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Original poster

shouting at a neighbours child

69 replies

Chippychop · 21/10/2015 19:38

A friend/neighbours dc 9 whom you and your family have known )and socialised with for several years) is playing football in the next garden, Ball keeps hitting fences you shout over the fence to stop. Next thing a rock/stone comes over. you haven't actually seen him do it but you yell at him to get his father and then shout at him over fence to "hurry up and be quick about it". DM comes out apologises and says she was inside so didn't see anything but thinks its strange as that not like her DS but will find out what he says, you are angry and rude towards her. Dad comes over to sort it out as mum is attending to crying child, you are still furious and give the dad short shrift. apologetic texts go back and forth parents don't believe DC would do this, you are convinced it was malicious. Parents are shocked you have been so rude to them. No-one was hurt or injured. who's right /wrong? can you yell at a 9 year old so they cry? if a child does something wrong should you take it out on the parents?

OP posts:

LIZS · 22/10/2015 08:12

Why would you allow your Ds to annoy the neighbours? he's old enough to know better. If you can't trust him to play out alone and without causing issues you'll have to supervise him. Presumably he has admitted kicking the ball against the fence but not the stone.

BYOSnowman · 22/10/2015 08:40

It was a pretty obvious reverse though as it wasn't exactly balanced!

ArmchairTraveller · 22/10/2015 09:24

' parents don't believe DC would do this'

That's the core of the problem, and the root of your neighbour's anger. Frustration and powerlessness. When I was 9, the neighbour would either have walloped me if I'd been in reach, or expected my parents to do so.
I've never hit a child, but in so many situations, there is no way forward with rude, oafish and aggressive behaviour from children. Adults can do nothing but vent at another adult.

hebihebi · 22/10/2015 09:33

The thing is, if you had been the angry neighbour then everyone would have given you a hard time for losing your temper.

I think it's one of those cases where every was being unreasonable.

I'd probably wait until my son was in bed and have a heart to heart with him about what happened and if he did confess then go together and apologise to the neighbour the next day.

I'd be forever wary of the husband though.

blobbityblob · 22/10/2015 09:46

No one was hurt or injured but if you'd paid £500 or something for a fence which someone keeps kicking a ball at, it'd wind you up. The noise of it is annoying too. I suspect ndn was getting more and more irritated that you didn't stop him. He's probably embarrassed about it now. But he needs to play ball somewhere else I'd say.

ArmchairTraveller · 22/10/2015 09:50

I wonder how many times through the summer this has happened. Endless football in the garden, walloping against the fence...
The stone-throwing would have been the tipping point for me.

lljkk · 22/10/2015 09:55

It's horrible to fall out with neighbours.
Apologise for the obvious wrong (however minor), then distance distance distance. Maintain false civility in mean time and do polite chitchat when required. (shudder)

RiverTam · 22/10/2015 09:55

Sounds to me like your child doesn't get told off much hence all the crying when finally an adult gave him what-for. Someone in your garden threw a fucking rock over the fence at a neighbour, an adult they have known since childhood. I'd be tearing a ducking strip off DD if she ever did such a thing.

bigmouthstrikesagain · 22/10/2015 10:07

Speaking as neighbour to a family with 2 football mad sons who 'constantly' kick balls against the dividing fence and constantly kick their balls into our garden - I mean yesterday I returned three balls and one came sailing back over our fence while I was still retrieving their balls! I am at the end of my tolerance. Poor ds sighs heavily every time he has to return a ball. It is bloody ridiculous and I find myself dreading summer for the constant thud and 'calls of can we have our ball back?' also the little shits neighbours dc have form for climbing over the fence and getting the balls back themselves, also daubing graffiti on our side of the fence and taking the keys from our back door(this was several years ago and was blamed on the influence of another child playing with the neighbours kids at the time ). These are Children who are not given boundaries, so it is the parents I blame. It is only from a desire for neighbourly relations to remain cordial that I have not burst all the fucking balls in a fit of pique!

So I can fully relate to a show of anger if a child deliberately throws a rock into my garden - what if it hit one of my children or my cats - I would be frightened and very angry if that happened.

AnnaMarlowe · 22/10/2015 10:08

llijkk throwing a stone over a fence isn't minor though.

It could have seriously hurt someone.

MTGlass · 22/10/2015 10:11

I have a feeling op will not return the the thread after reading how many people think her precious snowflake was in the wrong.

lljkk · 22/10/2015 10:15

It didn't seriously hurt anyone though, it didn't hit anything Kids do stupid things. Agree that OP should apologise, but don't expect any good to come from the apology no matter whether you do it in person, in writing or in the newspaper (or all of the above). Some people won't be happy no matter how lengthy and repeated the apology. And the neighbours will not believe you when you truthfully inform them that their kids have been lobbing plums & pears in your garden for years before that.

