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Original poster

DHs iPad history

45 replies

Verbena37 · 02/05/2016 14:55

Just accidentally on purpose checked DHs iPad history and was shocked at what I found.

A long list of 'divorce' type web pages Sad....stuff like 'how will my children cope with divorce' and 'sorting out the house after divorce' etc. There were about 10 or so different pages.

Things aren't amazing at the minute ( mainly due to stress from DS's ASD diagnosis) and DS having long, stressful meltdowns, during which my way of dealing with it differs sometimes from DHs.

However, yesterday, I lobbed a teaspoon towards him when he was being horrible, which hit the wall and chipped the plaster. I wasn't proud of myself but he had a massive shouting thing at me right into my ear....literally screamed at me! I know I was wrong to throw the spoon but his daily grinding me down over little things just finally got to me.

Dh works long hours where he works an hour away so I would have no idea if he was having an affair. He has very strict morals and so I don't think he would have an affair.....in the past he has always said people should just end a relationship before they start a new one. Also on his history though, there were lots of webpages of Natasha Giggs.......really odd because he usually isn't into even bothering to look at other women (so he says).

I feel really shocked and a bit empty and sick at the thought of e divorce sites.
Do you think it's because he was cross about the spoon throwing?

Wwyd? Talk to him and let him know I read the history or keep quiet and just apologise? He is very stubborn and never apologises for the awful things he says (he always swears at me in front of the children) which I hate. I always back down and either apologise if I'm wrong or keep quiet and cold for a few weeks days/weeks until he realises he has annoyed me.

OP posts:
500internalerror · 02/05/2016 15:05

Maybe he thinks you're going to instigate a break up, & he was trying to find out what might happen?

Lunar1 · 02/05/2016 15:08

I'd be looking up divorce if dh started throwing things at me. But neither of you sound happy, do you want to stay with him?

ImperialBlether · 02/05/2016 15:09

Are you desperate to stay with him?

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Relationship problems
Branleuse · 02/05/2016 15:11

He wants a divorce. Prepare yourself.

MardyGrave · 02/05/2016 15:15

Throwing stuff at someone is a highly aggressive/violent act. I'd suggest anyone in a marriage involving aggression to consider separating.

LizzieMacQueen · 02/05/2016 15:19

I think if you have access to his ipad I would monitor what he's looking at for a little longer before confronting him.

I doubt seriously he has the hots for Ms Giggs, it's just that she's a news topic at the moment.

LisaRinnasLips · 02/05/2016 15:22

Sounds like a good idea. He sounds horrible

Original poster
Verbena37 · 02/05/2016 15:24

I'm a very non-violent person but I just happened to be making a cup of tea when it happened. The fact that I didn't pick up a knife or the hot cup of tea shows I wasn't really aiming to hit him....and it didn't hit him. I'm not making excuses for it being the wrong thing to do though.

The reason he was having a go at me was because I wanted to chat calmly over a cup of tea about his thoughts from the previous night on DS. He has been having daily meltdowns that last until about 11:30 pm with sleep refusal and so DH decided to tell me in front of DS that he thinks he had schizophrenia!! DS is only 11 and so then I find him googling what it is!! By that point DH had taken himself off to bed so I hadn't retaliated with shouting or being cross etc.

So yesterday morning, I was just trying to explain to him why I don't think know it's schizophrenia when he said I was whispering too loudly (even though it was the same volume as him) and went off at me. This is common.....him ranting at me with me trying to explain my reasons about something and him shouting me down and not listening, or letting me speak. Then he walks off.

I've read everywhere about how couples should talk and discuss things calmly but as soon as I ask him to chat about something, he says I want to cause an argument and walks off. I actually NEVER want to argue with him because him in argument mode isn't nice for everyone and I'm fed up with him shouting and swearing in front of the children.

OP posts:
lateforeverything · 02/05/2016 15:26

As a total aside, Stacey Giggs is in the news atm, not Natasha, so he probably does fancy her.

But anyway I would maybe sit tight for a bit before saying anything about what I'd seen.

Original poster
Verbena37 · 02/05/2016 15:26

That's a good idea Lizzie. I know his code so could monitor it more I guess.
Perhaps it was heat of the moment googling.....I've done that before. Tbh, I suppose he could have left it in his history on purpose, hoping I'd find it and be worried.

Generally, when stress isn't high, we get on well and are best friends and have a laugh. Things are very stressful though and we don't get much sleep due to DS.

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ChicRock · 02/05/2016 15:27

Well... You throw things at him in anger and in your own words, go quiet and cold on him for a number of days or weeks, and snoop on him.

If say it's entirely likely that he's had enough and yes, he wants a divorce.

On the plus side, if he's researching how the children will cope with it, then there's every chance he will want to make it as amicable as possible.

Original poster
Verbena37 · 02/05/2016 15:28

It's defo Natasha.....there history has the direct links and I clicked on them to see what pics they are. Then deleted the last hour so he couldn't tell I'd also looked at them.

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Original poster
Verbena37 · 02/05/2016 15:29

I don't throw things at him normally.
What I meant was, I go quiet and cold if he has had an unprovoked go at me for something. I don't apologise if it's his fault but I'm not all nice and chatty if he has been off.

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ChicRock · 02/05/2016 15:32

Honestly, from the behaviour on both sides, it sounds as if divorce would be best all round. It sounds like an awful environment for your DS and it can't be helping him at all with his meltdowns.

Original poster
Verbena37 · 02/05/2016 15:45

chicrock DS doesn't know he is the cause of the stress and DHs anger.
The thing is, when we married, we made that promise to stick together no matter what and work through our problems.

