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Original poster

Father needing advice urgently.

48 replies

IzzyRose · 09/04/2016 21:47

Ok I know a lot of you probably won't want to get involved for one reason or another but I'm crying out for some advice.

Basically I'm a single dad, see my 5 year old daughter at the weekends as per the arrangement between her mum and myself.

The reason I'm here today is because I figured out that she had been lying to me about which school my daughter attended, for whatever reason. Now this isn't the first lie that's been told, as there have been multiple lies regarding my daughter.

Now I'm planning to call her mother out on it, as I'm absolutely fuming that as my child's father, I'm having certain details of my daughters life blatantly omitted, and after so long as well.

I feel completely defeated by it all and I'm at breaking point. I'd love to be able to just take full custody of my child but I really don't know what to do. Sad

OP posts:
VimFuego101 · 09/04/2016 21:55

Sorry to hear that. We've had years of this sort of thing, it really wears you down.

Do you have parental responsibility for your daughter? Is there an official custody/ residency order or is it just agreed informally?

whattodoforthebest2 · 09/04/2016 22:06

I'm sorry you're going through this. Doesn't your ex realise that the more you can be involved in your DD's life, the better it will be for her? Why is she trying to make things difficult for you?

I can't imagine you'd get full custody unless you are able to establish that she's unfit to parent your DD.

I suppose as she gets older it will be more difficult for her mum to hide the truth.

Original poster
IzzyRose · 09/04/2016 22:18

Would a past alcohol addiction play in my favour? I'm not trying to one up the evil cow, but I've really reached my wits end. If I can't be kept in the truthful loop about my own child then what is the point in me being her father?

OP posts:

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5 year olds Families
Original poster
IzzyRose · 09/04/2016 22:19

VimFuego, it's an informal weekend agreement. We never went through courts as we were sort of amicable at the beginning of the break up.

OP posts:
GooseberryRoolz · 09/04/2016 22:21

You need a court order defining contact, communication from schools etc, but try to get out of the habit of even thinking 'evil cow'. Be as dispassionate and factual as you can.

APlaceOnTheCouch · 09/04/2016 22:23

Surely there's a lot more to being a father than being kept in the loop? 😞 I am pretty confused how you have managed to jump to 'what's the point' of you being a father.

If I were you, I would make sure I had the correct information and that it hadn't been a misunderstanding rather than a lie. Then formalise all communication between you using solicitors if necessary. What you don't do is turn your DD's life upside down because you're annoyed with her mum.

whattodoforthebest2 · 09/04/2016 22:24

I don't think that dragging up the past will help unless it's relevant to what's happening now. Try and maintain the moral high ground if you can - see your DD as often as possible, work on keeping the lines of communication open with your ex and maybe she'll stop trying to make life difficult for you.

Hidinginplainsite · 09/04/2016 22:27

Lying about her school is a strange thing to do, is there any reason she may have done that?

Who's past addiction hers or yours? Not that it matters, anyone successfully overcoming an addiction is to be applauded.

I'd lose the name calling, it won't get you anywhere

YouAreMyRain · 09/04/2016 22:30

If I discovered that my ExH had referred to me as an "evil cow" I might consider limiting his contact with our DC and/or moving their school and lying to him about it.

I would think that he was a bitter misogynist to use terminology like that.

CherryPicking · 09/04/2016 22:30

C'mon whatever she's done, you can't really believe she's evil, or surely you'd involve children's services?

You loved her once, chances are she hasn't changed beyond recogniton. I really dislike the way men often start referring to their exs as being sub-human in some way. Try to find some empathy for her and work out exactly what's happening here before you dive off the deep end.

RudeElf · 09/04/2016 22:33

Would a past alcohol addiction play in my favour?

No. And a judge has seen every trick in the book so dont waster their or your time.

If i cant be kept in the truthful loop about my own child then what is the point in me being her father?

Are you serious? You dont understand what a father is? Why is what your ex partner is telling you anything ti do with you being a decent father to your daughter? The two are unconnected. Your relationship with your daughter should not be based on how you feel about your ex. Grow up.

Smartiepants79 · 09/04/2016 22:33

If I was you I'd be making sure I was doing all the things I was supposed to as a first step. Being on time for all contact etc.. Paying all maintenance that's owed.
The speak to her mother and try and work out why she's lying.
Then you may need to start looking at court proceedings to get some kind of legally binding agreement.

