Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Chat

Join the discussion and chat with other Mumsnetters about everyday life, relationships and parenting.

Original poster

Wedding- He's a day guest, I'm an evening guest.

67 replies

Mitta1109 · 21/05/2016 09:10

Hi all,

Mine and my partners mutual friends are getting married. They're a lovely couple we got to know from work as we are all teachers. My partner still works at the same school as Let's call him Bob. Me and 'Clare' now work together also at the same school.

Anyway, the wedding invites came but I was upset to see that only my partner is invited to the actual wedding and I only to the evening. They have asked my partner to film the day and therefore he is invited but not me. I think it's rude to give unequal invitations to couples full stop, but also the wedding is 60 miles away, meaning that we would have to book a hotel room. So my partner will go off for the day filming for them and I have to sit on my tod in the hotel and then make my own way to the festivities later.

I've been a bit upset about it and decided that I'm just not going. Partly because I think it's a bit rude but also I don't want to waste my whole day sat in a hotel room waiting to be invited when my partner (who I've been with longer than they've been together!) is at th wedding. My partner really wants me to go but I've told him the only way I'll go is if he politely declines to film them wedding, they can get someone else easily, and comes just in the evening with me.

Am I being unreasonable? I am quite hurt by it as I really thought we were close friends. I guess that my partner is only invited to the day because of the filming but I do think it's a little selfish to even ask him. I have been married before and I had to make loads of sacrifices and invite all sorts of people just to keep others happy and I feel that they're being a little unthoughtful. I know it's their day but it doesn't mean I have to go!

Advice please!

OP posts:
BeauGlacons · 21/05/2016 10:30

YANBU and I'd be very cross with my dp if he was still prepared to do them a favour after that level of discourtesy.

RandomMess · 21/05/2016 10:35

If they are wanting him to film why aren't they paying for his accommodation...

YANBU IMHO

FetchezLaVache · 21/05/2016 10:35

I know this isn't AIBU, but YANBU. Unequal invitations are rude enough anyway, worse when you're all friends and colleagues, the distance involved makes it even worse, and the fact your DP is saving them more than enough money to feed you as well pushes it right over that particular edge! I wouldn't feel obliged to go, in those circs.

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about this subject:

Weddings
Happyinthehills · 21/05/2016 10:48

You wouldn't have to stay in the hotel room.

Is there anything you could choose to spend your DP-free day doing?

It would be kind to your friends not to make waves, understanding that they've had to make difficult choices, just like you did.

ThoraGruntwhistle · 21/05/2016 10:49

It's very weird to invite half of a couple to the whole day and only extend an evening invite to the partner. Especially since he's doing them a favour.

MovingOnUpMovingOnOut · 21/05/2016 11:01

If you have two cars you wouldn't need to sit in the hotel room at all.

I'd really like to know if the dp offered and what the arrangement there is.

It could all be a misunderstanding rather than appalling manners. Need a bit more info :)

Hagrid3112 · 21/05/2016 11:32

60 miles isn't that far to drive yourself in the evening, freeing up your day to do whatever you want.
Asking DP to pull out of filming is a bit unfair as he has already agreed to it. Is he getting paid, or is he getting fed in lieu of payment? Maybe he is only invited all day because he is filming and it's much easier to squeeze in one person, than 2. What does your DP say about it? Is he happy to go without you?
I think whether you go or not depends on how close you are with the couple.
I nearly went to a full day wedding without my DH, because it was for a really good friend and I didn't want to miss it, but it was in the middle of nowhere, so wasn't really fair to expect him to busy himself in the countryside with no car. Luckily someone else dropped out and DH got bumped up to a full day invite.

Stardust160 · 21/05/2016 11:37

Hargid getting fed in lieu of payment??? that's the least they could do. People feed there photographers they also pay them properly for the service they provide. The bride and groom have acted poorly they won't accomadate op whom they know very well ,friends with provide her with a proper invitation when her DP is doing them a favour which if they hired someone who cost 300hundred up. I think they are being pretty crass

alltouchedout · 21/05/2016 11:42

They sound rude. I wouldn't want to go either and I'd be upset if my DH didn't understand why. If they want their wedding filmed they should pay for someone to do that, not end up with situations like this where one half of a couple feels slighted and less welcome than the other.

