Should I tell mum her 6yr old DD is shaping up to be ‘that girl?’

[vandasma]

My DD has a few times mentioned that a girl in her class likes kissing boys and her nick name now is “KissyLilly” (not her real name).

I’ve seen her ‘in action’ at a few birthday parties, and noticed that her mum always laughs it off.

Earlier this week, I bump into Lily’s mum who tells me her dd is unhappy at school
and being bullied –naming the boys that my dd says Lily likes to take behind the trees! I get the feeling the boys are being nasty to her in class to cover up for whatever’s going on behind the trees. I’ve tried drawing the mum’s attention to the kissing stuff in a subtle way but she finds it cute and can’t seem to make the link with the"bullying,"

Worse, other girls are starting to draw away. My dd says she doesn’t invite her to play because, “Lily only knows yucky kissey games.” I am worried for this girl – would you speak to school / have another go with mum / steer clear and myob?

The behaviour you have described is a red flag for her being a victim of sexual abuse.

TBH that was my first thought, don't have any child protection experience - but then not sure mum would be the best person to talk to if that was the issue.

TBH that was my first thought, don't have any child protection experience - but then not sure mum would be the best person to talk to if that was the issue.
Was it? That's not how your thread title reads. "Shaping up to be that girl" really isn't a nice way to talk about someone you suspect is being abused.

Taking you at face value, co tact the school and ask to speak to their safeguarding officer, or ring the Nspcc for advice.

Pagwatch you are odd if the only issue you see here are the last two words of my post.
Who wants their (or anyone else's) child ostracised in year 1 of a 1 form entry primary - in a one school village?

Really, I'm odd? You wrote that op and you think I'm odd?

I posted twice. My primary concern about your post was about your faintly prurient tone when discussing a six year old girl coupled with the way in which you clearly wanted to blame and label her for issues which probably have their basis elsewhere.

The thing about the boys bullying her is actually important because, alongside your use of 'that girl' you seek to imply that this 6 year old girl is bad or wrong and the boys are simply ordinary boys responding to the inherent dodginess of this child. In the same way that you excuse your daughters name calling. Because the girl asked for it through her behaviour.

But sure. If you think your attitudes are normal, I'm happy to be odd

#I want my mum - looking for different perspectives. Our community is too small to risk mentioning it to other mums would bounce round the whole village by the end of morning play

I'd be more concerned that any child calling this kid "KissyLilly" was more likely to be "that child"......that child who is mean to others.

You made all that up read all that into my words?

Speaking as a lawyer in my previous life, I'm impressed

It sounds like the poor child is being exposed to some dodgy Tv.
Worth mentioning to the school.
The little girl is just confused.

god yes, because being a lawyer means it's impossible to be judgemental or at all stupid.

I didn't make anything up. The stupid strike through isn't witty or amusing. Perhaps if you actually expressed yourself clearly instead of using a highly loaded phrase like 'that girl' , half the thread would not have been as incredulous as I was.

If the behaviour at school is concerning to you as a a bullying and/or safeguarding concern, you need to report it to the school - not the parent.

I'm surprised you wouldn't have thought of that.

As a lawyer you presumably have a pretty good understanding of the laws - and appropriate language - governing child protection. I would suggest you cast your mind back to your legal learnings, have a quiet word with the school, and permanently erase the term 'that girl' in this context from your vocabulary with immediate effect.

I would concentrate on your attitude and the influence it's having on your daughter.

Sounds to keep like you are allowing name calling and judgement of a 6 year old child because you think she deserves it.

Giving the mother what you perceive to be home truths may well result in you hearing a few too.

Is it just kissing going on behind the trees?( I ask because there was a case in my DCs' primary where a child was being sexually abused in the playground by an older boy, it does happen) The fact that inappropriate behaviour is taking place behind the trees where presumably it can't easily be seen by lunchtime supervisors or teachers makes me pause.

Do not talk to the mother, do not even mention it to the mother. Make an appt with the school & share your concerns.

I'm with the majority of posters on this thread - "that girl" is a shocking phrase to use in connection with a 6 year old.

The school need to be told even if it is not a safeguarding issue, because this girl is being bullied by the boys - calling her names and ostracising her is bullying.

I do remember kiss-chase in playgrounds from my school days (lost in the mists of prehistory), and my DS (aged 8) tells me it is still a thing - and a thing he, like me, hates being on the receiving end of. But I also second those who say if this little girl seems incapable of playing any other games, this may be a red-flag for something more dangerous.

So I suggest you let the school know, in a factual way (which presumably as a former lawyer you are well equipped to do), without using any victim blaming terms like "that girl."

When I was at school from 6 upwards there were mild flirtation games eg odd kiss chase but more dancing around being "flirty/kooky" and copying stuff like Grease dance moves.

When i was 7 or 8 I moved to another primary school for a year, was totally isolated struggled to make new friends and the ones I did have had "boyfriends" one of the older boys there did touch me below, I had no idea what he was doing, knew it was wrong told him to stop but in a stupid way felt validated by other friends, I saw a GP about this and after a year (think it happened towards end of school year) I left the school as I was unhappy there anyway and went back to my primary school but now junior.

We then had kiss chase etc but I was never that involved in it. Other friends had the kiss chase but some kids were avoided (eg my best friend was a bit neglected and I think some kids picked up on that as another little boy who was seriously neglected and rarely at school).

The thing that screams out to me about this post is your judgment of this little girl, calling her a name, and telling your DD that you obviously don't approve of her.

If anything yes the safeguarding aspects should be looked into because you never know what's happening at home etc.

The bullying and judgmental aspect of you and your DD against this child though is something which makes me physically sick. Maybe she's teaming up with the boys (as some girls do) because she knows the other girls dislike her, maybe she's a tomboy. Would it seriously harm you to have her over on a play date and encourage your DD and you to be friendly towards her??

Somehow I don't think you'd be the right people though.

Poor little girl. And I'd give you a piece of my mind if you dared to speak to me using your choice words of "that girl" and what it implied.

Good god and you're a lawyer too! That is shocking! I work with them (some good some bad).

kennington has it soot on the poor child is probably being exposed to dodgy TV at worst and is confused.

A bit like I was when this older boy touched me, I was desperate to fit in and was an introvert anyway (but being manipulated by my 2 "friends" at my new school).

Is this a thread about slut shaming a six year old girl?

Fortunately the thread itself isn't slut shaming - it's largely people calling OP on the phrasing of her title/post and the attitudes underlying it. I'm hoping it is perhaps useful, in that it may give OP some food for thought on how to tackle it - I'm of the opinion that it should be reported to the school.

It is really slut shaming and I will report it too. Vile poster.

lurcio OP is a judgmental cah (cow!) would she like it if someone thought that way about her darling little girl?! No, thought not.

I think it's useful actually to illustrate how embedded is the idea that girls are good or bad. And that sexual responsibility always lies with the girl being 'easy' or 'that girl' even in early childhood.

The boys are talked about as if they are helpless and any kissing and subsequent bullying is not their fault but hers.

It's grimly fascinating.