He just won't chat about anything without thinking I'm having a go at him (which I'm normally not). My mum always says we need to talk more to each other but when he doesn't home until half eight some nights and DS takes forever to coax into bed and won't be asleep until about 10:30/11:30, we don't really even have an evening to chat stuff over. It's always a rush. He gets in, eats tea and then goes to bed before the kids after about half an hour of watching crap on tele.

OP posts:
Original poster
Verbena37 · 02/05/2016 15:47

My normal behaviour is one of housewife, getting kids sorted for school and cooking and cleaning. I just gave up my little part time job to try and provide more balance to family life. I hadn't worked since having kids and then had this little job for 18 months. I don't miss it but if he is thinking of divorce, I'm going to have to think about getting more self sufficient because at present, he earns everything.

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Timeforabiscuit · 02/05/2016 17:32

How do you feel about a divorce? I think the way you are planning a way forward without him in it says an awful lot.

First step would be to say you've seen the search history, agree with why he was looking and suggest a plan.

Original poster
Verbena37 · 02/05/2016 17:54

Oh gosh no, I'm not planning a way forward because I want a.divorce.....just thinking that actually, I'm totally financially dependent upon him so it makes sense for me to go back to work and not be left unable to support me and the kids if it were all to go wrong.

I was in total shock when I read the webpages he had been looking at. I'm still a bit shaky and sick feelinig even now. I can't imagine not being married to him. He is my best friend and we share everything. He is always saying I don't need to go back to work and it's a better balance with me at home doing all the home stuff while he works but I'm not happy staying at home forever.

He does get down and depressed and I'm wondering whether teaspoon throwing thing just sent him ove the edge. Before separation, if he does give me that scenario at some point, surely marriage counselling would be more worthwhile. You don't just go from hunky dory to divorce with nothing in between.

I'm definitely not saying nothing is my fault but he does have a strange personality and a very controlling one, where he has to have his own way about everything. I know that sounds selfish but we do talk stuff over and most decisions he makes, I'm happy with. I just think he is more stressed because he doesn't know how to 'fix' DS with autism. Obviously we can't fix him, but as a bloke, I think that's how he thinks.

OP posts:
DoreenLethal · 02/05/2016 17:58

The thing is, when we married, we made that promise to stick together no matter what and work through our problems

Doesn't every wedding have these sorts of vows?

Personally I think if this is the state of your marriage then you should divorce.

FeralBeryl · 02/05/2016 18:14

Have you actually apologised about the spoon?
That would change the dynamics massively in our house, bringing a physical anger into an argument.
Not for a minute judging you-I've come close myself Smile but I know DH would not accept any part of it.
Just as you threw it in anger, he may well have looked at the divorce sites in anger.
You need to acknowledge fully that you were out of line-don't tag on a 'but' like you did on here. Just apologise and then ask if it's a convenient time to have a talk about things.
Hope you're feeling a bit better Flowers

BrandNewAndImproved · 02/05/2016 18:22

I would have thrown the spoon as well.

Your husband sounds like a knob. He'd have to sort the swearing and shouting out before I'd consider staying with him. The spoon thing is a red herring here.

DoItTooJulia · 02/05/2016 18:22

Could they be links from an article rather than a Google search?

Look, it sounds to me like things aren't good at the minute. There's stress and strain from the meltdowns, the lack of evenings together (or at all) and it's got to take its toll on a relationship.

It's how to handle it-and I don't know the answer to that. But I reckon kindness and tolerance are good places to start.

I'd apologise for throwing the spoon. Tell him that you're at the end of your tether and that you see he is too. Is there anyway the two of you could get an hour or so alone to chat?

I really feel for you. I hope you can work this out.

coffeeisnectar · 02/05/2016 18:24

Have you looked into the parenting courses for children with ASD? It may help with how you deal with your child together and help him see how you can both work to help him settle. Go back to wherever you got the diagnosis from (paediatrics?) and ask for help. Short term your GP may prescribe sedatives just to give you 10 days of 'normality'.

I really do sympathise with your DS not sleeping, I have a 10 year old DD who is exactly the same and it's wearing! Dp and I get NO time together as by the time we've finally got her to bed (and staying there) we are heading to bed too. Dp is up early and so is normally asleep by 10pm. I feel like we have no evenings or time to talk. It puts a huge strain on any relationship.

I think you know you shouldn't have thrown the spoon but I would say 'DH I'm sorry I threw the spoon. I'm just worn down with the stress of everything, why don't we sit down and have a chat for an hour and see how we can make life easier for us all'.

You could also try both sitting and writing down the things you are both unhappy with (to avoid the shouting match that could ensue if you talk directly) and also see if he's willing to go to counselling either together or separately or both.

Original poster
Verbena37 · 02/05/2016 18:24

Thanks Feral. Not feeling great tbh and have a tight chest from worry but I'll be ok in a bit.
No, I haven't apologised yet about spoon. I know I need to. I did tell DH that I've polyfilled it and said I'd sandpaper it smooth later.
It's so hard to talk to him when I try to do it discreetly away from the kids and then he goes and blares wear words at me loudly so kids hear.
I'll give apologising about the spoon a go after tea though.

OP posts:
Original poster
Verbena37 · 02/05/2016 18:28

Thank you everybody. They're all really good ideas.
No matter when I try and chat when he is calm, he always sees it as an argument and I rarely,, if ever, raise my voice.

Will give all those ideas a go later.

Thanks. Smile

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