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Original poster

Did he hit me?

43 replies

Bonniesloth · 11/02/2016 06:11

I have just gone back to work after maternity. My baby's 6 months old. Since going back to work dh has been helping woth night feeds. He is in bed with us as stirring, and I comment that he shouldn't be in his sleep bag between us under a duvet as might overheat .
Dh took massive offense to this and angrily flicked me in the face. I thought he'd hit me it was that hard. He said I shouldn't tell him he's killing his son. He made me feel like I was over reacting, as when I said i wanted him out he said " awww are you going to tell people I flicked you? Because I will, you're being fucking stupid"
I don't know what to do. Hes never hit me before... did he even hit me? Am I over reacting?

OP posts:
fuzzywuzzy · 11/02/2016 06:14

He hit you.

Would you do that to him?

And you're right your baby shouldn't be in a sleeping bag when he's in bed between you both under a duvet.

SpongeBobJudgeyPants · 11/02/2016 06:28

He has been violent to you, and he's minimising it. He doesn't even seem sorry. You are not over-reacting.

AnyFucker · 11/02/2016 06:31

Yes he hit you. In front of your son. Then made it your fault. Is this the kind of man you thought you would end up with ?

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Seeyounearertime · 11/02/2016 06:37

Would he "flick" his son when his son says something he disagrees with?
Why if his son is crying and it bothers him?

Original poster
Bonniesloth · 11/02/2016 07:19

He's really good at turning things round on me. I really don't know what to do.

OP posts:
Thattimeofyearagain · 11/02/2016 07:23

He hit you. He is minimizing and turning it on you. You know what you should do.

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 11/02/2016 07:25

Err, yes he hit you but what the FUCK is he doing minimising the very real safety issue that you told him about?

So not only is he ok with flicking you in the face, he's quite happy to risk his son's health and life, AND take the piss out of you for being cautious.

Why do you want to be with him again?

Thattimeofyearagain · 11/02/2016 07:35

Tell someone IRL

Original poster
Bonniesloth · 11/02/2016 07:40

Im going to tell my friend, see what she says. You're all right. I know you are. Hes never actually been physical before and I feel like it was so minor I shouldn't make a big deal about it. However I know if it was my friend id be telling to to LTB. Fucking fuck fuck.

OP posts:
FarrowandBallAche · 11/02/2016 15:20

He flicked you. Hard. Pretty shitty thing to do and totally not acceptable.

meringue33 · 11/02/2016 15:27

My best friend was murdered by her partner two weeks ago. It starts small then escalates. Get help to get out now.

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 11/02/2016 15:28

Oh no, meringue, that's awful! :( Shock
I hope there were no children involved?

NameChange30 · 11/02/2016 15:36

Yes he hit you. It sounds like he has already been emotionally abusive and he has now started being physically abusive too. It's very worrying that he did it when your baby was between you, as well. I would be worried about him causing physical harm to the baby as well as you - and then blaming it on you.

Please do talk to your friend and call Women's Aid as well. They have a 24 hour helpline: 0808 2000 247

Footle · 11/02/2016 15:43

Who 'flicks' people ? Does he pinch as well ? He sounds vile.

LaurieFairyCake · 11/02/2016 16:04

I think it's really helpful to not discriminate between the actual 'actions'

A hit is the same as a punch as a flick as a kick as a slap.

Instead we should concentrate on how it is felt in the body. If aggressive contact is made it hurts.

He sounds awful. Not just the violence but the diminishing, the minimising, the criticising.

Please leave with your baby. You both deserve better ThanksThanksThanks

Jux · 12/02/2016 09:17

What is he like generally? Does he talk over you, stand in a doorway so you can't get through? How is he with ds?

I do think he has hit you. You can feel it can't you? That's why you've posted here. You could feel his intention behind the flick. It's like making unkind jokes about you and then pretending that they're "only a joke".

You know he intended to hurt you, that he wanted to hurt you; you can't live with someone who actually wants to hurt you. That is why you should pack up your baby and go.

NameChange30 · 12/02/2016 10:02

I think Laurie makes a good point that the type of action doesn't matter, whether it was a hit, flick, kick, slap, punch, poke - either way it's aggressive touching that inflicts pain.

Original poster
Bonniesloth · 12/02/2016 18:35

He's perfect the rest of the time. Not jealous, not possessive, we lead our own independent lives away from each other and have a great time together the rest of the time. We argue very rarely but he's a shit when we do.
I spoke to my friend who knows us both well and she put it into perspective. I know many won't agree but it was 4am and neither of us was thinking straight as so exhausted. No excuse I know, however this genuinely isn't his nature. I made him stay out last night so I could gather my thoughts and get some perspective.

OP posts:
Original poster
Bonniesloth · 12/02/2016 18:37

To add he never stands in doorways to stop me nor talks over me. He dotes on ds. Bar this one slip he's the perfect dad.

OP posts:
NameChange30 · 12/02/2016 19:02

He's not perfect. Perfect would not include "one slip" or being a "shit" when you argue. It will escalate. You have been warned.

NameChange30 · 12/02/2016 19:04

Please do look at these signs of emotional abuse - you might be surprised.

I'm disappointed that your friend has minimised this Sad

NameChange30 · 12/02/2016 19:33

Has he apologised? Does he admit that he was in the wrong? If you asked him to do an anger management course, would he do it?

If he was just a decent guy who made a mistake in the heat of the moment, he would be genuinely sorry. From what you've said about him, I suspect that's not the case.

He will probably "play nice" for a while, to lull you back into a false sense of security, but at some point he's going to lose his temper again. What then?

MrsHathaway · 12/02/2016 19:47

It sounds to me not only as though he's justifying what he did, but also as though he's threatening to do it again. If you criticise him he will physically punish you.

The physical act may have been small, but the thought process behind it is chilling. I would be afraid to leave my child with someone who thinks it's ever appropriate to retaliate with physical pain.

Original poster
Bonniesloth · 12/02/2016 19:50

This is the one and only time he's lost his temper. I don't think that warrants anger management... I am by miles the far more volatile in our relationship and nobody has suggested I go to anger management.
Perfect is a strong word and of course he isnt perfect... but in our years together this is the first time his has happened. He has apologised. I know its hard to explain over the Internet but I know it won't escalate. He was mortified id basically called him a wife beater (which in fairness is extreme- yes he flicked me but he didn't beat me and I know for a fact he wouldn't)
As for my friend minimalising the situation... she hasn't. Its a lot easier to explain face to face. Plus she knows both of our personalities. She knows he was wrong and she doesn't condone what he's done at all, however she knows he has the patience of a saint with me bar this once. If someone pushed my buttons the way I push his to be honest I'd have snapped a long time ago.

OP posts:
NameChange30 · 12/02/2016 20:14

"I know for a fact he wouldn't" Hmm
Unless you have a crystal ball, this isn't possible. There are many, many women who were convinced their partners would never hit them... Until they did.

However, if he has apologised that's a good sign. And if you really believe you're as bad as each other, perhaps you'd benefit from couple's therapy.

I feel sorry for the baby caught in the middle (literally, on that occasion) tbh.