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Original poster

Father needing advice urgently.

48 replies

IzzyRose · 09/04/2016 21:47

Ok I know a lot of you probably won't want to get involved for one reason or another but I'm crying out for some advice.

Basically I'm a single dad, see my 5 year old daughter at the weekends as per the arrangement between her mum and myself.

The reason I'm here today is because I figured out that she had been lying to me about which school my daughter attended, for whatever reason. Now this isn't the first lie that's been told, as there have been multiple lies regarding my daughter.

Now I'm planning to call her mother out on it, as I'm absolutely fuming that as my child's father, I'm having certain details of my daughters life blatantly omitted, and after so long as well.

I feel completely defeated by it all and I'm at breaking point. I'd love to be able to just take full custody of my child but I really don't know what to do.

OP posts:

RudeElf · 09/04/2016 23:45

If the OP only has access to his DD at weekends (I'm guessing Fri eve-Sun eve) he wouldn't do pickups from school.

Child gets sick, mum at work, granny not available, childminder lets them down, mum's shift changes. Any number of reasons why the other parent would need to do a pick up.

Why would a school refuse to send letters/reports to one of the child's parents? (That had PR)

VelvetSpoon · 10/04/2016 00:03

Well he'd only get a call in an emergency if the school had his contact details - which given he hadn't even been told what school she attended, seems unlikely. The point I was making was that it was unlikely given the contact arrangements that he's be regularly doing school pickup.

My understanding is some schools are reluctant to correspond with 2 (separated) parents because of concerns over child protection, confidential info etc.

RudeElf · 10/04/2016 00:07

Well he'd only get a call in an emergency if the school had his contact details

I meant that the mum would have called him to see if he could pick her up. But maybe mum doesnt work or has loads of family/friends on hand to step in.

Anyway, he is clearly not that interested or involved if its taken him until now to realise she isnt at the school he thought she was. Unless she moved very recently.

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about these subjects:

5 year olds Families

zippey · 10/04/2016 01:09

Calling your ex evil isn't going to help anyone. She isn't evil. Just because she might tell lies, doesn't mean she is evil.

Why would she lie do you think? Maybe it's a misunderstanding? Maybe she doesn't think you need to know? Have you asked her?

Do you pay maintenance? Don't bring up the past. The past is the past. Bringing this up is not in the best interests of the child, and neither is trying to get custody.

Helloandgoodbye · 10/04/2016 06:54

I have seen women on MN call there exP's all sorts of names and no one says a word - man says 'evil cow' and everyone kills him. Didn't he say his daughter is 5? When my child was 5 she had one sports day held in the daytime for an hour in the morning then carried on with normal school work.why would he know? If he is calling her an evil cow I'm guessing there is a lot more to the story, why has everyone jumped to her defence? I feel sorry for the men that come to this website for advice.

RoobyTuesday · 10/04/2016 07:27

Well if the OP whisk come back and answer some of the questions about why it's taken him over 6 months to realise he's never been to a parents evening, had a school report, met school friends of his daughter etc then that would be helpful. I too had a child start school in September, we've been to about 15 parties as they all tend to invite the whole class in reception, a good way for parents to get to know each other. Odd that if oP has his daughter every weekend he's never been to a school friends party with his DD? And if he had surely the school would be mentioned in conversation at some point? Very odd.

peggyundercrackers · 10/04/2016 07:43

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

RoobyTuesday · 10/04/2016 07:55

But surely if both parents are equal then both would be asking when open evening was? Want to look round the school? What about Christmas nativity? Are you all really saying that you have never been to your child's school or met their school friends in over half of the school year?

Sunshine87 · 10/04/2016 08:09

Nothing worse when things don't someone ones way they claim they are going for full custody it's a child possession.

Using someone's past addiction if it was an addiction when they are recovered is wrong.

As for the school situation she may have her own concerns about you as a parent hence not disclosing information. It's hard to judge without knowing the full history you could been emotionally abusive or she could be difficult. There's always two sides to a story some cases three.

I think this is a case when mediation is required to iron anything like these things so it doesn't escalate further.

Micah · 10/04/2016 08:23

Dh's ex has purposely never told him about parents evenings, dr's appointments etc. She didnt want him there, preferring to present a family front with her new man.

We frequently have to get a legal letter written to point out dh's legal rights, and the school/dr keep us informed for a while, until she goes in and removes dh as a contact.

He is allowed no input in choosing schools- even 6th form has been his ex's decision. We just found out younger child is on some heavy duty medication, which apparently we don't need to know about.

It seems to be the default that schools, hcp's etc wont talk to a father without the mother present. Unless you point out legally that they have to.

People here are being very harsh. It is completely posiible to keep a father out of a childs life, particularly if he doesnt have the cash for a solicitor every 5 minutes.

APlaceOnTheCouch · 10/04/2016 09:35

And it gets much easier to keep a father out of a child's life if their response to a problem with their ex is (a) to question what's the point of being a father and (b) to say they want full custody.

