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Original poster

What should i do with my DS ashes

26 replies

Lillylou1991 · 18/05/2016 10:51

Sorry if this is the wrong place for this question
My DS was born asleep in november 2014. Ive had his ashes in a box with me since then but havent got a forever home or place i would want to leave him.
Im thinking maybe a house flower/plant that i can keep with me wherever i go.
I also need to be subtle, since my DS's still birth my oartner got very abusive and blamed me for getting pre eclampsia. Ive since left him and found my DP and we now have a Darling little boy called Harvey.
While he obviously knows about my first son he doesnt fully understand (who can unless it happens to them too) so i dont want it being in his face. I just want to do something subtle for me and my DS oliver that if we ever move again i can take with me.

OP posts:

girlandboy · 18/05/2016 10:57

So sorry for the loss of your little boy..

I'm not sure if this is a good suggestion or not, but if it was me then I would consider having the ashes made into a piece of jewellery and then I'd know I could always take them with me wherever I went.

Perhaps something to consider.

ugottabekidding · 18/05/2016 11:00

I'm so sorry to hear that your first little boy was born asleep. Do you have a garden/patio/balcony? You can get certain types of slow-growing small trees which you can grow in a pot which you can take with you if you ever move. I would worry about putting the ashes in a small houseplant as the plant could easily get knocked over or could die? A slow-growing tree will grow and evolve and you'll be able to sit in the garden alongside it or look at it from your window. Saying all that - this was the idea for my younger brother's ashes. He died suddenly just over a year ago and my parents have changed their minds as they worry what they'd do with the tree when they've gone as there 3 remaining siblings so right now his ashes are in a cupboard which seems very forlorn somehow. I like the idea of a tree but will have to wait for my parents to decide what they'd like to do as he was their son of course.

Good luck with your decision making process and I think Harvey can just know the tree as Oliver's tree (if that's what you decide to do). Big hug xxx

Bluecarrot · 18/05/2016 11:00

I like the jewellery idea.
I also read somewhere about a special teddy being made with the child's name, dob etc embroidered on it, and the ashes kept inside.

I'm so sorry for what you went through and hope you find the perfect idea x

Looly71 · 18/05/2016 11:03

I agree with girlandboy - I was thinking same thing.

Perhaps a locket on a chain similar to ones you can get for perfume.
I can't begin to imagine how difficult this is for you. I do understand how important it is for tou to make right decision for you and your precious first-born.

paap1975 · 18/05/2016 11:03

So sorry for your loss. I know you can get personalised urns made (I don't know the cost though). I would be worried a plant might die at some point and cause upset all over again.

WhoKnowsWhereTheTimeG0es · 18/05/2016 11:04

I'm so sorry too, I haven't experienced this sort of loss myself but I do think jewellery may be better than a plant. Potted plants don't always survive and so can't be relied on as a permanent memorial in the same way as a tree, it might add to your grief were it to die.

crayfish · 18/05/2016 11:06

If you are not comfortable scattering them, then I think the jewellery idea is lovely.

I'm so sorry for what happened you your DS and you, but I don't think you should feel you need to hide or be subtle about your sadness or feelings about the loss from your partner. I can't imagine that he would mind what you choose to do with the ashes.

YorkieDorkie · 18/05/2016 11:07

Definitely jewellery... I watched something about ashes being turned into diamonds once. Perhaps a ring or a necklace? Sorry for your loss .

JustABigBearAlan · 18/05/2016 11:07

I'm so sorry for your loss.

Is there somewhere near where you live where you might scatter them? If you found a beautiful place, you could go and sit there sometimes. Plus it doesn't matter if you move house as you'd always be able to visit.

FadedRed · 18/05/2016 11:15

Sorry for your loss.
Ashes can also be used in paint for a commissioned painting. Also like the idea of jewellery.
Maybe it's too soon for you to make a 'permanent' decision and just keeping them somewhere close is enough for the time being?
If it is too painful for a n Internet search, then a phone call to a funeral director might be helpful, and they should treat your enquirer with sympathy and understanding.

