Did he hit me?

[Bonniesloth]

I have just gone back to work after maternity. My baby's 6 months old. Since going back to work dh has been helping woth night feeds. He is in bed with us as stirring, and I comment that he shouldn't be in his sleep bag between us under a duvet as might overheat .
Dh took massive offense to this and angrily flicked me in the face. I thought he'd hit me it was that hard. He said I shouldn't tell him he's killing his son. He made me feel like I was over reacting, as when I said i wanted him out he said " awww are you going to tell people I flicked you? Because I will, you're being fucking stupid"
I don't know what to do. Hes never hit me before... did he even hit me? Am I over reacting?

I can imagine before this happened you never thought he would flick you. Next time could be a push, a slap, a punch or worse. Next time your child may be old enough to remember his had attacking his mum.

Oh dear

You have excused him and blamed yourself.

Bad move.

I think he's already conditioned OP to take the blame.

Why does he have to "have the patience of a saint" with you?

He sounds like a real peach.

I haven't excused him at all.
And he doesn't have me conditioned.
His dad will never attack his mum.
We don't need couples therapy.
As much as he has the patience of a saint I have a high tolerance for his domestic incapability.
He made a mistake and he has apologised. I cant ask for more than that? He can't take it back, we've had stern words and he's devastated. If he had me conditioned he wouldn't have stayed put to give me time to think. He wouldn't have turned to his mum and told her what happened as he was so humiliated. (She's fucking furious with him and has probably gone madder than me)
I asked for advice, not judgement.
I asked WWYD, not what deep underlying problems my marriage will inevitably have.
He made a mistake, it was a big mistake. I too have made big mistakes and he has forgiven me, and I won't make the same mistakes again. As he won't.

As for the baby being caught in the middle... not ideal of course in a literal sense. In a broader sense the baby is not caught in the middle of anything.

Well everything's fine then isn't it? If you're happy that everything's resolved then that's all that matters.

I hope your clairvoyance is justified

He made a mistake, it was a big mistake. I too have made big mistakes and he has forgiven me, and I won't make the same mistakes again. As he won't.

Sometimes people are just not ready to examine their situation. This is one of those times.

At risk of being told im saying this through being brainwashed and conditioned by my abusive husband who has worn me down to a shell of my former self, I would like to thank everyone for their help- genuinely- the advice I was given at first was wonderful and insightful and really helpful.

However it appears you know both my dh and I better than I know him or myself. The advice soon got slightly off topic and turned into a bashing of my dh who yes, completely fucked up, but I am a better judge of his character than anyone on here. I know im at risk of being accused of all the above I mentioned, but only I know what it's like IRL. My friends reaction speaks volumes to the RL situation.

Why did you ask OP? It seems like you asked, posters told you what they thought (and some were slightly more extreme than I was going to be reading your post) but you've now decided it was nothing. Do you want further opinions?

However I know if it was my friend id be telling to to LTB

This is the most telling sentence in the whole thread because only you know exactly what happened when he 'flicked' you. And with that information, this was your response....

The problem is, early on you said "He's really good at turning things round on me" so we have to wonder whether he's convinced you that when he gets angry it's your fault for "pushing his buttons". The information did change slightly as the thread went on, so you can't blame us for getting the wrong idea, if that's what we've done. But you have to understand our suspicion, because it's common for abusers to minimise their actions and for their victims to learn to minimise them as well.

I really hope this was a one off and it won't happen again, but if it does, please don't be too proud to come back here and/or get help (eg by contacting WA or getting counselling).

you know him better than we do so I think it has to be said keep an eye that it does not happen again. Don't throw it all away after one isolated incident . Having said that if he shows any signs again take action

.

I hope he has ALSO apologised for his cavalier attitude towards your son's safety, because much though I deplore the face-flicking, the cause of it actually concerned me a whole lot more.

Next time you ask him not to do something because it might harm your DS, but he hasn't thought of it, is he going to go off the deep end again? Your DS's safety has to be a top priority (as is your own, but you seem to be secure in believing that you are safe), and your DH HAS to realise that you pointing out safety issues is NOT "accusing him of trying to kill your son" but taking basic safety precautions! (STILL can't get over that, tbh - that would have seriously SERIOUSLY pissed me off).

I understand what everyone is saying I really do. But as I've tried explaining, its easy to judge someone online when you don't know them IRL. I could spend hours trying to describe and explain our relationship and how great it is, however ill be accused of being conditioned by dh.
As he turns things on me, I turn things on him.
I posted this as it had happened and was still processing it. I'm not minimalising what he has done- it's a shitty thing but he's apologised. I said I'd tell my friend to LTB. If I'm being honest it would depend on the friend and their relationship.
I didn't tell his mum as I didon't want to involve anyone else. He did because he knows his mum will set him straight. Whether he wanted her to say it wasn't a big deal I don't know. But she didn't. I didn't tell my family for the same reason.

He didn't do it by accident, but he did it half asleep not thinking straight. Once again, not taking away from the fact it was shitty, but he wasn't fully lucid squaring up to me or threatening me. Despite this, and harder to explain online, hes a good man. Who made a mistake and regrets it.

Maybe think before you post then? Just an idea.

bemba thumbwitchesabroad

Thank you. Of course I won't just let it go. I won't mention or bring it up for the sake of it but I will be aware.

Hes also apologised for reacting like that about ds safety. He said it was the final straw of me being controlling of his care and telling him what to do. I honestly know I do that and it's been an issue for a while. Hes more than capable of being a good dad without my help. He didn't know about the cosleeping overheating risk as we don't cosleep. I was shitty in the way I went about telling him the risks as I was also half asleep and irritable. Once again, doesn't condone his reaction.