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Original poster

DHs iPad history

45 replies

Verbena37 · 02/05/2016 14:55

Just accidentally on purpose checked DHs iPad history and was shocked at what I found.

A long list of 'divorce' type web pages ....stuff like 'how will my children cope with divorce' and 'sorting out the house after divorce' etc. There were about 10 or so different pages.

Things aren't amazing at the minute ( mainly due to stress from DS's ASD diagnosis) and DS having long, stressful meltdowns, during which my way of dealing with it differs sometimes from DHs.

However, yesterday, I lobbed a teaspoon towards him when he was being horrible, which hit the wall and chipped the plaster. I wasn't proud of myself but he had a massive shouting thing at me right into my ear....literally screamed at me! I know I was wrong to throw the spoon but his daily grinding me down over little things just finally got to me.

Dh works long hours where he works an hour away so I would have no idea if he was having an affair. He has very strict morals and so I don't think he would have an affair.....in the past he has always said people should just end a relationship before they start a new one. Also on his history though, there were lots of webpages of Natasha Giggs.......really odd because he usually isn't into even bothering to look at other women (so he says).

I feel really shocked and a bit empty and sick at the thought of e divorce sites.
Do you think it's because he was cross about the spoon throwing?

Wwyd? Talk to him and let him know I read the history or keep quiet and just apologise? He is very stubborn and never apologises for the awful things he says (he always swears at me in front of the children) which I hate. I always back down and either apologise if I'm wrong or keep quiet and cold for a few weeks days/weeks until he realises he has annoyed me.

OP posts:

Startingover2016 · 02/05/2016 18:28

Natasha Giggs had a long-term affair with her brother-in-law. That wouldn't be relevant would it?

Original poster

Verbena37 · 02/05/2016 18:30

I'm currently just waiting to print out the form for a parenting ASD course. No doubt it will only be me doing it. DH refuses to hardly speak about it and has said we aren't allowed to tell friends so as they don't judge him.

OP posts:

meffhead · 02/05/2016 18:30

Our ASD son has melatonin and Chloral hydrate to sleep ... It means we can get him off easier. He usually wakes at about 2am and that's it for the day but me and DH find we need the evening for us to be somewhat "normal"..... I do the getting up with DS and try to catch up when 3dc have gone to school.
Is have probably thrown more than the spoon TBH !!!! Life with our kids is so much harder and the dads only see what happens for half an hour a night and weekends. Sometimes if I go into town on my own at the weekend DH says "don't be ages " and I am ... Ha ha ha xxx

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Original poster

Verbena37 · 02/05/2016 18:34

Think he is finding the whole ASD thing hard to deal with.

OP posts:

FlyingScotsman · 02/05/2016 18:36

I think you need support as a family to deal with your ds.
I would be looking at counselling, but family counselling so you can try and be on the same page as to how to deal with your ds with his SN.

That's me starting with the idea that you are both under extreme stress with the issues your ds has and neither of you are dealing with it well (and not the same way either!)

His way to solve the problem seems to be to be leaving. I suspect he expects you to be the RP and then have very little stress in his life thereafter.

I actually agree with you re being financially independent. Having gone through a phase where we nearly got divorced, I would never again out myself in that place. The thing is, if you do find another job, the stress in the hoouse will increase again and yoour DH is unlikely to be happy about the move either...

Ginslinger · 02/05/2016 18:37

people go through awful times and sometimes they come out the other side together - I know it's not great at the moment but you're obviously keen to work on it and you know that the teaspoon throwing was wrong but it's no reason to think that it should be the end.

for you

Ginslinger · 02/05/2016 18:38

is Home Start still around - they might give you some support

FlyingScotsman · 02/05/2016 18:40

YY about the parenting course for a child with ASD.
You need to find a way to force convince him to do it too.

Yes it's a hard diagnosis to accept but then he can't change who his ds is either....

What sort of support do you have atm? Anyone yu see on a regular basis that would be able to give you some idea about the melatonin mentioned before or any other 'trick' you could use to ease things off?
Is that much of an issue if your ds doesn''t go to sleep until 11.00pm (ie do you have to spend 2 hours cooling him to go to sleep)? Or is it ore that he ends that much time to wind down?

VocationalGoat · 02/05/2016 18:45

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster

Verbena37 · 02/05/2016 19:00

The ASD is high functioning and tbh, sometimes it seems like there is no ASD at all. However, he has very high anxiety pretty much all the time and massive sensory issues (hyper not hypo).