Sadly speaking with experience.

Florriesma · 22/10/2015 10:16

A neighbour especially one witha good relationship with the family is entitled to tell next doors dc to stop bashing the football against the fence. The correct response of the parent is tell dc to pack it in and back the neighbour up. If they must play football in the garden get a goal post for them to aim at.
I have 3 ball kicking ds

If said kid then throws stone over fence at neighbour then neighbour is entitled to a profuse apology from dc parents. And later from dc. When he's stopped snivelling after being severely bollocked by parents.
Does that make it clear op? Glad I don't live next to you.
Stones don't miraculously start raining from the sky.

AnnaMarlowe · 22/10/2015 10:25

llijkk ok well personally if either of my DC threw a stone at someone I'd be seriously angry with them. It didn't hurt anyone this time but without am some discipline what's to stop him throwing one another time, and potentially badly hurting someone?

SortedForCheeseAndFizz · 22/10/2015 10:31

What Florriesma said.

ArmchairTraveller · 22/10/2015 10:32

'It didn't seriously hurt anyone though, it didn't hit anything Kids do stupid things. '

Could my son use this as an excuse if he chooses to drink and drive?
Throwing stones is not acceptable, in some countries it gets you shot.

bigmouthstrikesagain · 22/10/2015 10:33

Florrie - our neighbours kids have a goal to aim at unfortunately it is positioned against the fence so the balls hit the back of the net (fence) or go sailing over the posts (into our garden).

As far as the stone not hurting anyone - that is not the point - the point is that someone could have been hurt - and that is worthy of a bollocking. You don't wait until someone is hurt to stop risky behaviour!

bigmouthstrikesagain · 22/10/2015 10:37

Apologies are done when they are required because it is the right thing to do not because they will magically resolve everything. If I am in the wrong I should apologise - I cannot control the reaction to the apology but I would have thought modelling the correct behaviour is the important thing not shrugging and saying there is no point unless you gain something from doing it.

Florriesma · 22/10/2015 10:39

I take your point big mouth . My oldest get thrown out to the park to kick a ball. We also have hedges around the fence. Hides the fact that they are bit decrepit! My parents were plagued with neighbours dc who.liked to kick balls into fences. I have zero tolerance for it as neighbours are elderly and why should they have to put up with a ball bashing the fence.

Katie2001 · 22/10/2015 10:48

Armchair - your previous post was exactly what I was going to say. This might just have been a case of them putting up with the ball against the fence etc for a while, then it took this one incident to tip it over. I'd go round and make it up with them, not getting on with neighbours is awful.

ArmchairTraveller · 22/10/2015 10:49

Our neighbours have a large, noisy, happy batch of children. They play football in the park and badminton in the garden. For which their other neighbour, who has an exquisite garden and two greenhouses, is very grateful. It's about being considerate to your neighbours. We don't mind the happy noise, they don't smash stuff and try not to piss us off.

LisbethSalandersLaptop · 22/10/2015 10:52

so your kid continued to kick a ball against a fence, and threw a stone over the fence? And you are upset because the neighbour shouted at him? Anybody would have shouted at him!
Honestly this is just typical of these days of outrageous behaviour and "you cant tell me off you're not my mum". Did you tell him that OP?
What if the stone had hit someone on the temple and killed them? Dramatic perhaps but think on.

RaptorInaPorkPieHat · 22/10/2015 11:02

Do you think the rock levitated over the fence?

How is throwing a rock over a fence 'not malicious'?

At the very least your child needs a good lesson in what can happen if you throw a rock over a fence. It could have broken a window, hit someone, hit a pet.

I have been in the position where I've shouted at kids throwing rocks over our fence (more than once) it has broken a window, it has cost me money and I've turned the air blue.

You and your child are in the wrong.

Tillytoes14 · 24/10/2015 22:35

If I was in your position, I wouldn't have allowed my son to kick the ball against their fence in the first place, my son kicks balls in the garden, but we have rules, if he didn't follow the rules, he would lose his ball for a few days. I think kicking balls against people fences is disrespectful, over time it would cause some damage. Throwing a rock over someone's garden is not something a 9 year old should be doing.

Original poster

Chippychop · 25/10/2015 20:29

I'm not denying a stone went over. My child is my child to discipline appropriately. My issue is how so called friends were extremely rude to us. Can I just say a lot of these comments on here are just not constructive but really just plain nasty. Thanks for those who have posted negative/positive constructive comments. We are just normal parents who don't like confrontation.

OP posts:

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