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Original poster

Should I contact my dead friend's mum?

34 replies

dakin1 · 06/04/2016 09:05

My best friend tragically died in a car accident when we were teenagers almost 20 years ago. Before she died I used to spend a lot of time round her house and knew her mum pretty well, she is a lovely lady. Since my friend died I have lost touch with her family but my Aunty is still good friends with her mum so I could easily get in touch.

When I was at my parents house recently I found a box full of old photographs of me and my friend as well as letters she had written me. Some of the pictures are really lovely and her mum won't have ever seen them.

Would it be weird of me to contact her mum and offer to show her the pictures? I would also like to tell her mum how much she meant to me as a friend and how I still think of her often.

I have a DD myself now and can appreciate how horrific it must have been for her mum to lose her daughter. On the other hand I don't want to cause her grief and upset. Perhaps seeing me as an adult with a baby of my own will just remind of of everything she has lost?

WWYD?

OP posts:
Getit · 06/04/2016 09:07

I think it would be a really nice gesture .
You sound like a very thoughtful person.

Original poster
dakin1 · 06/04/2016 09:11

Thanks Getit, that's a kind thing to say. I feel quite nervous to contact her but I think she would like to see the pictures.

OP posts:
99percentchocolate · 06/04/2016 09:11

It's definitely a very difficult one. My best friend died ten years ago just before our group started settling down and having babies. I still think of her all the time and a while ago I posted a picture of her on Facebook with a note saying how much I still missed her and that wherever she was I wished her a happy birthday.
I "tagged" a friend, not realising that this friend was "friends" with best friends mum on Facebook. She replied that she was so pleased to see we still thought of her, that it brought her comfort that her DD was still remembered by others, and asked after us all.
I'd agonised for years about getting in touch and even though it happened accidentally, I'm glad it did.

Getit · 06/04/2016 09:14

I think you obviously would tred carefully.
My mum would appreciate it if someone did this.
I think reading letters previously unread , although upsetting would bring comfort.

DontBuyANewMumCashmere · 06/04/2016 09:16

My best friend died when she was 24. I know her parents still love to hear about her, and to see pictures.

I'd contact her by letter/mail/FB rather than phone so she has the chance to think about it and get back to you in her own time.
It might be difficult for her to process it all but I think she'd be genuinely touched and pleased you're still thinking of your DF. Flowers

Cocochoco · 06/04/2016 09:17

I'd think she would absolutely love to see you again, and to see new photos and her dd's writing.

Original poster
dakin1 · 06/04/2016 09:19

Thanks 99, I am glad that happened and your friend's mum was pleased to see the picture.

My friend's mum is on Facebook so I could befriend her then PM a message about the pictures.

OP posts:
CodyKing · 06/04/2016 09:19

Can you copy the pictures so she can keep them?

That would be a nice gesture

Original poster
dakin1 · 06/04/2016 09:21

Thanks others for the advice. I am not always so 'tactful' when talking, but I could probably write a thoughtful letter. It would have been her daughter's birthday this week so not sure if this is a good or bad time to get in touch.

OP posts:
EBearhug · 06/04/2016 09:22

There's no way I could show parents letters my friends wrote me back when we wrote letters, at least not without censorship to cut out the excesses of youth! But definitely photos.

Original poster
dakin1 · 06/04/2016 09:23

Yes Cody, as soon as I realised I had all the pictures I thought I should give them to her mum. I remember thinking at the time it happened that her mum might want them but I was only young and didn't know how to approach it.

OP posts:
Sunnybitch · 06/04/2016 09:25

I think she'd love to see them. I'd do what codyking said! I think it would be lovely for her to get to keep them and you could send a little note with them to say that you still think of her often and miss her dearly

Original poster
dakin1 · 06/04/2016 09:26

EBear - the letter is just quite funny! She sent me a joke and drew some pictures. all very innocent (even though she was quite a wild child). It wouldn't happen these days, it would all have been on text or Facebook.

OP posts:
MrsJayy · 06/04/2016 09:27

My best friend died 17 years ago I still see her mum from time to time she works locally i gave her photos I found when we were moving house she seemed to appreciate them

BlossomMagic · 06/04/2016 09:29

I think it would be a lovely gesture and I don't think you'll cause her upset. She will already think about her daughter every day, it's not as though you'll be reminding her of someone she's forgotten.

Original poster
dakin1 · 06/04/2016 09:29

Thanks MrsJayy that's also reassuring to know.

OP posts:
Somerville · 06/04/2016 09:31

I agree with others that you should definitely contact her in writing telling her about the photos and asking if she'd like copies. She's very likely to appreciate that greatly.

However, may I gently suggest that a FB message might not be the way to do it? I personally try to keep FB for lighthearted stuff, and get upset sometimes when I get stuff on my TL or messages about my (late) DH. One minute I'm sniggering at something funny and then it's a sudden jolt.

I know other people don't necessarily feel the same (though quite a few other bereaved people do). You can probably get an idea about whether she feels that way or not from her own timeline - if she posted about her daughter on her birthday or just went quiet for a few days.

Original poster
dakin1 · 06/04/2016 09:35

Thanks Somerville for the insight. Would you suggest an email or an actual post letter? I am sure I could get her contact details from my Aunty.

Sorry to hear of your DH Flowers

OP posts:
AugustaFinkNottle · 06/04/2016 09:46

Why not ask your aunt what she thinks? She presumably has a reasonable idea of how her friend would react to this.

ohtheholidays · 06/04/2016 09:48

You've said your aunty is still good friends with her Mum if it was me I'd ask your aunty if she'd mind just letting your friends Mum know that you've found some pictures of your friend.

Then that way there's no pressure because your leaving it upto your friend's Mum to decide if she would like the pictures and if she'd like to get intouch with you.

I'm sorry about your friend that must have been so hard for you and the fact that you still think about her and her Mum is really lovely Flowers

LunaLunaLovegood · 06/04/2016 09:49

I agree, ask if she'd like copies of the photos. I don't like it when people GIVE me their photos of my mum, I want them to want to keep them. I like getting copies and thinking it is not just me that is missing and remembering her. Knowing that other people do too is a good thing. Hope that makes sense!

MrsDeVere · 06/04/2016 09:49

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Somerville · 06/04/2016 09:50

Actual licky-stamp letter is ideal.

But YY to asking your aunt's advice.

Original poster
dakin1 · 06/04/2016 09:51

OK Augusta and ohtheholidays this is a good plan. I will ask my Aunty's advice and take it from there. It's been 20 years so there is obviously no rush.

Thank you for the kind words and advice, it is really appreciated.

OP posts:
MattDillonsPants · 06/04/2016 09:52

Lovely idea OP. My Mum recently met a very old friend of my late Dad's...it's not really comparable but she found out he was dying...had about a year to live. So she went to visit him and took along some copies she had of pics with him and my Dad and their mates back in the 50s altogether. He was very happy with them...he said it had brought back so many memories and he had them framed so he could look at them.

If someone brought my Mum pics of my Dad she'd never seen, she'd be thrilled too.