Friends FIL is a paedophile not sure what to do **possibly triggering**

[1namechange9]

My friends FIL has just been convicted of having child porn (loads of it and worst rating ) she and her DH are standing by him, I can't be friends with her but have no idea what to say. How can she believe his lies and allow him around her children? (SS are aware) I just can't believe how stupid she is been.

What do I say? I can't be friends with her after this

I am shocked at some of these answers. He is a paedophile and has contributed to the abuse of children. Just because he has not been convicted of touching a child doesn't make it ok. People abuse children so perverts like him can get his rocks off. I 100% agree with you, he's a risk to children and I couldn't be friends with someone who would let this go.

Hmmm. I'm in two minds.
Your poor friend is probably struggling at the moment. Outwardly she is supporting her DH and his family but inside, I bet she's in pieces.

Maybe, and I know it's hard, she might really appreciate your support right now..?

Just remember that she is not a threat to your children and a shoulder to cry on could be just what she needs.

There is a underlying sense of hysteria simmering under some posts though. Users of child porn may not necessarily go on to physically abuse those close to them, so would not pose a direct risk. They may not perceive the children featured in the same way, although of course someone further down the line is or has abused them and may well be exploiting it for profit.

I don't think it's 'hysterical' to want to ensure your children aren't in contact with somebody who may expose them to highly inappropriate, disturbing material whilst around them, and who has such disregard for children and for the difference between right and wrong.

I am certainly not condoning what the FIL has done. It would be difficult to overstate the awfulness of it. But the FIL is not the OP's friend and it's the friend that I am referring to.

The OP has had a terrible shock and I think that needs to wear off before she decides what to do about her relationship with her friend.

There seems to be a great deal of placed on your friend by many if the posters here, which seems quite unfair. You do not seem to suggest that she has said child abuse is acceptable or that she is allowing her FIL unsupervised contact with get children. She and her DH have been thrown a curve ball. A man they love and have trusted and who most likely gave them no indication of what he was doing has done something terrible. They have chosen at this early stage not to disown him (and presumably MIL) and as a consequence posters suggest that they are a danger to your children? This does seem unreasonable. I think you should take your time and make sure you have your facts straight before doing anything rash. They are in a terrible place and perhaps could use some support. Telling them that you effectively now view them as sex offenders and a danger to your children is not something you can come back from. Also if all their friends do that they will be driven closer to thier FIL. Perhaps try and talk through it with them when you feel calmer.

You can stand by a person without standing by their crime. You can hate part of a person's behaviour without hating the rest of them.

All you will be doing is heaping condemnation onto a woman who has had her world turned upside down. It won't affect the FiL in any way if you are friends or not.

Personally, I think you should remain friends but tell her that you can't talk about the FIL and his crime with her because you feel too strongly about it.

I think the OP, and her friend have both had a huge shock. It happened near me recently, when a local man, with a family and who was hugely involved in the local community, was convicted, also at the worst level. What has made it so confusing is that he received a suspended sentence and apparently still has contact with the children of his family. I don't know him personally, but people are finding it very hard to get their heads round.

Awful for his family. I don't know how they are coping.

my best friends dad has just been given 5 years in prison for abusing her and her sister as children.

The whole rest of her family have sided with the dad, and cant believe she has dug this up after so many years and split the family up. Despite the fact that she actually protected them while it was happening by saying nothing. Her siblings have her to thank that they weren't taken into care at the time.

She is now on her own and I am that her mother, brother and sister didn't support her. Families are strange things

across I have to tell her I don't like the normalising of it, the way they've made it "it isn't as "bad" I can't not say why

Then all you can do is tell her your truth and your feelings. Just be prepared for her to justify, rationalize and attack and to have to walk away with bad feelings. That was what was so hard about our friend. Hearing her rationalizations and her attacks on us for 'not understanding' (as reported by our 'deputized' friend) was both infuriating and heartbreaking. Maybe it would have been cowardly, but we all wished we'd just dropped her and said nothing because we felt it would have been obvious to her why we'd stopped contacting her. We also felt that it might have left a bit of an 'open door' to her to reconnect with us if she had a change of heart. After some of the horrible things she said that door is closed, probably forever.

I'm in agreement with cookiefiend, lougle and others suggesting you take a bit of time before deciding what to do.

Are you likely to see your friend over the next few days? If no - then give yourself a few days to digest the news. Review how you feel after a few days - it's amazing how time can help you put things into perspective.

I would echo what others have said; your proposed actions (to de-friend and cut off contact) are likely to hurt her, not her FIL, at a time when she probably really needs some support and people to talk things through with. Your proposed actions don't sound like those of a friend.

I couldn't be friends with someone who supported a paedophile, rapist etc.. imo thry are just as bad!