ATruthUniversallyAcknowledged · 09/04/2016 22:34

Why would she lie to you? Any ideas?

RandomMess · 09/04/2016 22:39

I'm surprised that you've only just realised that you don't know which school your DD is at?

Does that mean you haven't asked about going to parents evenings, school assemblies, to see her school newsletters etc?

I would focus on informing your ex that you want to be included in your dds school life as you are entitled to be. Once you have the name of the school where your dd is just get in touch with them and ensure that you are sent all letters, reports, go to parents eve etc.

Perhaps your ex was worried you wouldn't approve of her choice? Did you not get involved in looking at schools for her etc?

You will achieve little kicking off at your ex over so I would focus on changing the dynamic so you are more involved.

LadyMonicaBaddingham · 09/04/2016 22:39

Are you paying maintenance? Sorry to ask if you are but it never ceases to amaze me how often non resident fathers whinge about their rights when providing absolutely no financial support whatsoever.

Backingvocals · 09/04/2016 22:40

It's pretty extreme to mislead you about something so central to your child's life. It also seems pretty pointless. Do you have any sense of why she's doing this?

RudeElf · 09/04/2016 22:43

Yes why have you only realised now? I assume your child has been in school since at least september. Why havent you been to parents' evening, asked the school to send duplicate letters/progress reports etc to you? Havent you had to do any pick ups? Didnt you even ask to see a photo of her on her first day of school in her uniform?

VimFuego101 · 09/04/2016 23:15

I would start by getting parental responsibility, if you don't already have it. Are you on the birth certificate?

twirlypoo · 09/04/2016 23:23

How have you never realised till now? Where did you attend parents evenings / sports days etc?

I actually really felt for you until the evil cow comment. That just makes me wonder about her side of the story.

StarUtopia · 09/04/2016 23:27

You'd love to take full custody of your child..

And remove the most important person from your child's life?! Wtaf..

you'd be happy to completely upset your own child??

Obviously more to this story than meets the eye. Focus on building a great relationship with your daughter. In 20 years time, that's what matters. You start dicking about now trying to discredit her Mum, you'll only ruin your relationship with your daughter. Trust. me.

UmbongoUnchained · 09/04/2016 23:28

You sound a bit of a dick OP that's probably why.

RudeElf · 09/04/2016 23:30

Yeah wants full custody but up to this point had never even collected the child from school or spoken to her teacher Hmm

UmbongoUnchained · 09/04/2016 23:31

Trying to drag up past alcohol abuse is a really wanky thing to do as well.

RudeElf · 09/04/2016 23:33

"Past alcohol abuse" = she got pissed a few times in uni.

VelvetSpoon · 09/04/2016 23:40

If the OP only has access to his DD at weekends (I'm guessing Fri eve-Sun eve) he wouldn't do pickups from school. That's not too hard to understand surely?

As for parent's evenings etc, my DC's school only had these in summer term, so again not too extraordinary. And some schools will only communicate with one parent (at the school my DS attends, my Ex wanted to see copies of letters - the school were very reluctant, and ended up phoning me to ask if I minded? Which of course I didn't).

OP, there's a couple of ways to go about this, depending on what you know of your Ex and how she's likely to react. You could raise it with her at pick up/drop off 'Oh, DD mentioned she's going to X school and not Y...I hadn't realised?'...but of course if your Ex is likely to go off like a rocket in response and say it's nothing to do with you/keep your nose out, etc, it might be better not to mention it.

If you think you're going to get a bad reaction, I'd be tempted to a) make contact with the school directly, to check you can get copies of letters, details of meetings etc (again, hopefully not like my DS's school). I'd also b) get the current access/contact arrangements formalised by the court, because if things do deteriorate between you and Ex, it will be better if you have an order which sets out contact days and times.

I get the what's the point comment entirely. As I read it you're saying why is your Ex wanting you to play a role in your child's life, caring for her at weekends etc, when she won't even be straight with you about simple info (that you should know. Have the school even got your contact details in an emergency? I suspect not). I don't think you're saying you see no point in being her father - just that you're understandably frustrated with your Ex. I think the best way to deal with it is to strengthen your own position (and make sure that you're squeaky clean in terms of regular contact with your DC, paying agreed maintenance, etc).

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