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Original poster

Would you leave it or contact him?

80 replies

LonerDave · 25/01/2016 11:47

Just need to get this out as it’s doing my head in.
I’ve been eternally single (had a fling a while back and have DS 2.2) always been a lone parent and I am happy/ok with it, It’s the way it is.
Anyway, meet a guy, all seemed fine, we get on, he has taken me out, we’ve seen my friends etc .. He is divorced 2x older kids, all amicable.
He has stayed at mine. He has met DS and no joke it has all been lovely. I like him, and yes fancy him which is a big thing for me.
So, been seeing each other only a couple of months, 2-3 times a week.
Yesterday, he leaves in the morning and asks me if I want to come over to his in the afternoon, I say I have friends coming over so I will let him know and obvs my DS needs to be in bed by 7pm and I work full time so would have to be home by 7:30am this morning. Ok fine.
Friends didn’t leave until 5.30pm. I call him and say it’s getting late (he lives 45mins away) so we will not come over, sorry etc .. let’s see each other in the week.
Well, an hour later I get the shittiest of texts saying he doesn’t think I want to go over to his (haven’t been there yet due to things going on with my life/DS etc). I said that is ridiculous and not the case, it just wasn’t great timing, sorry. I said .. how about another time then, I am sorry (again!), he just said “MAYBE!!!!” But all quite narky … I left it at that, but I am upset and angry today. I doubt I will hear from him again, just angry at myself for thinking this “might” have actually gone somewhere.
WHAT the fuck have I done wrong here? …. Or is this just another one to just move on from. Feeling quite sad

OP posts:
wannaBe · 25/01/2016 13:20

It's hardly "a string of shitty texts." Hmm. The first few months are very much getting to know each other territory. Personally I think saying maybe you'd come over and then not getting in touch until 5:30 to say no after all is somewhat rude and shows that you're not actually that interested.

It sounds like you're not that into him. Based on the history and exchanges I would be telling him that he should be the one to think about moving on.

LoveAGoodRummage · 25/01/2016 13:21

You can't always see emotional abuse at the beginning stumblymonkey Sad

Original poster
LonerDave · 25/01/2016 13:24

Ok - taken on board I was selfish with my time, but he did have his kids over (16 & 19)

Well - I'll make a communication & then I will know I suppose.

Thanks all .... Often good to see things from outside you're own head!

OP posts:

Interested in this thread?

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Relationship problems
hownottofuckup · 25/01/2016 13:25

I think you should cut him some slack and try having a conversation before you decide to bin him off.

hownottofuckup · 25/01/2016 13:26

Oh sorry, x-post!

wannaBe · 25/01/2016 13:29

Bloody hell, wondered how long it would be before abuse was mentioned.

Saying it looks like you don't want to come over is hardly emotional abuse ffs or even a red flag.

The op has no real history of relationships. She had a fling which ended up in her being a single parent, but other than that nothing. Then when she meets someone she has him at her's three times a week within six weeks, has presumably already introduced him to her child and doesn't seem to want to go to his. Everything happens on her terms whenever she wants. She had an invite to go to his in the afternoon but she didn't let him know until evening that she wasn't coming over. Then she interprets his text of not wanting to come over as "a string of shitty texts."

Yeah, perhaps maybe was disappointment. Or perhaps it actually was "yep, six weeks in and you're hard work. Life's too short."

I agree that it's time for parties to move on, but my advice would be for him to be doing the running away. And for op to get some boundaries around introducing a man staying over with your child after less than six weeks.

stumblymonkey · 25/01/2016 13:37

Love...I agree that you can't always see EA but that's why you maintain a three strikes policy. That weeds any EA assholes out as obviously they would continue to do the same thing.

When I was single I actually wrote down a list of my boundaries: 'immediate deal breakers' on one side and 'three strikes' on the other side. Then I could refer back to them when in a relationship without worrying that I would let someone be an arse with me again.

LoveAGoodRummage · 25/01/2016 13:38

I know that this is a forum but wannabe, you've made a lot of assumptions there. We all have. Fine. But actually we don't know what the exact content or number of the texts was. We don't the tone compared to his usual tone. We also don't know if they knew each other before they became a bit more official.

Abuse came up because a pp mentioned what their deal breakers are. I simply responded that you can't always see emotional abuse coming. Never said the OP's boyfriend is abusive. Funnily enough, I can't tell. Nor can I tell if he is Prince Charming. But the OP isn't happy with the current situation and she was asking for advice about that, not how soon she ought to introduce a partner to her child HmmConfused

WhatsGoingOnEh · 25/01/2016 13:39

I don't think a bloke asking you to come to his THE NEXT DAY and then getting shitty when you can't, is reasonable. If he wants her to visit, can't he have some respect towards her time and ASK HER IN ADVANCE? You know, give her some notice, say he'll cook her dinner, ask on a Fri or Sat so there's no work the next day.

