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Original poster

How to respond to 'why aren't you two married yet?'

68 replies

MrsPilkington · 30/07/2015 11:57

We get it an awful lot. Usually off his side of the family who swing between berating us for not being married and telling me I'm not good enough for him. So, purely because 'we aren't in a rush' is getting boring, and 'because I asked him and he said no' is slightly embarrassing, what would your hilarious replies be to stop this constant question but also to liven up the endless family occasions in which I find myself being asked.

OP posts:

CactusAnnie · 30/07/2015 14:05

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

GasLIghtShining · 30/07/2015 14:06

Cactus To be fair I wasn't fussed one or another. He was the driving force and as he is approaching retirement age it became more of a thing for him.

Name wise - I just gave them his name. Don't know how he would have reacted if I had decided on mine.

specialsubject We got married a couple of years ago with our 2 DC as the witnesses. Sorted without any fuss.

80sMum · 30/07/2015 14:14

I find myself asking the question, why? Why does this man not want to marry you, the mother of his children, when he knows that it's what you want? That would ring alarm bells with me.
What is he actually saying to you? Could it be that it's "I already have everything I want, so why comit myself by getting married?"
The only thing that would change in his life if you married is that he would be legally committed to you. He's clearly not prepared to take that step. So, imo he is not as devoted to you as he claims to be.

Original poster

MrsPilkington · 30/07/2015 14:18

Sheesh. I started this to keep me amused while I played toot toot drivers with the kids now I feel like I'm having to validate my ball size

I thought it was sensible to get married when we found out we were expecting our first surprise bundle. He did not, he said he though we had enough pressure on us after falling pregnant three months in to a non serious relationship, we didn't even live together, and we should take things one step at a time.

His mother asked, when I was pregnant with said first surprise baby, who's name will the baby take if you aren't getting married, I replied with his. That was that. There was no discussion, it was my opinion that that's how it should work. Plus my surnames a ballsack to spell and pronounce

Now with biggest small at school, I have started to dislike having a different surname to my son when I call the school etc etc so I made a JOKE about the next one having my surname so we had a mixture of us. It's nothing to do with allowing it LOL! He doesn't like the idea for the kids sake at school, he never said I couldn't, he wouldn't ever say that. This baby was planned with great thought, conceived in love and is highly looked forward to, I'm not going to trundle it down to the registry office and register its birth with him, he'd be heartbroken, and rightly so!

We are now years down the line from the first conversation and we are in the best place we've ever been. I can assure you I most certainly have had my way. I told him he couldn't move in with me until he had cleared the small debts he left the army with, I said under no circumstances was he going on any legal deeds of my house (the one I had when we first got pregnant) until I was ready for him to (never went on them in the end we ended up moving just this year) when we moved we both went on the mortgage, I insisted on having the slightly smaller and cheaper property so if God forbid any thing happen in regards to a split or death then it was manageable to keep up on one wage. The appropriate paperwork is in place to make sure I don't lose the house to him and that I get my fair share if we split and sell as I put down more money than him as I sold my previous house. His will and life insurance both state everything goes to me and the mortgage will be paid if he cops it. Mine States that everything goes to him.

Please do not worry about me

OP posts:

motherinferior · 30/07/2015 15:18

Why does this man not want to marry you, the mother of his children, when he knows that it's what you want?

Reverse the genders and that's us. Maybe that does put him in a vulnerable position but he seems to cope OK. It's now nearly 10 years since he first proposed...

GasLIghtShining · 30/07/2015 16:55

You sound like you have everything sorted but again it's the pension part.

Original poster

MrsPilkington · 30/07/2015 19:31

Pension, I have to admit, is not something I have even thought of to be honest. I know very little of pensions.

OP posts:

ScorpioMermaid · 30/07/2015 20:00

OP are you dating my brother? (he and his long term girlfriend get this too!)

Original poster

MrsPilkington · 30/07/2015 20:12

haha I doubt it. Unless you are 6'7 man called Michael

OP posts:

derektheladyhamster · 30/07/2015 20:21

You could always just change your surname by deed poll if you want the same name as the kids.

YeOldeTrout · 30/07/2015 20:35

Gosh, why you guys taking this so seriously. Thought OP wanted some funny replies. Besides, Marriage sucks. Way over-rated.

I'm not very witty but I'll make a few lame offerings:

"I haven't made up my mind which engagement ring I'd like."
"I'm still studying the menu"
"We don't like to fix what ain't broke"
"The children would be scandalised"
"We're waiting until the kids grow up so they can organise it. I can't face the hassle."
"I'm still working on my bended knee technique"

Some of these are good, too.

Cynara · 30/07/2015 20:59

We get this. It's got worse since we had our baby. We won't be getting married because I don't approve of it. DP is easygoing; if I wanted to he would, but I don't and that's fine too.

We have made wills, the mortgage is in joint names, the life insurance is in place, and very fortunately we both have pensions that will pay out to a 'named partner' who does not necessarily have to be a spouse. It's taken quite a bit of research, planning and organisation to get all the safeguards in place. I sometimes think we've thought a lot harder about the legalities of our commitment to each other than some people whose focus is on a big wedding. Frustratingly it doesn't stop people asking us when we'll change our minds.

I love some of the answers above and will be using them from now on, thankyou for the inspiration!

GasLIghtShining · 30/07/2015 23:18

OP - if your OH is a similar age to you then at the moment there won't be much of a pension to worry about but as you get older and there are lots of years worth of contributions it changes. If the terms of the pension say, as in Cynara's case, 'named partner' then no worries. Seriously if we had that option we never would have married but my DH has paid into a pension for almost 40 years. It's a a fair bit to lose.

Original poster

MrsPilkington · 31/07/2015 08:46

I see. Thank you for the advice. He doesn't have a pension at all at the moment, the company he works for doesn't have scheme just yet but he said it'll be in the pipeline in about 18months ish.

OP posts:

NameChange30 · 01/08/2015 09:57

One financial advantage of marriage that you can't replicate is the inheritance tax break for married couples. If the estate is over the tax threshold (currently £250k I think) a partner would pay 40% inheritance tax whereas a spouse would pay none. Worth considering especially if you own a house that is or could be worth that much.

Cynara · 01/08/2015 10:31

Regarding the inheritance tax: I spoke about this with our financial advisor lady week, and according to him the last Budget increased the threshold to £1 million, so chances are you'll be ok, we certainly will!

If it is an issue, you can ensure that large sums such as life insurance are specifically kept out of your estate to avoid reaching the threshold for tax. If property is held in joint names its value won't be counted towards the estate of either tenant when they die.

Cynara · 01/08/2015 10:32

Not lady week. Last week.

Reubs15 · 10/08/2015 07:10

Say "he mr right now, not mr right!"

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