Not keen on the melatonin idea because of the side effects although perhaps getting some for a couple of weeks may help. He sleeps through once asleep so we are lucky not to have a nighttime of waking. He has so many rituals though and they are mostly all directed at me so DH gets off lightly and rarely sees the big melt downs which tend to happen once ds is back from school. Even if we begin the bedtime routine at 7:30 he would still be peeing about at half ten/eleven.

OP posts:

FeralBeryl · 02/05/2016 19:55

Have you posted on the boards here re: children with additional needs? The posters over there are truly amazing and may have some more advice for you too.
Try and take some nice deep breaths and get that chest loosened back up eh.
I've posted this elsewhere today but,
This too shall pass
You are ok, and you will BE ok regardless.
It sounds like your DH is struggling massively with the idea of his son not being perfect mine does this too (hence the near spoon incident) would he entertain the idea of counselling? Not even with you at this point-just for somewhere for him to vent in able to leave him with enough clarity to discuss things with you.
Would it also be helpful to keep a diary of DS day including massive meltdowns etc so when you do sit down with him, he can see exactly what you're having to cope with?
Oh, and probably not possible logistically at the min, but if it is, I highly recommend a hot yoga session. That hour away from life the home and having your mind forcibly cleared works wonders for the panicky feelings.
Do you have any help locally for people to come and sit with the kids while the two of you go out, even for a long walk together?

insancerre · 02/05/2016 20:02

Serves you right for snooping
Honestly people deserve some privacy
I would be livid if dh looked at my internet history. Not because I've got anything to hide, but some things are just private and if I wanted him to know certain stuff then I would just tell him

Daisyandbabies · 02/05/2016 20:04

If you want to save your marriage, I think you need to drop talking about your son's problems (just for a short time, I don't mean for long). If all your alone time is taken up with discussing negative things then obviously, things are going to start to crumble.
I'm not sure if I'd ask him about the history yet...if I wanted to save my marriage, I would plan a night away, just you two, or even just dinner and a few drinks. No mention of anything negative and see how things go from there. If things don't start improving after you making an effort then I guess I would ask him if he's happy in your marriage or not.
Good luck

Original poster

Verbena37 · 02/05/2016 20:13

Insancerre I was snooping on purpose but not to look for anything like that about divorce......I was trying to find a video on erecting a garden shed I knew he had shown my dad earlier today. But yes, perhaps I shouldn't have looked at all.

I think I will try and get my parents to babysit on Friday and book a restaurant. Although he tends to think I'm trying to corner him into talking about stuff if I book a table for dinner! I can't win!

OP posts:

FlyingScotsman · 02/05/2016 20:27

Sometimes, it's better to just get on with things wo talking about them.
I have done that with DH when dc2 was 'hard work'.
It can't be long term though.

insancerre, tbh I think it's just as bad to be looking at getting divorce wo trying to sort things out with your partner first. Or to refuse to acknowledge a diagnosis and leaving all the problems to sort out with your partner whilst venting your frustration on her....

Original poster

Verbena37 · 02/05/2016 21:24

We had a quiet moment in the garden alone and I apologised for the spoon incident. He said it's becoming a habit and I said it wasn't. I said I aimed for the wall, not him. He said I was aiming for him but had a crap shot so it missed.....and then he laughed.

I told him I knew it was wrong to vent my feelings in that way. He said he had a fleeting feeling of wanting to lob his hot coffee over to me but chose not to. I said I could, have picked up a knife instead of a teaspoon but chose the spoon. We had a giggle and I asked him if he accepted my apology. He said he did.

I said we need to go out just the two of us for a break and some drinks and food. He agreed and asked me to pass him another nail (he was still putting up the shed).

I feel much better since apologising and I'm going to try and be much more aware of how I phrase things and make sure we talk more.

Thanks for everyone's help.

OP posts:

coffeeisnectar · 02/05/2016 21:34

That's a lovely update. I'm glad you could both talk and laugh at how silly things have got.

I hope you can both work on moving forward and get over this blip. No marriage is plain sailing and most couples go through a patch of arguing but it seems your relationship is worth fighting for and I hope you can work it out.

FeralBeryl · 02/05/2016 23:32

Oh fabulous news Verbena
You've got this.
And well done apologising too, you were soo the bigger person there.

DoItTooJulia · 03/05/2016 07:29

Whoop whoop! Great stuff!

LizzieMacQueen · 03/05/2016 08:44

So he has built himself a shed.....that's excellent progress .

Every solid marriage needs a 'mancave'.

Seriously though, it sounds like you'll be okay.

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