Looly71 · 18/05/2016 12:48

A picture is a lovely idea Faded.

Original poster

Lillylou1991 · 18/05/2016 13:48

Gosh thank you for the idea/ advice everyone! Im rather overcome :')
Ive just had a look into the jewlery side of it. It can get very expensive and im a stay at home mother
I never thought about the tree dying, thinking more about it ive never been able to keep plants healthy. Im one of the only people in the world that killed a cactus!! Thats plant out.
Hes been with me in his little box since 2013 (sorry typo from OP) and ive just started to feel guilty about it like ice packed him away almost

OP posts:

Looly71 · 18/05/2016 17:27

Oh you mustn't feel guilty lovely. Oliver will always be with you no matter what

GreenBeans17 · 18/05/2016 22:41

So sorry for your loss Oliver is a lovely name

I'd probably keep him in his little pot, if you can't afford a piece of jewellery. Then, at a later date, you can always get one done

ChameleonCircuit · 22/05/2016 19:26

We have our DS's ashes inside a teddy bear.

Original poster

Lillylou1991 · 22/05/2016 20:58

A teddy chameleon ? I like that. How did you do that?

OP posts:

Toffeelatteplease · 22/05/2016 21:02

What about scattering them in a place where you feel at peace. Somewhere you can go back to when you want to remember.

KittensandKnitting · 22/05/2016 21:09

So sorry for your loss, please don't feel guilty he will always be a part of you

We decided to scatter ashes under a big tree near a lake in a location that will always be there (or we hope) and has special meaning to us.

With regards to the teddy bear, if you contact your local funeral parlour they will be able to help you, it's something that was suggested to us but a peaceful place was what seemed a better option for us.

If you think jewellery is a better option for you then I would wait until you can

Ripeberry · 22/05/2016 21:15

You can dedicate a tree in a new plantation. They even put a plaque on the tree. Not sure if you can scatter ashes there, but you can visit the plantation.
The Woodland Trust have lots of ideas, they even have special urns and jewelry.

iknowimcoming · 22/05/2016 21:19

I have a type of silver locket which has a tiny amount of my dads ashes inside, I think it was cremation jewellery or something similar I googled, anyway it wasn't hugely expensive £40 ish I think, and it came with instructions etc so I did fill it myself (sorry if tmi/insensitive), the rest of his ashes were scattered but I find it comforting to have a 'piece of him' still with me. So sorry for your loss x

imip · 22/05/2016 21:30

I also lost my first dd in 2006. I did worry what to do with her ashes. Would we scatter them, where? We live half a world away from our families and I still don't know what country will end up living in for the rest of our days.

We planned on scattering them on dh's family farm at home. Been in the family for generations. I'm so glad we didn't as we've fallen out with his family, I don't like the farm. I guess I realised that we don't actually need to do anything with her ashes. My plan is that when dh and I die, our DCs can mix our ashes together and scatter them, I don't care where. As long as we are all together.

poisonedbypen · 22/05/2016 21:37

I read only yesterday that ashes are like caustic soda so would probably kill a plant. A in Australia is developing a way if making them into a substance that will feed a plant but I don't think it's available yet . They also clump when wet. Jewellery would be lovely, or just keep the ashes with you. I'm so sorry you had to experience this.

DragonmotherKhaleesi · 22/05/2016 21:43

I've got dhs ashes in beautiful urns that don't look like urns iyswim. They just look like pretty ornaments.
I have a large one and the dc each have a small one that they can keep when they are older.

Thisismyfirsttime · 22/05/2016 22:43

I'd be a bit wary of putting your DS's ashes into jewellery as it can be lost if you wear it, I know someone this happened to and it was devastating. I'd do something to be kept at home (if you don't want to scatter them) and keep them, tell loved ones to scatter you together when the time comes

Octonought · 22/05/2016 22:51

We still have the ashes of our first DS at home in the cupboard, he was stillborn in 2009. Never could decide what to do with them as we have moved around so much and didn't want to leave him behind.
My husband now knows that if I die first, they're to go with me.

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