I am struggling with the concept that anyone genuinely thinks their DC could be at school for between 6 and 8 months depending on where in the country the OP lives and their DC would never have mentioned school; there would have been no school photos; there would never have been an outing mentioned; a concert or an activity; no parties at the weekend; and never a single piece of homework or crafting that had to be completed over the weekend.

That is what posters are basing their response on. All these 'oh men are treated so badly' posters - show me a post from a mother who knows so little about their child's life that doesn't also get a hard time. In fact show me any thread on here that has unanimous support for an OP. It's so bloody rare that it's always a matter of comment. The OP has had a mixed response. As do the majority of posters. It's just if it's a woman, there isn't a chorus line of posters lining up to say oh the poor woman . . .

twirlypoo · 10/04/2016 09:53

To put this in some context - my Ds dad lives abroad (he moved there on purpose when j became pregnant) he sees Ds every 4-6 weeks. He knows which school Ds attends (even if he doesn't know his favourite food / toys etc) because if nothing else, Ds told him when he first went there! He was shown a photo of him on his first day, Ds told him his teachers name and the name of his friends in his class. He attended nativity at christmas and whilst I forwarded his school report I don't know if it was read or not. One of his school friends parties was on a weekend when he was here.

Ds dad couldn't really be more uninvolved and he knows the bare bones. I find it really hard to believe a father SO involved with his child that he wants threatens main residency could not know his information. Unless there's a whole other side to this story we aren't hearing

Whatthefreakinwhatnow · 10/04/2016 09:58

I find it really hard to believe a father SO involved with his child that he wants threatens main residency could not know his information. Unless there's a whole other side to this story we aren't hearing

I agree twirly, it's very odd

Micah · 10/04/2016 10:34

It is possible.

Dh's ex threw him out for another man. For the first year she dropped the kids off and picked them up from his mums, and he collected them there.

She wouldn't let him back to the family home (because other man was there). None of their mutual friends or family was allowed in. So dh had his kids fri-sun, and wed eve, but never saw their home, their school (because Om was dropping off/picking up). She never told him about medical appointments.

He did get a lawyer, but she'd smile, nod, agree to keep him informed, then do none of it.

Short of applying for rp (which he tried and was advised it would just line lawyers pockets, as she wasn't a risk to the kids), or phoning every school and gp in the area- which he tried but understandably they wont confirm to randoms whether a child attends.

RudeElf · 10/04/2016 11:44

Rude elf fuck off and go and berate someone else instead. Maybe you haven't noticed lots of woman calling their ex's names and making up all sorts of stuff - oh that's right you have noticed but you haven't said anything about it - maybe you just dislike men

Think you've directed that at the wrong poster. Ive said nothing about him calling her names. Hth.

RudeElf · 10/04/2016 11:48

I actually find it very easy to believe a parent who wasnt that interested could go for 6 months without knowing what school his child goes to. That's his prerogative, he doesnt have to care. What i find utterly baffling is how that parent would then think they stood any chance of having full custody of this child they apparently dont even ask about school.

RoobyTuesday · 10/04/2016 12:00

Micah did he not just ask the children what school they went to?

UmbongoUnchained · 10/04/2016 12:02

Micah if your husband wanted to know about his children's medical records or schooling all he has to do is phone them and ask and produce a copy of their birth certificate.

VelvetSpoon · 10/04/2016 12:45

I've known kids in a similar situation to that Micah described to be actively told by their mum not to tell dad about schools etc as it's not his business. Dad then doesn't push kids as can see they're distressed.

As for school photos, thosr were done summer term in my DC school. And just showed DC in same generic uniform as half the primary's in our area. So wouldn't necessarily raise suspicion.

GabiSolis · 10/04/2016 16:33

This is weird I agree, but not all parents behave rationally. The OP's ex may be controlling and this is just another method of control.

I do wish people wouldn't seize on one comment in an OP and have a go about it when it's not really all that relevant to the post. That said, I would probably think someone was an evil cow if they withheld this type of information too.

queenMab99 · 23/05/2016 00:01

The op is asking What would you do? The name calling was unnecessary, but that aside, why all the judging when the true situation isn't really known? Fathers usually just have to agree to accepting what contact they can get. It is quite possible that he has no chance of picking up from school for various reasons, and hasn't wanted to push too hard for involvement in school etc, to avoid conflict.

BlackeyedSusan · 23/05/2016 12:42

evil cow? I am assuming that op is a sounding off about having the wrong info. certainly called ex all sorts on here but we have as reasonable working relationship over the children.

are you on the birth certificate/have parental responibility? if so you have a right to know which school, info from the school, attend parents evenings, have a copy of the report.

do you know which school now?

if you are having them everyweekend then I can not see any reason why you may be excluded from the children's school life.

Toffeelatteplease · 23/05/2016 12:45

Why don't you have direct contact with the school now

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