Friolero · 21/05/2016 11:42

I don't think I'd bother going. They sound pretty rude and thoughtless, and are just after free labour with getting him to film the day.

DoinItFine · 21/05/2016 11:45

So rude.

I would not go.

They are using him and snubbing you.

Horrible people.

SerenityReynolds · 21/05/2016 11:49

I wouldn't go either. If he wasn't filming, he probably would have just got an evening invite too. As he's doing them a big favour (and saving them a load of money!), the least they could do is also accommodate you for the day.

Funnily enough, I was once in the same position but with a few glaring differences - DH had known the bride and groom for years, I had only been on the scene about 8 months. The wedding was local and didn't require an overnight stay. In you situation, YANBU.

Hagrid3112 · 21/05/2016 11:58

I agree Stardust. My photographer and videographer were both sat at a table with people I thought they would get on with and treated the same as the all day guests, and eve stayed later than contracted (8:30) to put down their equipment and have the evening food, cake and a dance.

Im just trying to find out all the details, not saying it is acceptable. Maybe the DP had said he would do it for free, so they thought feeding him would be kind of them. The cost of two guests is still (in most cases) very cheap for a videographer - professional or not.

AntiHop · 21/05/2016 19:44

That's rude. Why do some people behave so badly when they organise their wedding.

DelphiniumBlue · 21/05/2016 19:52

Possibly they haven't thought it through- are the other colleagues of bride and groom going to the evening only?
Could your dp speak to them and say that logistically its not going to work for you ad a couple unless you both attend the same parts of the wedding?
Or can you hook up with other colleagues, and go with them?

IAmTheWhoreOfBabylon · 21/05/2016 19:58

Both if you decline the invitation and watch them panic

KatieHopkinsAteMyHamster99 · 21/05/2016 19:58

How rude. Don't go,save the money that you would spend on travel, hotel, present, drinks and use it for a nice day trip/weekend away with your DP.

They are not real friends, let them pay full whack for their wedding video if they must have one. Ghastly things ime

eddielizzard · 22/05/2016 14:59

ideally neither of you go. i think it's rude.

EvilTwins · 22/05/2016 15:01

A colleague got married a couple of years ago. Several of us from work were invited to the full day, and our partners joined us for the evening. I don't see the problem.

sue51 · 28/05/2016 13:35

They are saving a fair amount of cash by using your DH's skills so the least they can do is have you as an all event guest. They sound selfish to me. I wouldn’t go.

Mrskeats · 28/05/2016 13:50

I wouldn't go
Also agree it's rude
Weddings really do seem to being the worst out in people

Ememem84 · 28/05/2016 14:08

Bit rude.

Are they paying your husband?

Newjobwoes · 28/05/2016 21:09

60 miles isn't that far to drive yourself in the evening, freeing up your day to do whatever you want

Assuming they have two cars and are prepared to pay for a further 120 miles of petrol money!! When clearly OP isn't that up for going now anyway.

I wouldn't go and I would not expect my OH to attend either. I think it's shockingly rude. *
*
*
*

Hagrid3112 · 29/05/2016 10:41

Assuming they have two cars and are prepared to pay for a further 120 miles of petrol money!!

Of course! Unless her DP can get a lift, but 60 miles isn't that far, if that's what she decided to do. It's not like I said OP was BU and should just travel, as it's not far. I was just saying that if being in a hotel by herself was the deal breaker, she doesn't have to do that. If the whole travelling thing is a massive inconvenience anyway and she would have to go with DP, then, of course, that changes things.
I wouldn't go unless they were good friends, but I couldn't ask or expect DH to back out of filming because of me. He would, anyway, and we would both just go to the evening if him backing out didn't piss off the couple enough that we were no longer welcome

pattysgotastropon · 29/05/2016 12:05

Sorry if i have misread this but you make it sound like the only option would be to sit in a hotel room waiting for the wedding to start. If the wedding is urban there are possibly things you can do locally (shops, tourist attractions etc), if the wedding is rural there is probably a whole load of countryside you could explore during the day. Alternatively you could use the opportunity to catch up on books, movies, crocheting, or what ever other hobby you never have enough time for. I may be unusual but i would love a day away from home to do something different for a change whilst knowing i have a great party to go to later.

Swipe left for the next trending thread