A last-minute invite is usually sex-driven. Which is also probably why he got shitty.

OP, you've done nothing wrong (except to keep your own life going, which it would seem is suddenly not allowed?!). Don't go crawling and apologise unless you want him to do this again.

LoveAGoodRummage · 25/01/2016 13:40

Yes stumbly, I agree and wish I'd applied such a common sense approach myself! Smile

WhatsGoingOnEh · 25/01/2016 13:43

Yesterday, he leaves in the morning and asks me if I want to come over to his in the afternoon, I say I have friends coming over so I will let him know

your only mistake was not saying no straight away. You already had a full day planned.

You are not expected to rearrange your plans to suit boyfriends of 6 weeks (or more!). Did you not say no immediately because you suspected he'd get moody? Is he often moody when you're busy?

Prayingforsnow · 25/01/2016 13:43

Well you've only known him six weeks and you're a single parent so I think it's a stupid argument. Who would be looking after your child if you spent the night at his anyway? Surely he has to fit in with you as you have responsibilities to a young child and if he can't deal with that then he is the wrong person for you.

WhatsGoingOnEh · 25/01/2016 13:47

Everything happens on her terms whenever she wants.

This is unfair. Its not like she cancelled a long-standing arrangement; he tossed her a casual, last-minute invite to pop over and shag him later that day if she could drop everything wasn't busy. She said she'd let him know, and rang him at 5.30pm. I can't see anything wrong there. She's a person, not a Domino's Pizza that must arrive within 30 minutes!

Why can't he ask her over to his house properly, with a bit of notice, if he's so keen for her to visit?

WhatsGoingOnEh · 25/01/2016 13:48

Who would be looking after your child if you spent the night at his anyway? She'd have taken her DC and the travel cot over to his place. It's not ideal, I'm glad she said no.

WhatsGoingOnEh · 25/01/2016 13:51

A nice man who genuinely wants her to visit would have said: "So, next Saturday - would you like to come and stay at my house? I thought I'd cook dinner. I've tidied up the spare bedroom so there's room for your DC and if you come over early, you can meet my DC too."

LeaLeander · 25/01/2016 13:57

Totally agree with WhatsGoingOn but also no way should the child be exposed to mother's lover only six weeks in.

Prayingforsnow · 25/01/2016 14:01

So you were going to take your child and travel cot to stay the night at the home of a man you have been seeing for six weeks? You must be mad. Dating as a single parent is hard I appreciate that but I think that's too much upheaval for your child and a lot of faff for you.

Original poster
LonerDave · 25/01/2016 14:50

Exactly! Which is why I didn't go

And yes, yes to all that have said my mistake was not to have said "no I'm busy" later

Fuck me - it's hard work

DS comes first, I'm not up heaving him for my gain, it's not fair on him

OP posts:
Jw35 · 25/01/2016 14:59

Actually I think he is being shitty. He's 48 years old and needs to grow up and stop acting like a sulky baby. He's seeing someone with a small child and he's not respecting that. You shouldn't be sleeping with him op it's too early.

wannaBe · 25/01/2016 16:22

I suspect that it's because the child has been introduced so early into the equation that he doesn't get that adjustments have to be made.

In many instances where one partner is a single parent, the new partner has to get used to juggling time together based on when the SP is child-free. In this instance it sounds as if the op has slotted the new BF into her's and her child's life, given she says he's been staying over three times a week and they're only six weeks in, so it's fairly evident the child has been introduced from the beginning. As such, he doesn't get that the child needs to be accommodated for if op were to go over there - it's always been that he could come over and stay - iyswim.

Original poster
LonerDave · 25/01/2016 17:36

WannaBe .... You're spot on. To be fair he hasn't stayed 3 times a week but yes, introduced from the start.

This whole thread has been a huge learning curve for me.

I can see both sides, and taken a long good look at myself!!

OP posts:
WhatsGoingOnEh · 25/01/2016 18:06

So have you heard from him today or is he sulking?

And it's not always this hard work! Promise! :)

VimFuego101 · 25/01/2016 18:24

To be honest, if i was seeing someone who had a young child, I wouldn't expect them to come to mine if it meant carting baby equipment over and putting them to sleep in a different room than they were used to.

Original poster
LonerDave · 25/01/2016 19:37

Yes I have heard from the sulky toddler! & guess who I am talking about!?! He apologised ....

Equally, I'm not going running.

But can SOMEONE answer this? How does one appear keen without coming across as a needy bunny boiler ..... Hmm

OP posts:
WhatsGoingOnEh · 25/01/2016 19:40

You're just friendly, complimentary, reliable and cheerful. That's as keen as you need to appear, especially at this very early stage. It's not your wedding night. ;)