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Original poster

Upset with MIL.

27 replies

MrsWigster1991 · 19/03/2016 14:32

I will admit that me and my mother in law have a strained relationship. To be fair I have never stopped her from seeing her grandchildren (even thought I've put up with snide remarks, underhanded parenting tactics and even been made to feel terrible because she was not invited to my birth). However I see her EVERY week. It's getting to the point where she is rude to my face. My husband will tell her to stop but then she puts the water works on about how stressed she is etc.
This week she got very upset because I wasn't pregnant. (I did a test as I thought I might have been, luckily I'm not). She then continued to be horrific to me because she wanted me to be pregnant.
I have been going out to avoid her and planning things on "her days" but I'm missing spending time with my husband (her day is his only day off) and kids. She comes at midday and doesn't leave until 9pm. Wwyd in my situation?

OP posts:

Costacoffeeplease · 19/03/2016 14:35

I wouldn't be telling her about poas for a start

Caprinihahahaha · 19/03/2016 14:36

I'd speak to my husband.

QuiteLikely5 · 19/03/2016 14:37

She cried when you told her you weren't pregnant?

Really? Do these people actually exist?

I just cannot imagine anyone doing that..........

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Families

FrancisdeSales · 19/03/2016 14:38

Yes your husband needs to set some boundaries and limits. Maybe he can go over for a cuppa with her on his day off and then come home to you and the kids. Every week is too much.

FrancisdeSales · 19/03/2016 14:39

Well quitelikely5 my MIL greeted me off the plane after my honeymoon with "Are you pregnant yet?".

Original poster

MrsWigster1991 · 19/03/2016 14:40

Not only did she get upset, she then decided not to speak to me for the entire day unless she was being nasty! I left the box in the bathroom. She asked about the box and got really excited. I said "it's ok, false alarm" and she turned really nasty.

She also said I should get sterilised to save her the heartbreak of false hope

OP posts:

SmallBee · 19/03/2016 14:43

I'd stop sharing any information with her.
I'd schedule things for you to do as a family (that she can't come to)
I'd have an open and frank chat with DH and agree what you both want going forward and explain to MIL.

Original poster

MrsWigster1991 · 19/03/2016 14:49

He said she's only got us (she's from a different part of the country and all his family live far, far away). He doesn't see the issue with the visit every week. He said it's good for the kids. I said it would be if she was nicer to their mother.
My husband also said it's not as bad as I'm making out.
I've tried the family activities, she invites herself along as she is family.

OP posts:

MissesBloom · 19/03/2016 14:52

I see mil weekly. Because she insists she sees the kids weekly. I don't mind this as she's not a pita like yours but it annoys me that we have to shoe horn time into the one day I get with dh and kids together for her to come round or tag along onto an activity. Wish we were 'allowed' a week off every so often.
In your case if she was unpleasant I'd probably tell dh you don't want her around every week so if he wants to see her he needs to go to her. It's a bit much. Thankfully he sees that she can be rude to you and asks her not to, I know a lot of men have blinkers on in the case of their dm's!
Would carry on making yourself busy on those days too. Dh will probably want to cut it down to every fortnight in the end

MissesBloom · 19/03/2016 14:55

Oh sorry just seen your latest post.

Your going to have to put your foot down on this one. Make a real point when she is rude that you are offended by her and let dh know you're not having it. It's your home ffs!

I'd go out without kids and dh if he started taking sides...but then I'm a right old b*tch

Original poster

MrsWigster1991 · 19/03/2016 18:10

I dont want to make him choose between me and his mother but I'm sick of feeling like I'm being shit on.

OP posts:

Waltermittythesequel · 19/03/2016 18:12

Tell dh to pop in once a week after work for dinner with her?

Then she can visit on alternative weekends.

Personally, I'd be expecting dh to stick up for me more...

Original poster

MrsWigster1991 · 19/03/2016 18:20

She lives two hours away and neither of them drive.
"Her day" is during the week as my husband works weekends due to the nature of his job.

He doesn't see her words as hurtful.
My 6 year old daughter asked why Nanna hated me. I had no words.

OP posts:

Waltermittythesequel · 19/03/2016 18:41

How does she come every week then??

ijustwannadance · 19/03/2016 18:50

I would tell your DH that she can only come round once a fortnight from now on. You do need time with your family unit alone and if that is only one day a week then she should fuck right off.
It certainly isn't good for your kids as they can cleary see she is a nasty cow.

FrancisdeSales · 19/03/2016 20:57

I totally sympathize OP I have been on the receiving end of similar and worse. I just refuse to spend too much time with MIL now.

Original poster

MrsWigster1991 · 20/03/2016 16:00

She gets taxis to and from ours every week. Courtesy of grandma who is oblivious her daughter is spending her thousands due to dementia.
We have told her not to come this week and the guilty/sad phone calls have already started pouring in.
Sometimes I think about divorce. To get away from her.

OP posts:

Waltermittythesequel · 20/03/2016 16:52

Well I'm glad you've put your foot down for this week.

Honestly, I would do a home visit say every third Sunday and a family day out on another day.

MsAdorabelleDearheartVonLipwig · 20/03/2016 18:31

My 6 year old daughter asked why Nanna hated me. I had no words.

Sometimes I think about divorce. To get away from her.

Have you told your dh this?

Original poster

MrsWigster1991 · 20/03/2016 18:35

Yeah he thinks I'm joking. He was the one who told our DD "of course nanna doesn't hate mummy" when I couldn't answer.
She seems to think I've pinched her son. She told me on my wedding day she would always be the number one woman in his life.

We had a serious discussion this afternoon about me not being around on her days and he said he couldn't manage her without me .

OP posts:

Wolpertinger · 20/03/2016 18:36

As with every MIL problem on MN, you do not have a MIL problem, you have a DH problem.

Have you told your DH what your 6 yr old said?

Original poster

MrsWigster1991 · 20/03/2016 18:37

He answered here when DD said it Wolpertinger.

OP posts:

Wolpertinger · 20/03/2016 18:43

Sorry cross posted with you.

Why does he think he is unable to parent his own child without his mother? He really is the problem rather than her.

Original poster

MrsWigster1991 · 20/03/2016 18:49

No he can't manage his mother without me supposedly. When I asked why he said she was difficult. I said it's x 1000 worse for me because she views me as the problem. I've already started drifting away and taking a step back emotionally as it was starting to play on my mind.

It all started years ago when I was pregnant with my first. I then was told I had PND. His mother was abusive but everyone kept telling me "it's all in your head" --- finally people understand she was horrible. Including my husband.
I think he feels guilty with the rest of the family being away.

OP posts:

Wolpertinger · 20/03/2016 18:59

Oh sorry, I misunderstood - he can manage your DD on his own but he can't manage his own mother on his own.

Well that's too bad really isn't it, it's him that wants to see her!

How would he go with you pointing out that he can't manage his mother on his own but you would happily never see her again. Seeing his mother is for his benefit not yours. If he can't manage it, why is he seeing her?

If the only reason is guilt, is that a good enough reason? It would have helped her cause if she had been nicer to people so they actually wanted to spend time with her and didn't move 100s of miles to be away from her.

He must be aware of the fact she is defrauding her own mother. Is she really someone he wants his kids exposed to?

Ultimately he is stuck in FOG - Fear Obligation Guilt. You would get a lot of support on the Relationships forum on this from people who are much more expert that I am on this. If you could convince him to go to counselling either on his own or as Relationship counselling it would also help to hopefully convince him that you and him are a team and should be on the same side here.

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