. You deserve more than that, and at 5 and 2, you may be surprised how much the kids can take in their stride and adapt to change.

Pinkheart5915 · 22/05/2016 19:40
Shock What if you had one of the children when you went for a wee and looked for him? Just Awful.

I really don't know what to say to such a thing, don't let him get away with it.

FirstShinyRobe · 22/05/2016 19:42

Sicktothestomach I'm so sorry to read that you saw that. that probably wasn't the first time, so please get checked out.

Completely understand why you are going down your train of thought. And perhaps it will work in the interim, however keep in mind that it will only work if he's fully on board too. So, have a plan b.

Best of luck

dilys4trevor · 22/05/2016 19:42

Thanks Mr. Yeah, top drawer cunt.

I am not missing him at all. Neither are the kids to be honest.

I'm back at work now, still running the company (I'm MD). Everyone knows what happened. Girl was fired but some of her little mates are still there. He had slagged me off to loads of silly young girls (never grown ups, who would have seen it for what it was) who probably still believe I am the villain. He had been very competitive and jealous of my being more senior but I'm good at that job so I guess he knew he couldn't rubbish me professionally, hence slagging me off - his own wife - on a personal level to people who didn't know any better. As my therapist said recently, he vomited over every part of my life and then cleared off because he didn't like the smell. Now I feel like I am dripping in his sick and me and my lovely kids stink of it.

I hate him. But I am comforted that he has no future and ours is looking pretty bright, thanks to massive life insurance pay outs. We have lots of friends and a loving family. My job pays very well and I enjoy it.

Sorry for the hijack!

dilys4trevor · 22/05/2016 19:49

Oh and if my seven, five and two year old can adapt to what has happened to them, believe me, yours will adapt too.

Your five year old's anxiety may even improve. We had awful sleep issues with our two year old before it all came out. She started sleeping through peacefully the day I changed the locks. My seven year old's teacher said he is a happier boy now than he was last year when he was living with two parents! Because he likely picked up on the timebomb that was my H. Yours sounds like he has a drink problem too. He is not right and your five year old may know it on some unconscious level

houseeveryweekend · 22/05/2016 19:53

Oh my actual god! Thats horrific! Poor you!! I dont have any practical advice for you but i really hope you can find a way to leave as soon as possible. Its not good for children to ever see or think of their mother being treated with that amount of disrespect. I know they dont actually know right now but seriously someone who could think that was a fine thing to do to you will not stop at that and as they get older your sons may pick up on what you are putting up with. x

InformalMother · 22/05/2016 20:01

To me, that's worse then a quick shag with a random because oral is more intimate.

I know it's easy for all of us to say ltb as its not our life that's been blown apart.

AyeAmarok · 22/05/2016 20:03

I cannot believe this is the first time he's done something like this.

Do get yourself tested for STDs as soon as you can.