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Original poster

Friends FIL is a paedophile not sure what to do **possibly triggering**

61 replies

1namechange9 · 11/02/2016 17:39

My friends FIL has just been convicted of having child porn (loads of it and worst rating Sad) she and her DH are standing by him, I can't be friends with her but have no idea what to say. How can she believe his lies and allow him around her children? (SS are aware) I just can't believe how stupid she is been.

What do I say? I can't be friends with her after this

OP posts:
FoxesSitOnBoxes · 11/02/2016 18:40

Just cut contact. Don't announce it. Don't make this in any way about you. Just quietly cut contact. If she asks what has happened you can tell her that you can no longer trust her judgement and cannot be friends.
I imagine she is going through hell right now. She is making a very dubious call on this but I can't imagine she's enjoying her life at the moment. A text from you about how this has made you feel isn't going to help

Lilyannapollyanna · 11/02/2016 18:41

FUCK THAT!
OP my FIL is a paedophile - albeit not convicted but social services deem him a risk to children. The only reason he isn't locked up is because the CPS are a joke. The last charges involved him looking at very questionable websites on internet history. Because none of them were actual solid child pornography then they didn't take him to trial - the police charged him but the CPS said it wasn't strong enough evidence.
My DH has absolutely nothing to do with his father, or his mother for standing by him. My young DD has no idea who he is and never will. Unfortunately his ex associates with the pervert because 'he wasn't found guilty and he's the kids grandad' which translates as 'I will do the exact opposite of what to ask because I want to spite you'
Social services had to tell her that her children were not permitted unsupervised contact with the pervert - which is shocking as she is a bloody teacher! Shock
Your friend standing by this man seriously raises some red flags - family or not it's shocking.
You are not wrong and if it was my friend she'd be told exactly what I thought and cut off - no exceptions or excuses

VagueIdeas · 11/02/2016 18:44

It's depressingly common to see wives and families "stand by" someone convicted of possessing images of child abuse. I've personal experience of that.

Original poster
1namechange9 · 11/02/2016 18:44

lougle I can not be friends with anyone that would a child in danger. Surely SS would have warned them of the risk he is and explained what the rating is?

OP posts:
Lilyannapollyanna · 11/02/2016 18:46

OP you are absolutely NOT being unreasonable. If social services aren't already watching her DC they certainly should be. The thought of my paedophile FIL being within a mile of my beautiful innocent DD makes my blood run cold

Original poster
1namechange9 · 11/02/2016 18:49

I have to tell her I am not making it about myself other than wondering what to say to my DC lucky DC 3 is to young to understand. I wont be slipping away and normalising it I want her to understand (if that is possible) that he could abuse her children

OP posts:
Original poster
1namechange9 · 11/02/2016 18:50

SS are involved its how I found out

OP posts:
Lilyannapollyanna · 11/02/2016 18:54

Run a mile YADNBU
This woman is running the risk of losing her children by associating with this man. And that's not the worse case scenario. The dirty bastard could abuse them Sad this is beyond any normal comprehension family or not your friend is an unfit mother having a paedophile anywhere near. God I hope she is just in denial and comes to her senses

WomanWithAltitude · 11/02/2016 19:02

So she wasn't going to tell you? She was going to let your children see this man, with you unaware?

Sad
Original poster
1namechange9 · 11/02/2016 19:05

ATM I only know I can't be her friend and need to tell her. She's known for months so its not likely she's suddenly going to see know its wrong. I want to go and get her DC, I want to scream at her and I know what I say won't make any difference. I've looked after her children even when she's given birth I've been a major part of their lives she has 4 DC and I've known the 3 Dc since day one how can she let them near him? She must know it's so very wrong she tells me everything (or so I thought) how can she? I just don't understand

OP posts:
FlatOnTheHill · 11/02/2016 19:09

YANBU
If a friend of mine decided to stand by their FIL or anyone else for that matter that was a pedo then quite frankly I would not want to be friends with them.
I get what you are saying totally OP. Its like the friend is accepting what the vile creature has done. To be associated with someone that sticks by a pedo is not someone I would want to be friends with or have in my life.
You are right and totally normal to feel the way you do.

