shouting at a neighbours child

[Chippychop]

A friend/neighbours dc 9 whom you and your family have known )and socialised with for several years) is playing football in the next garden, Ball keeps hitting fences you shout over the fence to stop. Next thing a rock/stone comes over. you haven't actually seen him do it but you yell at him to get his father and then shout at him over fence to "hurry up and be quick about it". DM comes out apologises and says she was inside so didn't see anything but thinks its strange as that not like her DS but will find out what he says, you are angry and rude towards her. Dad comes over to sort it out as mum is attending to crying child, you are still furious and give the dad short shrift. apologetic texts go back and forth parents don't believe DC would do this, you are convinced it was malicious. Parents are shocked you have been so rude to them. No-one was hurt or injured. who's right /wrong? can you yell at a 9 year old so they cry? if a child does something wrong should you take it out on the parents?

It wouldn't occur to me to doubt my neighbours in this scenario!

You may believe your child is an angel but that is obviously not true. Maybe try teaching them respect.

But Chippy, do you honestly think your neighbours are lying? Why would they make something like that up? If they have form for that, then I
Agree you wouldn't take their word, but it doesn't sound like they do from your post.

They probably over reacted but you undoubtedly didn't help by seeming to suggest that to it might not be true and you would talk to your ds about it! I think you would probably have done better to send your ds in , simply apologise and tell them you would deal with your ds.

Your not liking confrontation seems to include being unwilling to accept that your child behaved extremely badly. You clearly weren't around to stop him so your neighbours did.
I would be utterly mortified and would certainly not be comforting my child had he got caught out chucking a stone at the neighbours.

It sounds to me you didn't deal with it very well, you should have stopped your son from kicking the ball against the fence, instead of allowing it to carry on, that in itself is disrespectful. Maybe your neighbours were rude, but I expect this was a reaction to a situation, they felt angry/frustrated with. I'm sure with time, you and your neighbours will move on from this situation.

I would apologise profusely and take round wine and chocolates. You should have stopped the ball kicking early on and I am lost for words at your reaction to the rock throwing. You probably can't save the friendship but an apology from you might enable you to maintain a courteous relationship with your poor neighbours.

I think your child deserved to be shouted at. He was bloody annoying and rude, refusing to stop. Throwing a stone is outrageous!! Dangerous!! I hope you sent him to his room to write an apology but I suspect the crocodile tears meant he got away with it.

Then you claim you'll need to check the story is true as it's out of character. DS says it was an accident. But how on earth can throwing a stone over a fence ever be an accident!??

Everything should have calmed down when they came round. However your DS failed to deliver an apology and you failed to make an appearance.

If someone asked my kids to stop bouncing a ball on their fence, they would do as told

'Go and boil your head' - nice. Real mature.

This is practically unanimous, your DS was completely in the wrong and you called your neighbour a liar, no wonder they were rude. I would have absolutely shouted at the child in this situation, could not care less if it made them cry, they threw a rock at where they knew a person was standing! That's majorly serious.

I think your neighbours were just really upset. As long as you apologise for not quite believing them and DS apologises for being extremely rude and badly behaved, I'm sure it will be fine.

Is your child often badly behaved to the neighbours? Was his insolence and shocking poor behaviour a one off?

Oh dear OP, why on earth would you not believe someone who has been your friend for many years and to whom you entrusted your baby? Nobody was hurt but someone could have been hurt. As a child I wasn't in the habit of breaking windows, but I did break one.

You know your son needs to be guided through this world, not just protected from being told off by the neighbour

Other adults I know can absolutely shout at / lecture / discipline my child when they do something wrong (although I would draw the line at physical punishment of course, and adults I don't know would be a bit iffy).

They are adults. I trust them. Most of the other adults I know - friends, family members, even colleagues with kids - have pretty similar standards and boundaries to me when it comes to acceptable behaviour so I would trust them to keep the DC in line if they needed it and I wasn't around.

So, your son probably realises that you both dislike confrontation, and have difficulty setting boundaries for him.
He's going to have a whale of a time when he's a teenager, enjoy!

From what you've written it sounds like your child did throw the stone but you refused to accept or deal with it. I am wondering- with the extreme reaction of the neighbours, is there a history of naughty behaviour?

If a child the a rock over my fence after I'd asked them to stop kicking a ball at it, depending on my mood/previous similar behaviour, I think I'd react by shouting. And I'd be unbelievably annoyed if the
parents said I was lying.

It doesn't matter that no one was hurt or injured, that's not the point.

Obviously your child hasn't been taught any 'respect'. Can you not see that?

Throwing rocks over a fence is NOT normal behaviour and it is NOT a normal parental reaction to get upset about a child being pulled up on such behaviour, by the person who could have been seriously injured.

Are you going to tell me I should go and 'boil my head'?

Oh yes and like armchairtraveller said, have a ball when he is a teenager!!

Your child was in the wrong - and then you enabled their behaviour further by refusing to accept they had done something. You need to start parenting more effectively, otherwise your child will have a lifetime of people shouting at them, and it will serve them right.