Lilyannapollyanna · 11/02/2016 19:10

If she didn't think he'd done anything wrong she wouldn't bloody hide it! My DH ex doesn't tell people the truth about why SHE calls my PIL 'mum and dad' and their own son has nothing to do with them. She lies and tells people my DH is a twat who hates his parents for no good reason. Because she knows if she told the truth that people would judge her. And rightly bloody so!

FlatOnTheHill · 11/02/2016 19:14

OP tell your friend how you feel if you must. If not just cut her out your life. Those who stick by pedos are total wrong-uns.

BumpPower · 11/02/2016 19:24

Hmm how is this about you? If you no longer trust someone's judgement enough to leave your children in their care then don't. Stop being her friend and withdraw contact by all means but don't get in her face and make her justify herself to you, she is clearly going through a lot and possibly making poor decisions. Again not for you to cry about she has not done this to hurt you. Protect your kids and try and have some empathy for others.

StuffandBother · 11/02/2016 19:28

Your poor friend, what a shit time she must be having.

LIZS · 11/02/2016 19:35

Are you sure she is letting her dc near him? I suspect ss would have explicitly told them otherwise or given very specific parameters. Fil will be on the sex offenders' register and have the associated restrictions.

There is a underlying sense of hysteria simmering under some posts though. Users of child porn may not necessarily go on to physically abuse those close to them, so would not pose a direct risk. They may not perceive the children featured in the same way, although of course someone further down the line is or has abused them and may well be exploiting it for profit. Sad

Having said that I can appreciate the emotional turmoil of this revelation and how it reflects negatively on your friends. You are entitled to act as you see fit to protect your dc.

Lweji · 11/02/2016 19:40

Users of child porn may not necessarily go on to physically abuse those close to them, so would not pose a direct risk

Sure, but would you risk it?

LIZS · 11/02/2016 19:44

But I haven't seen it suggested that op's dc have ever been left in a potentially vulnerable situation with friend's fil and certainly wouldn't be now. It is quite shocking to be faced with this within your social circle. Agree with those who say let the dust settle, for everyone's sake. I'm sure they will lose many friends over it in coming months, if not already.

VagueIdeas · 11/02/2016 19:47

I don't give a fuck whether users of "child porn" (or to call it what it really is: images of child abuse) ever abuse children IRL. They are complicit in the actual abuse of children. I cannot be friends with a person who ever downloaded such material, or the people who stand by them. I wouldn't be able to look them in the eye ever again, knowing what they did (or what they turned a blind eye to).

And I'm not talking theoretically, either. I have had to cut people out of my life.

plurabelle · 11/02/2016 19:47

Protect your kids and try and have some empathy for others.

This seems like a good line to take.

You wouldn't let children have unsupervised contact with a man who was convicted of possessing indecent images of children. But I'd imagine this man is now serving a prison sentence, so this isn't really going to happen.

My own father did some things that were very wrong indeed - relating to children. My mother defended and stood by him.

That is a problem for me and I was extremely cautious and protective in relation to my own children where my father was concerned.

However, the difficult truth is that a convicted sex offender, may also have been a loving father and husband. It is really difficult for relatives to process when the 'bad' side of somebody who they knew as 'good' surfaces. (I imagine it's even harder if they then get shunned by people who used to be friends.)

LaurieFairyCake · 11/02/2016 19:54

If it's the worst rating that means he has made multiple viewings of child and infant rape.

That is not someone you want round your children and the children of your friend whom you love.

I have no idea why you're getting a hard time about your 'devastation' - you clearly adore your friends children and want no harm to come to them.

Thanks

Hopefully she will change her mind. Social services will be pushing very hard for this.

ovenchips · 11/02/2016 19:54

I agree with bumppower.

I appreciate you've had a terrible shock but you seem to think you are required to make some moral stand and tell your friend what you think. Tbh this is not required. You don't have to take any immediate action. Your children are safe. I don't think they need to be told anything at this point either.

My advice is give yourself time to digest this shocking news. Resist the understandable urge to condemn. Only take action once the shock has subsided.

VagueIdeas · 11/02/2016 20:16

But I'd imagine this man is now serving a prison sentence

The OP said he received a suspended sentence, unfortunately.

ScarletForYa · 11/02/2016 20:18

Just cut her dead, that's all you can do.

HermioneWeasley · 11/02/2016 20:22

OP, I could t be friends with anyone who condoned this or thought it was ok either.

Not sure why some people are giving you a hard time.

IMO he should be executed, never mind a suspended sentence.